January 2019 Brain Dump

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and keeping to myself. I try to make myself get out once in a while so I don’t get cabin fever, but I haven’t really had the energy to bother. I’ve been eating like shit, then healthy… and either living healthy or not doing the healthiest things like I should be. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. It’s a rollercoaster, and I hate rollercoasters.

I’ve been up and down with how I’ve been feeling, and I hate it. However, I am perfectly aware that my cranky times are when I’m hungry, tired, in pain, and/or having PMS. I can only control the hunger part, and healthy eating is vital to my mental state. Everything else takes its own course, and it’s depressing. Sometimes I attribute some depression to iron and/or B12 deficiency, because I have had anemia in the past, so I try to take supplements. I eat pretty well, so I’m not sure why this is happening. I feel like my body is a changing mess, and I’m not liking it. And I’m sure whatever shit is being put into our food contributes to it all. And I definitely have more physical issues in the winter months.

I started gaining control of the insomnia for a few weeks – not sure what changed that, but perhaps it’s because I’ve been writing so much and getting all of this brain shit out of my system. Deleting the dating sites and not dating at all helped. But then the insomnia came back last week, and my sleep pattern is all screwy again. So now I’m tired and achy, which makes the depression come back. Oh yeah, and the obnoxious construction and lawn crews in the area with their obnoxious machines making obnoxious noises that wake the entire neighborhood seven days a week didn’t help.

I haven’t had sex in way too long, which also probably adds to the depression. But I refuse to have sex with anyone I’m not in a relationship with; it’s just not worth it emotionally, and I really don’t trust anyone enough to get involved. I’ve only cuddled with someone once in the past 3+ months, and while it was really nice, I don’t know who else that person is with, so I can’t let myself get too close. I’m afraid to get too close to anyone, even though I want to. I miss the euphoric feeling of liking someone a lot and being liked back as much, but I can’t do any of this short-term shit. I mean, I guess if you don’t spend time with someone, you don’t know, but the disappointments get old and tiring. I feel like every time I meet someone, I either like them or they like me but not mutually. Or it seems when I meet someone I like, they quickly move on to the next woman (or lie about seeing other women), so why bother trying to get to know anyone?

People say you won’t get disappointed if you don’t have expectations. But it’s imperative to have expectations, because we all have standards, right? Looking back, I see I had significantly lower standards than what I should have had, which is probably why I have a lot to write about. (I’d probably be more concentrated on writing fiction if I had a love life.)

The other day I felt the need to find a motivational speech or something “happy” to listen to found something on TED Radio. The speaker talked about how people who have healthy, functional relationships are in better health and much happier when they’re older. It was a 75-year study and quite interesting. I also notice that people who have closer friends (i.e. best friends) and close family relations tend to be happier. I mean, it makes sense, right? I often feel like such an outsider and infrequently experience the feelings of being close to anyone. I don’t fit into groups at all; in fact, I despise them and begin to feel claustrophobic and anxious… unless it’s a classroom situation, then I’m okay. While I love being with the people I love, I can only take so much of them, and then I want to be alone again. And when I’m in a relationship, I can’t be smothered; it needs to be an even balance of space, or I will flee. I often feel like something is wrong with me. Is this normal?

I have a lot of personal decisions to make, but not all of it depends on me alone. Opportunities and other factors have a lot of play in that. I want to travel. I don’t want to continue doing some of the work that I do that doesn’t exactly help me spiritually except to pay the bills. My main job is a clusterfuck of b.s. and drama, and the energy there isn’t fitting me. I don’t care if I have a job that takes me out of town – I just want to get out as much as possible and make money – but I have to enjoy what I do or forget it. Lived through this long enough. But it seems like all of the good opportunities were 20+ years ago. Oh, to be young again…