This morning I awoke to a dream that felt completely real. What sucks about it is that it’s been nearly a year that I broke up with Orange Crush, and I still see him around. I still think about him, even though I try not to, but thanks to those goddamn Facebook memories, it reminds me of all of the time we spent together last year. So dreaming this brought back the feelings I had and have been trying to brush off and move on.
In the dream, OC and I were both at the same place where something was going on, but I can’t remember what exactly. He was with his regular crew of guys. I’m not sure if I was alone or with friends. We made eye contact, and he came over and sat next to me. He held my hand and looked at me the way he used to, but never said a word. All of the feelings I had had for him came back. I felt as if we picked up where we left off. In some part of the dream, people were being called up by name to do something. I cannot remember what it was about, maybe an interview or something along those lines. My name was called and I had to go, but when I came back, OC was gone. I remember being very disappointed and looking for him. There was no sign of him, and then I woke up.
Being that today is a shitty weather day, it just compounded some of my open wounds, because now I’m stuck inside alone again. Doing my best to keep busy with art and writing projects and listening to funny things or happy music… but I’m still finding myself crying off and on throughout the day. I fucking hate this, and I’m beginning to feel pretty pathetic that I still haven’t gotten over this guy. I was so happy being with him, and it all just ended so abruptly. I just want those happy feelings again.
Someone wise once pointed out that if a love relationship ends in the honeymoon phase, it’s so much harder to let it go, because you never got to see the downside, or the flaws of that person. I know this has been the case for me – the hardest in this mid-life dating phase was a story I posted called The Ultimate Man Child. I still hurt from this relationship, though I know it would never have worked. Sometimes our brains and hearts have different ideas. I suggest doing some deep inner healing and meditation work on forgiving him and letting him go 🙂
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I just read that story. Funny thing is – the one in your story shares the same name as mine in real life. This one lasted nearly 3 intense months, spending 4-5 days/nights a week together. All I asked for was closure, and I never got it. I think having closure is so important for healing.