I have decided that relationships are not for me. I can either have a career or a relationship, but not both. When I put my all into something, it’s 100%. I cannot juggle both things and make everyone happy. Not even myself, because at some point my passion is being extinguished by the demands of domestication.
The last time I gave up my income/job/career over a relationship (marriage), I ended up screwing myself. Big time. I can never allow myself to do that again. And now I am starting over – again. Quite frankly, I have grown tired of starting over. The instability is tiring.
Yesterday was the first day I sat down and wrote – something I hadn’t done in quite some time. Pages and pages of handwritten shit flying out of my mind onto yellow lined paper. Poetry, prose, thoughts. I guess you could say my brain took a dump – lots of shit was piled up inside my head… shit that I didn’t even know was there. I had pent up my feelings to no avail for going on close to two years.
How did I manage to last this long? Alcohol. Lots and lots of it. And no, I’m not proud. I have secrets. Lots and lots of them. Only a few select friends that understand me know about them.
My writing is taking a new turn – more for adults at this point. I have lots and lots of things to share that I wouldn’t normally dare to share with anyone… all about relationships and sex. Sordid details. Stay tuned.