Is He Gaslighting Me or What?
I met someone my age in my area that I became “friends” with, but it’s a little strange. I recognized him through social media when he came into my job a few times. Other than that, we both matched on Tinder (that I have since deleted). We haven’t actually hung out except once briefly when he did a favor for me. In the meantime, we chat strictly on a friendship level, but we have talked about dating and miscellaneous things involving dating. He seems like a really cool person to hang out with, and I have very few male friends that I actually do hang out with anymore. We’ve made “plans” a few times to have lunch or hang out, but it’s never happened. Either he stops communicating (no idea why), something comes up, he falls asleep, or he’s already in his PJs (early, like 7:30 p.m.), or whatever other excuse he’s used.
Once, he invited me over to help him do something, and I said I’d go, but was having dinner first with friends – and that turned into a late night. I felt a little bad for standing him up, but I did keep in touch and also invited him out. Another time he asked me over to cuddle. I thought that was odd, because I couldn’t exactly see myself cuddle with someone I’ve barely had a conversation with and not sure if I’m even attracted to. I mean, we’ve never even had a drink or a meal together, so I wasn’t sure if he was joking or trying to fuck me or what the hell was going on with that. I don’t even know him well enough to know if he’s joking or not. He’s never even complimented me or flirted with me in other ways. And that’s why this gets even more strange.
One night while I was having a girl’s night, he was texting me. I told him he’s welcome to come out and have a beer, but he didn’t want to. However, he told me he was feeling “frisky”. I wasn’t sure where he was going with that, so I said, “Like a cat?” He said no, so I knew what he was talking about. And he wanted me to come over. I was a little irritated at this turn in conversation after still never actually hanging out together.
I wasn’t going to buy into the sending flirty texts back and forth with someone that can’t take the time to have lunch with me. I told him that I didn’t think that was a good idea and that I’m not the girl he thinks I am. He immediately changed his tune and said he doesn’t think of me that way, that he wouldn’t be interested in someone that would do that and didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t exactly believe him, because why else would a guy tell me he’s “frisky” and invite me over after previously asking to cuddle? Then I guess he fell asleep, because I didn’t hear back from him that evening.
At some point he offered to help me hang something that I couldn’t reach – oh and a bonus – give me a massage. Now, I’m all for massages, but I have to trust the guy enough to know that’s all it’s going to be. Something came up and I couldn’t do it one day, and then something came up for him the following day.
I mentioned to him that he has a lot of ladies liking him, but he said he thinks I have the wrong idea about him. How can I not after his actions and lack thereof? He doesn’t express any interest in me whatsoever that he’d like to date me, so that’s why I was a little taken aback when the conversations took those turns. And since we barely even have a friendship, it automatically made me wonder how many other women he’s talking to like that. I mean, eventually one of these times someone is going to take him up on the offer, right? And how do I know he doesn’t already have someone else hanging around and that’s why we never actually get together, even as just friends?
I learned a few days later that instead of coming over like he said on one of these days, he was out to dinner with a group of people that included some of my friends. None of them knew that he and I know each other. So I guess I’m good enough to invite over when he’s horny but not good enough to hang with me as friends. I confronted him about it in a nonchalant way asking how dinner went. He’d had no idea I knew at least three of the people, and I mentioned how he kept blowing me off but only wanted to hang out to cuddle or when he was frisky. He quickly defended himself, saying he was only joking and sorry for the miscommunication. Okay… but I still don’t think it was that much miscommunication. I mean, if you intend to hang out with someone, wouldn’t you say something?? And how did I know he was joking? I told him I only know him by text, not in person to know when he’s joking. Again, he defended himself by saying he’s sorry and needs to recognize his audience. Still, whether or not he was joking, when someone first meets a woman and flirts, she’s not going to take it as a joke at all. Am I right or not?
I had also looked at his social media. He definitely has a lot of female admirers and “likes” a LOT of photos of sexy women in scantily clad clothing (seems to be pretty excessive for a man his age). So I also mentioned to him that he obviously likes women that are Barbie dolls, the model types. He again defended himself saying that’s not true at all and he’s sorry I came to that conclusion about him, that social media is no way to judge someone. He seemed pretty upset by my opinion and blunt honesty. He continued to defend himself, even though my very experience with him told me otherwise. Between the “joking” sexual innuendo and the scantily clad women, it’s pretty difficult to not think there’s something up.
After that text-only conversation, he hadn’t said another word to me since. So last night I asked him if he was still interested in buying something that I have for sale. He read my message, liked a bunch more women in bikinis, but never answered me. So I assumed he was upset from our last conversation and said so. He denied it, made some excuse, and once again I called him out on his shit. He thinks I have the wrong opinion of him, even though, as I said – this is based on my experience and observations.
Am I right or not? I can take constructive criticism and re-evaluate situations and such, but I’m keeping a safe distance from this guy. I feel that he’s gaslighting me. I haven’t once been flirty with him and have kept it strictly platonic in conversation. I am just bluntly honest with him… and it seems a lot of men can’t seem to handle that.