Making Homemade Suet Recipe is For the Birds

I can buy bird suet at the store on sale for about $1.50 a block. After looking up recipes, I thought why not make it myself?

I tried out those recipes and they did not seem to work well. Combining leftover coconut oil was a bad idea – it melted as soon as the sun hit it, melted all down the side of the tree, leaving a treat on the ground for the dog. Some recipes suggested using Crisco, which I did, but learned to combine it with peanut butter so it stuck together better. Other recipes suggested going to the butcher and asking for gross things.

Without measuring a thing, I scooped a few spoonfuls of Crisco together with a few spoonfuls of peanut butter, lightly melted it on the stove, and threw in a bunch of bird seed. Using recycled aluminum Chinese takeout pans, I poured the batter in each and stuck in the freezer. Within a few hours, they were ready to place in the suet cages. The birds love them, especially the downy woodpecker that likes to fly by each day.

**Note: In humid weather conditions, it’s important to watch these carefully, as mold can occur.

Overheard Conversations Make Me Laugh Out Loud (or Cringe!)

I often sit in public places and take notes for writing. Here are some of my most recent:

Little girl: Look! Three boys and three girls! It’s equal!
Father: No, it’s not equal. The boys are bigger.

Teenage Girl: Stupid cops! They gave me another ticket! Said my tag was expired.
Teenage Boy: When did it expire?
Teenage Girl: Like two months ago. But they already knew that when I got pulled over last month for speeding. They should have given me a chance!

Middle-aged Woman on cell phone: Don’t you love being retired? I’ll have to teach you the retirement dance!

Father: You’re paying? You brought your wallet? Does it have money in it?
Teen Son: I have money and a library card.
Father: When you open it, do moths come flying out?

Little Boy at beach (points to woman wearing black bra-style bikini) says to his mother: Is that a bra?

Ancient Aliens – History Channel Series Worth a Watch

Some friends suggested watching this series on Netflix. It was downloadable for free, which is always a good thing! I am open to the fact that alien life is possible and probable, and I’ve always had an interest in archeology.

The series delves into actual written history, religion, and the mysteries of the earth. Some of the footage is amazing – the man made caves, underwater cities, and unearthed cities such as Karahan Tepe. What amazes me about this is that our history books and classes do not teach us about most of these findings.

The series gives quite a different perspective about angels, gods, and all of those things from the sky that come from light, suggesting that what people were seeing were UFO’s and beings from other planets. It also suggests that ancient humans were helped by alien technology – hence the pyramids, Stonehenge, megalithic stone circles, and other monuments that even modern technology would have difficulty building. The show theorizes that ancient flying machines were far more advanced than our current jets and planes.

History Channel’s Ancient Aliens

Karahan Tepe photos

Japan’s underwater pyramid

Ancient archeology

More Bad Song Lyrics, Part 2

I knew that whatever I was belting out was wrong, but without knowing the singer or song, what was I to do?

I was singing:
“He hops in his coat
He’s yessin his note
Into his mouth
And down to his toes.
You spike your makeup,
Get into your truck…”

(Something along those lines.)

The song is catchy. I started asking around. Someone suggested Eminem. Nope, it’s a female. And it’s really, really popular, and I cannot keep up with all of the new hits. No one knew what I was talking about.

Except one friend – one that is a musician – and she sent me the real lyrics.

The song is actually Katy Perry’s “Hot and Cold”. I got a pretty good laugh out of myself.

The next song is one that everyone is guilty of butchering. I think I am probably the exception when it comes to cutting this one to pieces…

I was singing:
I been lured into your
Mangled carpet Trap…
Hey, Wayne!
I gotta nuke airplane
Forever a dad to
The Price is Right…
Me eating your kids
Forget no one just yet
Cook myself some angel hair
And navy bread
Broken hammer of your handness
I’m left black

You probably guessed it – Nirvana’s “Heart Shaped Box”.

I’m sorry to those whose songs I’ve ruined, and I know that “Hot and Cold” will never be the same to its fans after reading this.

‘His Face Poured Gasoline’ and other Bad Song Lyrics

For those of us that grew up before the advent of the ever-omniscient internet, we relied on the insides of album or cassette covers (and later cd’s) to read the song lyrics from our favorite bands. Many times those covers did not provide the lyrics, so we depended on our own ears and those of our friends if we couldn’t understand what the musicians were singing. This is where the fun begins – entrusting on what we thought we heard rather than what was really being said.

One of the songs that comes to mind most frequently is Skid Row’s “Eighteen and Life”, because that is the worst set of lyrics I ever made up. There I was, all cool in my black spandex pants and big hair, singing at the top of my lungs, “Daquina in his heartbeat, his face poured gasoline!”

Don’t ask me what daquina was, because I didn’t know that, either. When my friends corrected me, it was funny enough that we all started jokingly singing, “His face poured gasoline.”

Some other hysterically funny/bad song lyrics I came up with over time were these:

From the Police’s “Spirits in a Material World”:
I sang: “We eat asparagus in our material. Yeah, asparagus in our material…”

From Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”:
I sang: “I had to come, come for it all.”

From Kansas “Carry on Wayward Son”:
I sang: “Carrie on my way, your son.”

From Blondie’s “Call Me”:
I sang: “Calla me, your caller, baby. Caller me your call… roller me in caller sheets, I’ll never get it up… Motions call, I don’t know why. Caller up is all a lie…”

From The Eagle’s “Hotel California”:
I sang: “Stab it with their steely eyes, but they just can’t kill the peace.”

From the Bee Gee’s “Stayin Alive”:
I sang: “You can tell by the way I youth, I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk. You make love the way I want, all around since I was born; but that’s alright, it’s okay, you can see another day. …. We can try to understand the way you put your hand on me, whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a lover…”

From Van Halen’s “Panama”:
I sang: “Ain’t nothing like a shiny machine, with a wheel for a tray, movin’ heart tween. Hot shoe burning down the avenue, gotta countdown with the crew.”

And I know I’m not the only one that had these lyrics all jived up…

From Manfred Mann’s Earth Band’s “Blinded By the Light”:
I sang: “Blinded by the light. Wrecked up like a douche, with your mother in the night.”

I’m sure there are more I can come up with that I’ve forgotten. Now that you’re done laughing, maybe you can share some of your own.