January 2019 Brain Dump

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and keeping to myself. I try to make myself get out once in a while so I don’t get cabin fever, but I haven’t really had the energy to bother. I’ve been eating like shit, then healthy… and either living healthy or not doing the healthiest things like I should be. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. It’s a rollercoaster, and I hate rollercoasters.

I’ve been up and down with how I’ve been feeling, and I hate it. However, I am perfectly aware that my cranky times are when I’m hungry, tired, in pain, and/or having PMS. I can only control the hunger part, and healthy eating is vital to my mental state. Everything else takes its own course, and it’s depressing. Sometimes I attribute some depression to iron and/or B12 deficiency, because I have had anemia in the past, so I try to take supplements. I eat pretty well, so I’m not sure why this is happening. I feel like my body is a changing mess, and I’m not liking it. And I’m sure whatever shit is being put into our food contributes to it all. And I definitely have more physical issues in the winter months.

I started gaining control of the insomnia for a few weeks – not sure what changed that, but perhaps it’s because I’ve been writing so much and getting all of this brain shit out of my system. Deleting the dating sites and not dating at all helped. But then the insomnia came back last week, and my sleep pattern is all screwy again. So now I’m tired and achy, which makes the depression come back. Oh yeah, and the obnoxious construction and lawn crews in the area with their obnoxious machines making obnoxious noises that wake the entire neighborhood seven days a week didn’t help.

I haven’t had sex in way too long, which also probably adds to the depression. But I refuse to have sex with anyone I’m not in a relationship with; it’s just not worth it emotionally, and I really don’t trust anyone enough to get involved. I’ve only cuddled with someone once in the past 3+ months, and while it was really nice, I don’t know who else that person is with, so I can’t let myself get too close. I’m afraid to get too close to anyone, even though I want to. I miss the euphoric feeling of liking someone a lot and being liked back as much, but I can’t do any of this short-term shit. I mean, I guess if you don’t spend time with someone, you don’t know, but the disappointments get old and tiring. I feel like every time I meet someone, I either like them or they like me but not mutually. Or it seems when I meet someone I like, they quickly move on to the next woman (or lie about seeing other women), so why bother trying to get to know anyone?

People say you won’t get disappointed if you don’t have expectations. But it’s imperative to have expectations, because we all have standards, right? Looking back, I see I had significantly lower standards than what I should have had, which is probably why I have a lot to write about. (I’d probably be more concentrated on writing fiction if I had a love life.)

The other day I felt the need to find a motivational speech or something “happy” to listen to found something on TED Radio. The speaker talked about how people who have healthy, functional relationships are in better health and much happier when they’re older. It was a 75-year study and quite interesting. I also notice that people who have closer friends (i.e. best friends) and close family relations tend to be happier. I mean, it makes sense, right? I often feel like such an outsider and infrequently experience the feelings of being close to anyone. I don’t fit into groups at all; in fact, I despise them and begin to feel claustrophobic and anxious… unless it’s a classroom situation, then I’m okay. While I love being with the people I love, I can only take so much of them, and then I want to be alone again. And when I’m in a relationship, I can’t be smothered; it needs to be an even balance of space, or I will flee. I often feel like something is wrong with me. Is this normal?

I have a lot of personal decisions to make, but not all of it depends on me alone. Opportunities and other factors have a lot of play in that. I want to travel. I don’t want to continue doing some of the work that I do that doesn’t exactly help me spiritually except to pay the bills. My main job is a clusterfuck of b.s. and drama, and the energy there isn’t fitting me. I don’t care if I have a job that takes me out of town – I just want to get out as much as possible and make money – but I have to enjoy what I do or forget it. Lived through this long enough. But it seems like all of the good opportunities were 20+ years ago. Oh, to be young again…

Younger Men Can’t Take No For an Answer

Last night I received a text from a number I didn’t recognize saying: Hey, we met a while ago… Do you know who this is?

Me: there’s no name in my phone so I guess not.

Them: Ok never mind

Me: So who is this

Them: a guy you met at a bar a while ago. But you weren’t interested then so you won’t be interested now.

Me: (laughing emoji) This has to be one of the funniest texts I’ve received all year.

Them: (smile)

Me: Okay so how can I help you and who are you

Them: Good. Okay fine no more games. My name is John. I’m 28 years old. I met you at (a place) about a year ago. I was interested in taking you out this week if you are free.

Me: The cop?

Him: Yep. Held on to your number.

Me: It’s been a year?

Him: I think? It’s been a while.

Me: Bored and going through your phone?

Him: Yes! I guess it’s a perspective thing.

Me: Interesting. So if you’re still 28 it hasn’t been a year.

Him: I guess you got me. It’s been a while though. Would you like to go out to dinner this week?

Me: I’m not exactly sure what you’re looking for.

Him: I’m looking to take you out to dinner and get to know you. Pretty simple. If you’re not interested I’ll back off.

Me: I mean what is your ultimate goal basically…

Him: I’ll just wait another year and ask again lol. I don’t know. It depends on how we click when we see each other. Ultimately I’m looking for someone to date.

Me: Well I’m flattered but I really need somebody around my age because I’ve already done the young thing and it just does not work for me.

Him: Well I understand. I’m disappointed because I’m a different person but I understand. I’m still in interested in meeting you. if you change your mind and want to take a chance let me know.

Me: I’m just busy working and doing some changes for myself.

Him: Okay I understand. You’re not interested. No big deal.

Me: And for future reference, I like to be contacted when somebody’s not bored looking at their phone.

Him: I was being sarcastic… trying to play along… guess it backfired. But I don’t think that was the deciding factor.

I reminded him that the age difference is a huge factor, because I don’t want to waste my time on something that won’t grow into anything more. And still, he kept texting after I had stopped. Too bad these guys aren’t this persistent when it comes to actually having a relationship work rather than just trying to date someone hoping to get some booty, because that’s exactly what it’s all about. I’ve been through all of this before, and I am over it.

Him: I understand and respect the explanation.

Him: I tried.

Him: It would have been fun. Life is too short.

Okay, so now he’s really overreaching, attempting to guilt me into something I don’t want to do. I don’t appreciate manipulation, and that seems to be my experience when meeting men of all ages. He’s right about one thing – life is too short, especially to go on dates with people that you have zero interest in.

Is He Gaslighting Me or What?

It seems like every time I call a man out on his bullshit, he stops talking to me. No big loss, however.

I met someone my age in my area that I became “friends” with, but it’s a little strange. I recognized him through social media when he came into my job a few times. Other than that, we both matched on Tinder (that I have since deleted). We haven’t actually hung out except once briefly when he did a favor for me. In the meantime, we chat strictly on a friendship level, but we have talked about dating and miscellaneous things involving dating. He seems like a really cool person to hang out with, and I have very few male friends that I actually do hang out with anymore. We’ve made “plans” a few times to have lunch or hang out, but it’s never happened. Either he stops communicating (no idea why), something comes up, he falls asleep, or he’s already in his PJs (early, like 7:30 p.m.), or whatever other excuse he’s used.

Once, he invited me over to help him do something, and I said I’d go, but was having dinner first with friends – and that turned into a late night. I felt a little bad for standing him up, but I did keep in touch and also invited him out. Another time he asked me over to cuddle. I thought that was odd, because I couldn’t exactly see myself cuddle with someone I’ve barely had a conversation with and not sure if I’m even attracted to. I mean, we’ve never even had a drink or a meal together, so I wasn’t sure if he was joking or trying to fuck me or what the hell was going on with that. I don’t even know him well enough to know if he’s joking or not. He’s never even complimented me or flirted with me in other ways. And that’s why this gets even more strange.

One night while I was having a girl’s night, he was texting me. I told him he’s welcome to come out and have a beer, but he didn’t want to. However, he told me he was feeling “frisky”. I wasn’t sure where he was going with that, so I said, “Like a cat?” He said no, so I knew what he was talking about. And he wanted me to come over. I was a little irritated at this turn in conversation after still never actually hanging out together.

I wasn’t going to buy into the sending flirty texts back and forth with someone that can’t take the time to have lunch with me. I told him that I didn’t think that was a good idea and that I’m not the girl he thinks I am. He immediately changed his tune and said he doesn’t think of me that way, that he wouldn’t be interested in someone that would do that and didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t exactly believe him, because why else would a guy tell me he’s “frisky” and invite me over after previously asking to cuddle? Then I guess he fell asleep, because I didn’t hear back from him that evening.

At some point he offered to help me hang something that I couldn’t reach – oh and a bonus – give me a massage. Now, I’m all for massages, but I have to trust the guy enough to know that’s all it’s going to be. Something came up and I couldn’t do it one day, and then something came up for him the following day.

I mentioned to him that he has a lot of ladies liking him, but he said he thinks I have the wrong idea about him. How can I not after his actions and lack thereof? He doesn’t express any interest in me whatsoever that he’d like to date me, so that’s why I was a little taken aback when the conversations took those turns. And since we barely even have a friendship, it automatically made me wonder how many other women he’s talking to like that. I mean, eventually one of these times someone is going to take him up on the offer, right? And how do I know he doesn’t already have someone else hanging around and that’s why we never actually get together, even as just friends?

I learned a few days later that instead of coming over like he said on one of these days, he was out to dinner with a group of people that included some of my friends. None of them knew that he and I know each other. So I guess I’m good enough to invite over when he’s horny but not good enough to hang with me as friends. I confronted him about it in a nonchalant way asking how dinner went. He’d had no idea I knew at least three of the people, and I mentioned how he kept blowing me off but only wanted to hang out to cuddle or when he was frisky. He quickly defended himself, saying he was only joking and sorry for the miscommunication. Okay… but I still don’t think it was that much miscommunication. I mean, if you intend to hang out with someone, wouldn’t you say something?? And how did I know he was joking? I told him I only know him by text, not in person to know when he’s joking. Again, he defended himself by saying he’s sorry and needs to recognize his audience. Still, whether or not he was joking, when someone first meets a woman and flirts, she’s not going to take it as a joke at all. Am I right or not?

I had also looked at his social media. He definitely has a lot of female admirers and “likes” a LOT of photos of sexy women in scantily clad clothing (seems to be pretty excessive for a man his age). So I also mentioned to him that he obviously likes women that are Barbie dolls, the model types. He again defended himself saying that’s not true at all and he’s sorry I came to that conclusion about him, that social media is no way to judge someone. He seemed pretty upset by my opinion and blunt honesty. He continued to defend himself, even though my very experience with him told me otherwise. Between the “joking” sexual innuendo and the scantily clad women, it’s pretty difficult to not think there’s something up.

After that text-only conversation, he hadn’t said another word to me since. So last night I asked him if he was still interested in buying something that I have for sale. He read my message, liked a bunch more women in bikinis, but never answered me. So I assumed he was upset from our last conversation and said so. He denied it, made some excuse, and once again I called him out on his shit. He thinks I have the wrong opinion of him, even though, as I said – this is based on my experience and observations.

Am I right or not? I can take constructive criticism and re-evaluate situations and such, but I’m keeping a safe distance from this guy. I feel that he’s gaslighting me. I haven’t once been flirty with him and have kept it strictly platonic in conversation. I am just bluntly honest with him… and it seems a lot of men can’t seem to handle that.

Teachers Good & Bad – the Time I Was Told I’d Never Be a Writer

(**Note: I just found some old writings that I’m going to share…**)

Written March 28, 2011

I very much value my teacher’s opinions, and always have (except one asshole at Florida State). Teachers have been the ones that have helped me through my most difficult times in life – as a child and as an adult. That’s why I became a teacher for a little while, until we moved here and all of the jobs were cut.

Oh… there is another teacher I didn’t like. I was attending journalism courses at Defense Information School while I was serving in the army. I was 18 years old and having a difficult time adjusting to life in general, and not quite understanding some of my coursework. I had a female Navy instructor tell me that I didn’t know how to write and that I would never be a writer. I was pissed. I’d been writing creatively since I was a young child, and I knew I could write. I just didn’t like writing about sports, because I hated sports and didn’t understand how to play them, much less write about them. I felt like telling her to shove it, but because I was afraid of everything and could have lost my rank, among other things, I kept quiet and cried, because I had been taught my whole life to shut up.

I was even doing poorly in my photography class, which seemed impossible, because I’d been taking photos since I was eight and developing film since high school – another lifelong passion of mine. I had a major yelling in my face that I wasn’t trying hard enough. But I knew I was doing the best I could. I was bawling my head off. It was humiliating being in uniform and serving your country and far away from people that matter and being told that you basically suck. They were about to send me off to some shitty bullet-counting school until they learned I was sick.

I was diagnosed as anemic and with endometriosis at the same time. No wonder I couldn’t comprehend anything being taught to me! After about three or four weeks of being hospitalized and going through surgery and healing, I finally came back and conquered it all. I even won “Best Feature Photo” of my graduating class, which was a complete surprise.

I guess I did have a few other teachers that sucked, but I try to forget about them. Mrs. Briggs, for example. Second grade. She was the meanest, most abusive teacher around, calling kids stupid and always screaming at them. She taught until she croaked, and when I saw her obit in the paper, I didn’t even flinch. I actually felt relieved that no other kid has to ever be in her classroom again. I doubt any students were sad about seeing that woman pass. I still talk to people that had her as a teacher, and we all share the same horror stories. I wrote about her in my memoir Unheard.

(**This was a journal writing that I did that had multiple topics in it. I will post more later!**)

A Year in Review – Sickness, Death, Grief, & Being Alone

The other day I was thinking that a year ago I had a lot of things going on. I started out house sitting for a friend at an amazing beachside location, but ended up getting the flu that eventually turned into pneumonia. It took about three months to feel normal again. In the meantime, I had started a new job in home health care and had been on a few dates with Mr. Mixed Messages that turned out to be quite the douchebag. I was also still distraught over Orange Crush, and internally, I was a huge emotional train wreck – which I am pretty certain was part of the reason I ended up so sick.

My fevers ran so high I think I actually lost a lot of memory from that time period, because the next thing I knew, it was April. During that time, one of my childhood friends was murdered by her ex-husband in a really horrific way. Today marks the one-year anniversary. And it didn’t even dawn on me until around September that one of my other childhood friends had passed away unexpectedly during that feverish time; it was then that I actually grieved about it. I couldn’t believe that I had “forgotten” about it until I went through my phone contacts and saw his name. A few others that influenced my life also passed in 2018. And then the client I was taking care of suddenly went into decline and passed away last summer. I just couldn’t deal with that type of job anymore, so I didn’t go back to it.

Throughout the year, I revamped some of the friends I had been hanging around – particularly those that seemed interested in my business, yet weren’t around to lend a helping hand when I needed it. There was one friend in particular that I thought I was close with, but she suddenly stopped speaking to me, and I didn’t know why. I finally confronted her, and one of her reasons was when I had picked up my newest job, some of the people I worked with knew her ex (I didn’t), and she just didn’t want to run the risk of running into him. Huh??? How is that my fault? I wasn’t even hanging around the people I worked with; I just simply worked there. Another reason was because when she’d asked me for an asthma inhaler, I had gone out of my way to bring her an extra one I had. However, I had no idea it had run out; obviously, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to bring her something she couldn’t use. I guess she ended up in the ER that day… and she blamed it on me. Wow. Her excuses really pissed me off, but I realized I didn’t need anyone so fucking selfish in my life anyway.

I was alone a lot last year. I didn’t necessarily want to be alone, because with my home health care job it was like being alone most of the time, and when I was sick I was alone. Being alone doesn’t bother me, but it’s not exactly healthy to be alone that much. I started kayaking alone again, even going back to the same spot that I had fond memories of with OC. In a way I guess it was therapeutic, because I wasn’t going to let the memory of him ruin my little sanctuary… but at the same time it made me both sad and angry. I guess I was still grieving.

By the end of the year, I decided to try dating sites again, because I didn’t want to be alone. What a mistake that was. (If you’ve been reading my blog, you already know this.) I decided that being alone wasn’t so bad, and now I am just used to being alone. Now I am using this time to write, do art, take classes, kayak, read, and catch up on all of the things I’ve been either avoiding or procrastinating.

While it would be nice to have a partner (it would also be nice to have sex!), I’m just going to settle for dating myself from now on. At least I know how to entertain myself… and not pee on the toilet seat.

A Date with the Most Annoying KISS Fanatic

Friends don’t set friends up with other friends that may be crazy. But that’s not always the case. About a year or so ago after being dumped by Orange Crush, one of my friends thought she was being helpful and really wanted me to meet one of her male friends, even though I told her PLEASE… JUST… DON’T. But sometimes friends can be a little sneaky and just “happen” to invite us both somewhere at the same time. She had shown me a photo of him, and he didn’t look like my “type” – even though I don’t exactly have a type – but there was something boyishly cute about him. Maybe it was his dimples.

Kiss Fan was a few years older than me and going through a breakup (a long-term relationship that included a young child but no marriage), which immediately turned me off. I thought he seemed nice and we did have some things in common, so it was nice talking to him – once. We did some drinking and made out, but ironically, he wasn’t a very good kisser – another huge turnoff. The next time we hung out, I realized all he talked about was music from the 80s and all of the concerts he’d been to, how much of a Kiss fan he is, and showed me tons of photos of him meeting some of the band members and following them all over the place like a weirdo.

Besides bands, the only other thing Kiss Fan talked about was his ex and how she cheated on him and blah blah blah. He’s another one that I told if I have to listen to this shit again, I’m charging $2 a minute. He had absolute zero communication skills. His text messages always read stupid shit like “Hey sexy” – which told me he’s only interested in one thing. And then he would say things that made no sense, which annoyed me more. He didn’t ask me any questions or give a damn about what I had to say or anything about me. He had no depth whatsoever and was kind of exhausting to be around – but at the beginning I put up with it, probably because I still wasn’t over OC and needed a distraction.

At the time I was working two jobs and also managed to do some construction work for Kiss Fan on weekends. Even working for him was more of a chore, because I felt like I was dealing with an ADHD child at times. He flirted with me a lot, and I didn’t really care, because I needed the money. Looking back, I should have charged him for that, too. Not only was he cheap as hell, he actually drank my fucking beer. I told him most bosses would buy their employees beer for working hard, not drink it. The funny thing is, his mother showed up to the site often, so he was always on his best behavior when she was around. Then she’d leave, and he’d pretend to hump me or something else juvenile.

The more I got to know him, the more Kiss Fan got on my motherfucking nerves. A few times he showed up to my house unexpectedly when he happened to be in the area, which is one of my biggest pet peeves. (Never, ever EVER show up to my house unexpectedly unless you’re Ed McMahon with a check from Publisher’s Clearing House!) Then Kiss Fan would sit or stand there and talk all about his ex and how she’s fucking him over with her new lover. After blabbing all of that unnecessary information for 10 or 15 minutes, he would leave, and I’d be like, “That’ll be $30 for listening to your bullshit and an extra $25 for stopping in without an appointment. I take Paypal.”

The last time we were hanging out, we were sitting on my couch (the only place to sit at my house) and – I am seriously not exaggerating here – he cupped my boobs in his hands and jiggled them up and down, making some weird “doo doo doo doo doo doo” noise like a 12-year-old Star Wars fan might do.

What. The. Fuck.

I was so pissed! I threw his hands off of me and told him he had to go. Shortly after, I got another job that took over my weekends.

Still, Kiss Fan continued to text me either via regular text or Facebook messenger (we’ve never been FB friends), and most of the time I’d ignore him. He’d send me photos of himself with Kiss members he’d pay a fortune to see, and I really didn’t give a damn. At some point when I got my new job I was working every single weekend, so my social life was my job. He knew this, but continued to ask me what I was doing, if I was working… and that got old fast. After ignoring him for quite some time, he texted something to me like, “Congratulations on being in love.” I was like wtf are you talking about?? He said, “you must be in love.” I suppose because I wasn’t answering him? Maybe that’s what his mother suggested? And that really annoyed the shit out of me even more, because I haven’t even had a second date in I honestly can’t remember how long. I went off on him and told him that I have told him 1000 times that I was at my fucking job and to stop texting me stupid shit.

He stopped. What a relief! Like I always do, after a certain period of time of not speaking to someone like him, I delete them out of my phone. Then the holidays came up and I got a Happy New Year text but didn’t know who it was, so I asked. He said, “This Susanna.” I said, “Your name is Susanna?” (by then I realized who it was due to the stupidity and the area code). Then a few days later he texted me again and I didn’t answer and decided to just block him.

And this is what I’ll be doing from now on – just blocking. The energy these types of people bring into my life just brings me down and puts me in a bad mood. So no more of that!

Date with a Greek Christian Wrestler

Submitted by Guest blogger, Kayte:

I met the Christian Wrestler on POF a couple of years ago. He was really good looking – dark hair, great physique – typical Greek features. He considered himself a “Christian” wrestler (whatever that means) and had some Youtube videos of himself wrestling.

The date went well. I liked him and agreed to a second date, but the very next day I was going to NY for a two-week visit.

Christian Wrestler and I only went on one date. The next thing I know, he’s texting me, claiming to be in love with me, telling me I’m the woman of his dreams that he couldn’t live without. He said he’d do anything in his power to get me… and he also wanted to move in together when I got home. I was freaked out about the suddenness of it all, and apparently he took that as an insult. Christian Wrestler started calling me a tease and all sorts of other nasty names.

I had to block Christian Wrestler, but he kept finding me. I kept blocking him, and eventually he left me alone. I’m sure he eventually ended up finding someone that bought into his bullshit. But for her sake, I hope he didn’t!

Why Do Women Fail to Report Sexual Assault or Harassment?

I’ve been watching the #metoo movement for a while now and all of the scandals with celebrities and other men in high places that don’t deserve a mention on my blog that have been outed for sexual assault and/or harassment. Alanis Morrisette sang about it 20-something years ago in her hit song “Right Through You“. The most recent celebrity scandal coming to light again is in the docu-series called “Surviving R. Kelly.” It’s amazing what money can buy to either silence or shame the victims in this fucked up, male-dominated world. And for people that continue to wonder why women wait or never speak up about sexual assault or harassment, consider this:

When I was in my early 20s, I answered ads at my local college photography department to do modeling for some students and instructors. One person in particular was an older man (a student), probably twice my age and older than my father. As it turned out, he lived in a multi-million dollar beachside home and also happened to own a talent agency.

Although I was extremely naive and trusting (because at the time my process of thinking was if he’s a student at my college, he must be safe… mmmkay), I was also aware of my surroundings and felt nothing threatening about him. I felt comfortable doing some modeling for him at both his home studio and on the public beach in front of his home. Things were okay, although he may have made a few unwelcome comments that I hadn’t quite caught onto.

After a few modeling sessions and promises to get me actual work through his agency – surprise! – nothing quite panned out. He knew that I was looking for odd jobs due to my college classes, so we agreed that I was going to paint a mural on his kitchen wall at an hourly rate. Being that I was both an art student and a single mom at the time, I thought this was a great arrangement to further my talents with a flexible schedule. Now remember that this was just over 20 years ago, so I don’t quite remember all of the details, but I believe it took me two to three trips to paint the mural.

On my last visit, this talent agent set up a camera, which I’d assumed was to film me painting. This particular mural was on a lower wall, so I was sitting or kneeling on the floor to work. Next thing I know, this man is behind me feeling me up, telling me to pose and look at the camera. I froze. I wasn’t sure how to react. He towered about a foot taller than me and certainly doubled my weight. I was alone in a house with someone I’d gained some trust, and his hand was literally up my shorts. I squirmed away, and he did it again. Eventually, my squirming and non-reaction finally caused him to stop. I recall him saying something along the lines of me not being turned on. Yeah, no shit, ya old skeezy perv!

I just wanted out of there, so I made some excuse that I had to leave to pick up my daughter from daycare. I packed my gear and never went back, never completing the mural. Obviously, this asshole had ulterior motives before hiring me. Hindsight says he knew EXACTLY what he was doing and carefully planned it.

Now here’s the thing – I can’t tell you specific dates of this event (I could probably narrow it to the year but it would take some research), but what I can tell you are specific details that I do recall. He had a daughter in college about my age, which was really fucking creepy thinking about it now. I was painting the dunes and seagrass of the beach. I was wearing somewhat baggy overall shorts with a tank top underneath. I was barefoot. His finger penetrated me. I remember feeling grossed-out, disgusted, humiliated, and somewhat helpless. How did I know he wasn’t going to hurt me or hold me down and force himself upon me? I felt powerless. All I could think about was getting the hell out of there, picking up my daughter, and going home to shower off the shame I was feeling. But of course we cannot shower off feelings. Feelings are the details that victims/survivors remember, and there may be triggers over an entire lifetime that rekindle them. For me personally, any unwelcome touch from a male can be a trigger.

Did I report this man? No. Why? Because as many women are either taught or as our backwards society thinks, I had put myself in a position to be alone with someone of wealth in his home, and no one would believe a young, single mom in college that needs money. I did not fight back. I did not verbally say no, although my body language clearly did. And I was too inexperienced to know that a man older than my father may not know better than to touch a woman his own daughter’s age inappropriately. You know how some of us have been taught that our elders are right?  Well, they aren’t always.

There is no doubt in my mind that I wasn’t the first, last, or only woman to whom he had done this. Even today, I think it’s pointless to come out and name this man. I have no idea if he still lives in the area or if he’s even still alive. If he were to run for office today, I would probably continue to keep my mouth shut, because survivors are constantly scrutinized, called liars, and put through the wringer and victimized all over again. I don’t want my private life made public (no matter what I may post here), and what proof do I have? My word against his, unless of course that video he was taking resurfaced. It would only add salt to old wounds, and who wants to be subjected to that? Unless, of course, several others came out and we united, then I would stand with my sisters.

I applaud women that are brave enough to come out with their stories, because these predators need to be exposed. But coming out after 20+ years isn’t for everyone. I can only imagine how many women have never told a soul about these types of behaviors and took it to the grave. It’s a dark secret to carry.

Finnegan, Dating the Biggest Liar on the Planet

Submitted by Guest Blogger, Kayte:

I met Finnegan on Plenty of Fish a couple of years ago after a 7-year bad relationship. He was completely charming, seemed to love my children, and seemed like he would do anything for me. My friends all liked him. I was head over heels for him, and naively moved him in with us after he spun a story about how his roommate decided to move his mother back into the room he was renting at their house.

Finnegan said he was 38, never married and had no children, and he was a driver for a large beer company. We made an agreement on how we’d split the bills and rent, and I felt relieved to finally have more money to save from that. Alas, that never happened!

Not only did Finnegan never pay a dime towards rent, but he even had the nerve to borrow money from me on occasion. He worked strange hours, and at one point I became suspicious as to where he was really going each day. He came home one day smelling distinctly of sex… yes, that smell is unmistakable, and my gut told me something was up for sure!

Upon further internal reflection, I realized I knew NOTHING about this man who was living with me and my children. I’d never seen any paperwork – no paystubs, no mail, etc. He’d moved in with one box of clothes for God’s sake! My suspicions finally got the best of me and I asked my ex (a cop) to check him out for me. Who was this man really???

We were about to celebrate his 39th birthday, which according to him, would be the first birthday he celebrated in years! (Due to his mother dying on that day… more lies of course!) As it turned out, Finnegan wasn’t 38 turning 39. He was actually ten years older. He had been married and divorced. He also had two children on which he owed thousands in back child support, and he had even lied about his living situation. The roommates had actually kicked him out for not paying rent. I also found out from his ex-wife that I wasn’t the first woman to contact her about him; Finnegan has a habit of charming women with children and moving in with them, then moving on to the next one.

When confronted about his age, his excuse was, “I just don’t want to be old!!” When I called him out on all his lies, he didn’t even apologize. He just said, “Okay, I’ll move out.” Then he came home, grabbed his box, and left! Loser!

His last words to me were, “No more relationships…I’ll just have friends with benefits! I’m going to block you now.” He disappeared that day! I was so pissed because I wanted to go off on him, vent my anger and frustration… but the bastard didn’t even extend me that courtesy!

I Give Up On Online Dating

Between how my New Year started out with the Cheapskate and the crazy messages I receive from men, I just deleted my Match and another paid dating account. Tonight was the last straw with the asinine comments. Some of them aren’t even from dating sites; some of these idiots find my Instagram and start to creep. I don’t make it private, because I sell my work on Instagram and need it for that. I just can’t deal with the rudeness and ignorance and immaturity of these assholes – some 50 y/o men. At this point, I don’t want to meet anyone online, period.

I was just looking back at my old Instagram messages, and one kid (I say kid, because he was under 30) had messaged me back in September. I had no idea who he was or what he wanted, but he said he’d seen me on Tinder. At that point, I hadn’t been on Tinder since last April, so I wasn’t sure if someone made a fake account or what. No, the kid just creeped on me for months. He wanted to “talk” (in my mind, he meant text for hours and send pics eventually – no thank you!). I told him he can talk only if he wants to buy my items. He said he wants to get to know the artist first. I told him to be serious, because I don’t have time to fuck around. The idiot didn’t even know where my art was (on my page as well as my website). He took a look at it and said he liked it. I said let me know what you’d like to purchase… then I didn’t hear from him until November. He starts off with his “hey how are you” bullshit, and I asked him what he needed. He said he wanted to take me to dinner. I told him we’re not a match, I know nothing about him or even what he looks like. Again, he said he found me on Tinder, sends me a picture of himself and tells me he’s 28. I told him it’s not going to happen, and if I don’t match on Tinder, don’t come creeping on my page months later pretending to be my friend. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, which is typical of these entitled annoying kids that can’t take no for an answer. So I look at who he follows, and it’s mainly scantily clad women. He finally got the point that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with me.

Another messaged me in December saying he saw me on Tinder, but this one was much older and only had 5 photos on Instagram – all of himself – posted on the same day. He immediately wanted to talk on the phone, which wasn’t going to happen. So I asked him, “Would you allow your mother, daughter, or sister to talk to a stranger without knowing a thing about them?” The idiot said yes he would, because everyone is a stranger. Again, I said I know nothing about him whatsoever, so he gave me a synopsis of his life story. I told him he lives too far away (always a great excuse!), and then he started asking me more personal questions about what I do for a living, etc. I have completely ignored him. I think it’s creepy and crossing a boundary when the woman is clearly not interested. And if they have to talk me into liking them, it makes me like them even less. It makes me feel like I’m at a used car lot.

Someone that I had actually spoken to online two years ago and suddenly blew me off (we were supposed to meet then but never did) decided to message me on Instagram the week before Christmas. He said something about doing lunch, and I reminded him that he was supposed to do that two years ago. He said it would be amazing to do dinner, too, and I told him that I was trying to decide how many men have already missed their chance. I left it at that. The following day, I received a text message from a number I didn’t recognize saying “I really adore you”. I asked who it was… no reply. I said “seriously, who is this? If you’re going to send me this shit at least tell me who you are.” No reply. I called the person a coward and never heard back. The number wasn’t listed anywhere I looked, but I had a friend that has ways to do things, and it turned out this was same guy that blew me off two years ago. What. The. Fuck. I can’t believe he still had my number and didn’t have the balls to tell me who he was. Dumbass!

Tonight I received a message from another Instagram creeper. I had no idea who he was, but apparently he found me “on a dating site” and had already messaged me before and I let him down. Still, he wanted to get together. I think I’m pretty nice about how I let this guy down, but he got all butt hurt and immediately blocked me. Good thing I didn’t go out with him, because he sounds like a real piece of work that can’t handle rejection. Oh – and we have NO mutual friends; the guy is a total creeper and has very little of anyone liking his lame photos.

Immediately after that idiot blocked me, I received this message. How this jackass found me, I have no idea, but I reported him, and I hope Instagram removes his profile.

I’m not joking when I say this all happened in the same evening – like literally back to back. I was checking my messages on Match and another site. I specifically say I do NOT want a married man or one in any sort of relationship. This one in particular was “married but looking” and sent me a message. It’s so fucking tiring to open messages like these and find out they’re married, so I started replying to all of them with “illiteracy runs rampant”. He was too stupid to get it, and his last reply was completely juvenile – and then he blocked me. I reported him to the site and then removed my profile.

I don’t have time for this shit. I’d rather sit home on a Friday night watching “Killer Women” on Netflix with my cat . I’m beginning to feel like online dating is slightly more dangerous than I’d imagined. I don’t care if I’m single for the rest of my life, because it sure beats spending one single second of my time with any of these losers!

A Date with a Cheapskate Unchivalrous Military Man

I’m really about over meeting anyone from dating sites anymore. I know I keep saying this, but I did pay for three months of Match and one month of another dull site and wish I’d just bought myself a nice dress and taken myself out to a really nice dinner instead.

This time I ended up meeting with a military guy that lived about an hour away. Now I have said to my friends that I am done meeting military men, because I’ve been married to them and have dated them throughout my life. Most are great guys, but their mindset is not compatible with mine. But I’m a sucker for trying anyway.

We agreed to meet at a halfway point, so I suggested a sports bar that I’m somewhat familiar with. I’d already eaten, so I wasn’t hungry when I arrived. He’d arrived early and had ordered food. Mr. Cheapskate didn’t even ask if I wanted anything, but the bartender gave me a menu and I ordered a beer. Physically, Mr. Cheapskate was decent looking, even though he was a little on the short side, and in good shape for a 50-year-old. The conversation went pretty smoothly – we had a lot of things in common, and we actually talked for about 3 hours. I thought that even if it doesn’t work out romantically, if anything, we could be friends.

In the meantime, I ordered a chocolate martini, because I wanted something sweet. Mr. Cheapskate asked for the tab, and I asked if my two drinks were on there as well. Yes, they were, so I said, “What do I owe?” – because that is one way to test where this is going (another date or a friend zone). Mr. Cheapskate said to just pay the tip ($10) and thanked me. I figured $10 was probably about the cost of both of my drinks, but whatever. When we were leaving, Mr. Cheapskate did not open the door for me, and he mentioned he was parked directly out front. I’d parked down the street in a lot. I could tell that Mr. Cheapskate almost let me walk alone but finally asked me if I wanted him to walk me to my car. “Of course,” I said, “it’s dark out and I’m not that familiar with this area”. So we walked to the lot, he hugged me and unexpectedly gave me a kiss. It was okay but a little awkward.

Mr. Cheapskate wanted to see me the following evening, but I hadn’t slept well and was too tired. Plus, I would have to drive an hour to his area, and I wasn’t about to do that after not sleeping, so we planned for the following evening. Unfortunately, the same thing happened, because I had terrible insomnia and back pain for three days. So we planned for New Year’s Eve. I had no interest in going anywhere, because I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with crowds, drinking, or driving. Plus, I wasn’t sure if I’d be paying my own bill and really couldn’t afford to anyway. I said I was just perfectly fine with lighting a fire, grilling burgers and hanging out for more good conversation. He suggested going to a sports bar… and I said I’m not hanging out at a sports bar on NYE (with shitty food that I might end up paying for).

On that day, Mr. Cheapskate was texting and calling me. I had literally just woken up and was cooking breakfast and doing dishes and couldn’t answer the phone. I was also catching up on the things I didn’t accomplish due to my back pain the previous days. He didn’t leave a message and tried calling about five minutes later. And about 10 minutes later, a “No Caller ID” showed up. I wasn’t sure if it was him being sneaky or a telemarketer, but I was annoyed and ignored the call.

When he was on his way over, I had another “No Caller ID” ring, and when I answered, it was Mr. Cheapskate. Now I was thinking oh great, he’s one of those types that does that sneaky shit, and we only had one date! At that point I was starting to regret asking him over. Prior to his arrival, he’d asked if I needed anything. I said I didn’t (I’m always prepared). When he arrived, Mr. Cheapskate arrived empty handed. Sure, I didn’t need anything, but the decent gesture is to at least bring your own booze or something, right? So I was a little more than slightly annoyed. Then he said, “Wow, look at all this food you made… I didn’t realize you were doing that. I should have brought something over.” Well, yes you should have, I thought, and I already told you that I just wanted a simple night of grilling burgers and a fire. Guess you weren’t listening?

The first time Mr. Cheapskate used my bathroom, he left my toilet seat up. I had probably already decided deep down inside, but I definitely decided right then this will be nothing more than a friendship. I’m not going to train a 50 y/o man to put a toilet seat down.

The rest of the evening went okay with conversation, but I started to get bored quickly. I put Mr. Cheapskate in charge of the burgers and the fire, since it was the least he could do, and I figured most men like doing that anyway. He overcooked the burgers (cooked them to the way he likes them, not the way I said I liked mine), and I ended up having to take over the fire and doing the entire cleanup. He’s not a big drinker, but Mr. Cheapskate did manage to drink half of my beer – and because he’s not a drinker, they really hit him hard. (I drink strong beer with high AVB.) So as the night went on, he got louder and talked over me – there went the conversation. He wasn’t obnoxious, just annoying. And the more he talked, the more I realized his accent, his voice, his build… and more reminded me of Dodger. It was almost a deja vu. (At least Dodger bought his own beer.)

Eventually, Mr. Cheapskate fell asleep on my couch, thank god, so I left him there and went to bed. As soon as I got comfortable and started to fall asleep, he walked into my room and invited himself to sleep in my bed. I told him no, you’re snoring, and I won’t be able to sleep. What did he do? He still got in my bed! I was pissed! Not only did he disturb my rest, now he thinks it’s okay to just take over? I don’t think so! So there I was in bed stewing at how rude he was and now wide awake. Within minutes, he started snoring. I shook him and said you have to go back in the living room, you’re snoring and I can’t sleep. He went back out and left me alone. By then it was probably 3am, so I was super pissed that he was not only ruining my sleep, I wanted to get up in the morning and take a nice beach walk to start my New Year out.

For the rest of the night, I heard Mr. Cheapskate in and out of my bathroom, so doors were shutting all night. I got up around 6am to pee and peeked into the living room. He was sleeping on my floor – which is tile but has a throw rug. I was thinking wtf is he doing on the floor? I didn’t care and went back to bed. When I woke back up around 9am, I felt like crap for not sleeping all night. He was still on the floor, and I woke him up, because I needed him to leave so I could start my day.

I guess Mr. Cheapskate couldn’t handle my beer very well. He thought he had food poisoning. I said well it’s not my food, I ate the same thing, and I’m fine. He said he was up all night spinning, puking and had diarrhea. Nice. He really was in bad shape, and I couldn’t get rid of him until about noon. My entire morning was shot, and pretty much my day, because I was too damn tired to do anything once he left. On top of that, I realized he definitely puked and shit all night… it was all over my toilet, even puke running down the side (I had cleaned my bathroom the day prior) and he had pee spots on my tile floor. How fucking gross!

I really expected more from a military man, because I have found them generally to be more chivalrous and courteous and cleaner. But this one really floundered. He messaged me the following day that he was feeling better but still not that great. And then he messaged me that night saying “goodnight” but I didn’t answer. The following day I got another “No Caller ID” call and didn’t answer it, and I don’t plan on seeing him again – friends or not. And now I have learned how to block these “No Caller ID” calls!

Having to Put a Guy in Friend Zone

Just because you may have had a good first date and liked the person doesn’t mean there was chemistry or enough in common to continue something past a friendship. I have learned this the hard way more than once. Sometimes you can’t move past friendship for one reason or another. Having to let someone down really sucks, but it has to be done so both people can move along.

I met Computer Guy on Match. He reminded me of someone I had dated 15 years ago (and that guy should have remained friendship material). He was in his early 50s, lived about an hour away, and had a teenage son. We chatted a bit and finally agreed to meet for a beer and then out to dinner. Our conversation was great, and we seemed to have a lot in common, but his kid kept wondering when dad was coming home. Strike one. This is why I don’t want to date men with younger kids. It wasn’t the first or second time it’s happened recently.

At the end of the date Computer Guy walked me to my car and gave me an awkward kiss. First, I wasn’t ready for it and I wasn’t even sure if I was physically attracted to him. The other turnoff was his terrible breath. It was the type of breath that smells like rotting garbage even when they’re standing 15 inches in front of you. It just comes out and makes you want to hold your breath. Sooo… strike two.

However, our conversation was great and we seemed to have a lot in common, but still… there was something else about Computer Guy I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I just knew there was something a little off. I learned it over the following week. In the meantime, I was still friendly to him.

And this is why I like to feel them out for a few days or week after the first date:

During the following week, Computer Guy had been texting me a little much, talking about physical things like massaging me and possibly staying at my place. I don’t know where he came up with these ideas, because none of our conversations had been even close to that. I told him that I’m not ready for anything physical and reduced my contact with him. Plus, I had started my period and didn’t want to deal with some man bullshit.

Computer Guy apparently got the hint and backed off a bit. We were supposed to meet up again, but I just wasn’t feeling it and not exactly feeling well. The more he texted me, the less interested I was in him. I felt that he needed my validation for every text he sent – and I felt he was needy – and that’s when it hit me that one thing I couldn’t pinpoint on the first date. The guy is fucking needy. I can’t do needy. That is some draining bullshit that sucks the life right out of you. No thank you!

So Computer Guy messaged me that he liked being with me and was hoping we’d get together again. I told him that I was really busy (it was just before the holidays) and told him that I didn’t think I could move forward as more than a friendship. I thought he’d appreciate me being blunt and honest. His reply?

“Sorry I gave a shit.”

Say what?? I had no idea WTF he was talking about. Then he started sending me long ass letters as text messages that I gave him the impression that I liked him and he only talked about kissing and massages, because he cared… that kissing me gave him some feeling… (I am not lying when I say it was only one date and a short kiss. Zero fireworks for me.) Then he told me that my text to him was basically a grenade and that I push people away. Wow. He made it seem as if we’d been dating for a few months.

I don’t disagree that I definitely push people away that I’m not interested in sharing my life with. Who doesn’t? But I did remind him that it was only ONE date and not enough time for me to have any types of feelings, that I like to take time and process things, not jump into something headfirst. Computer Guy still went on and on. I ended it with telling him that although I enjoyed our conversation and had a nice time, I felt no chemistry at all. He finally settled down and told me good luck in my search. Whew! I thought I was going to have to deal with another crazy. Luckily, he didn’t know where I lived, and he lived too far away to bother with me anyway.

So again, even though this date went well, it couldn’t even end in friendship because of that person’s expectations. To that I say: Not my loss.