Three Strikes, He’s Out

About a year and a half ago, I’d met a 49-year-old guy on Tinder that seemed nice. He wasn’t the type that I would normally go for, but everyone kept telling me to try something different. So I did, but the result wasn’t any better.

Since I’m a really outdoorsy person, we agreed to go fishing on the first date – and Three Strikes was supposed to teach me how to fish. I had bought a new purple fishing pole (my favorite color) and hadn’t been able to use it. We met at a loading dock and went off on his boat. He was very personable and I felt safe, but I wasn’t sure if the attraction was there. He talked a lot about his mother, which should have been a red flag. Either way, I’m up for having fun and making friends if nothing more is there. We weren’t out for very long before the clouds moved in and moved us out of the water very quickly. By the time we got to the dock, it started pouring, so we sat in his truck to wait it out so we could retrieve the boat and our belongings inside.

What I didn’t know was that Three Strikes had left my brand new fishing pole on the dock instead of leaving it in the boat, and someone stole it. He was very apologetic, and I said no big deal, it can be replaced. He claimed he’d replace it, and I didn’t have a doubt that he would. We hugged goodbye and kept in touch.

On the second date with Three Strikes, he was on his way out of town, and we met at a cafe for lunch. Something I ordered gave me a sudden allergic reaction. I still don’t know what caused it, but it was a scary feeling that I had to let subside. Three Strikes seemed understanding, but then he said something really freaking stupid. He asked me if I was sure it wasn’t menopause, because of my age. WTF.

At the time I think I was only 43 or 44, but I looked at him like he had three heads and told him that I wasn’t quite up there yet. I thought it was rude for him to even suggest that, especially since he really knew nothing about me, but I still wasn’t feeling well enough to process it. I told him I know my body, and I know the difference between an allergy attack and something hormonal. I forgave him, since I figured most men say stupid things to women anyway.

The third strike came shortly after the menopause comment. Three Strikes, always coming from out of town or leaving and seemingly elusive, decided to stop by my place to say hi. It was probably 80 degrees outside, and I may not have had my a/c running, but I had fans and was comfortable indoors. However, I was dressed appropriately in shorts and a tshirt for the weather; he was in jeans and a long sleeved shirt. We were chatting (probably about his mother lol) and drinking a beer. He started sweating profusely and suddenly had to leave to let out his dog. As he was walking out the door, he said, “Your house is really hot.” I was a little taken aback by his comment, because it just came out of the blue. Again, I didn’t process his comment right away, but once he left I realized I should have suggested he was going through menopause.

After that, I decided that Three Strikes was enough. Not only did he never replace my fishing pole as promised (even after telling me he’d bought one), but his insulting comments were red flags. There was no physical attraction whatsoever at that point, and we hadn’t even kissed. Not a loss. He texted me a couple of months later, but I’d already deleted his number and had to ask who he was. When he sent a selfie on his boat, I never responded and never heard back from him again.

How Long Does it Take to Heal from a Breakup?

I read that for every year of a relationship, it takes that many months to get over. Other articles I’ve read have said that it can take six weeks, and still others have said 18 months. Well, none of them have been correct so far. It hasn’t quite been a year yet for me, and sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my frigging mind. I bounce back and forth between “I’m over this for good, now I can move on”… to “I still don’t understand and I want answers so I can move on.” I don’t know how else to force myself to forget about a certain person or make those thoughts go away. Here I was thinking I’m finally done and can be myself again … YAY!!! … and quickly reminded that I’ve brought up the subject too many times to be truly healed and over something. Yes, it sucks to hear the awful truth, but it is what it is.

Some breakups are easy to heal from, especially when you’re just sick of that person’s shit or never felt that close to them to begin with. Others, not so much – like when you know you were in love and you have no closure and/or it ended abruptly. The other day when I wrote this blog about OC, I was in a good mood and felt like I had clarity and was truly over everything. But then I saw him in town again yesterday and felt angry and hurt all over again. WTF is wrong with me? I keep thinking to myself.

Then today I was reading something written by Shannon Kaiser‘s “Find Your Happy Daily Mantra Deck”. It was card number 17, and it read:

“I am compassionate with myself. It takes time to heal.”

She explains that it’s basically a grieving process and even though others may tell you that you need to get over something, to follow your true self and trust what you know is best for you.

I mean, I’m the only person on earth that truly knows how I feel inside and how I felt about that person, and those feelings went deeper than I knew could happen. The only thing I can do, I suppose, is to just force myself to get out of the house and do all of the things I used to do prior to and during the time we were together. Be more active, workout more, eat better, write more, etc… I guess now it’s just finding that motivation to do so.

Another Dating Chapter Done

If you have read my first book, “Unheard,” you’ll understand the type of mindfucking I had to deal with as a child. As an adult, I guess I have been attracted to what I know, even though it’s not what I want and I don’t necessarily recognize it. But now I think I do.

It has taken me several months to get over OC, and I know I am for sure done with my feelings for him, except maybe feelings of disgust. I suppose I was more obsessed with the idea of finding out why things ended the way they did (a text without any explanation) that I was blinded to the fact that he’s a narcissistic mindfuck. What happened recently resulted in me finally seeing that lightbulb finally shine.

I’ve been on Bumble, mostly bored, because I really never meet anyone in person from there. The other day, OC’s face showed up. I saw that he had updated his profile to his current age but still fails to be truthful about his marital status (claims to be single but has never filed for divorce). Just for the hell of it, I swiped right on his, not imaging he’d do the same. Three days later, we matched up. I was shocked. I don’t know if it was a mistake or what, but he had an opportunity to unmatch it, which he did not. I had no intention of ever dating him again, because I no longer trust him; I just wanted answers. He’s had ample opportunity to apologize for being a complete douche to me and give me the truth I deserve. I thought maybe this time I’d have it. I got the answer, alright.

Since women have to be the first to initiate conversation on the Bumble app, I took the opportunity to only say, “Well this is a surprise.” He had 24 hours to reply or the app automatically unmatches. I know for certain he saw my message, but he didn’t respond. It really aggravated me that after all of the shit he put me through, he would take the time to match with me and never even say boo. I asked if he was just playing games again… no reply, which was my answer. The fucker is playing games with me, I thought. How rude and immature and unnecessary! What kind of a person does that?? A narcisicistic asshole!

Once I realized he was playing some mindfuck game with me, I decided enough is enough with me allowing this person to screw with my head and emotions. About three hours prior to the app automatically unmatching us, I deleted him.

It’s exactly what I needed to do in order to make myself feel better and move onto the next chapter of my life. I instantly felt liberated that I had finally taken control of the situation, and I felt a huge sense of relief that I had been yearning for for several months. It was like a weight lifted off of me, and I can feel that lost part of myself coming back. And he can shove his man-child games right up his ass, because I deserve a hell of a lot better than that.