I know I’ve only been posting about my dates from hell, but I have actually had some pretty good dates over the years. However, most of those had no chemistry on my part. Obviously, I had three months of great dates AND chemistry with OC, so that bar has been set to only find good dates that also have chemistry.
Years ago before I was married, I had a good date with a doctor, but there was no chemistry. Same goes for another date to a Renaissance faire and again to dinner but no chemistry. I’ve even had friends with benefits types of dates in the past that were a lot of fun. Today, I remain friends with many of these guys. And obviously I had some great dates with the person I was with for nearly 10 years. I had a pretty good first date with Computer Guy until he got weird and insisted he only wanted a relationship not a friendship. I had another good first and last date with someone our acquaintance set me up with… and again, no chemistry on my part, and I didn’t think we had that much in common.
I have also had some other great dates with good food and drinks and conversation. The most recent was with a man originally from California that is a few years older than me and super accommodating. We spoke on the phone for several hours until late morning over three nights. I really enjoyed talking to him; he was a good listener and a genuinely sweet person. Cali drove an hour to meet me for dinner at a really nice restaurant. When I arrived, he had flowers waiting. Our meal was amazing, and the date went very well. I wanted to have that chemistry, but no matter how hard I wanted to, I wasn’t feeling it. I don’t know what was holding me back; maybe it was lack of chemistry, maybe it was intuition of something I haven’t figured out yet. Or maybe it was because he looked so much like someone else I’d briefly dated (they even drive the same car!). And that really sucks, because Cali would probably make a great boyfriend for someone. I knew he could tell that I wasn’t into him as he was to me. But I am not sure if I could develop something more over time if we remain friends and get to know each other more than just over the phone. I think he may be like Needy Guy and only wanting an immediate relationship, whereas I’m all about taking things slow.
I know Cali wants more than just a friendship, and so do I, but I think a relationship really needs to start off as a friendship to begin with – chemistry or not. I can’t just rush into a situation like I have in the past. And there are things about Cali that really do melt my heart, but I can’t allow that to be my reason for going forward with a relationship. Looking back, it’s exactly how I ended up married to a person I basically had nothing in common with and no chemistry (who was also very needy).
I want a man that both makes my heart melt AND my panties wet!
Also, I think that just because I can hold a conversation for hours with certain people doesn’t necessarily mean we’re meant for each other in a romantic way. Obviously, being able to communicate in any relationship is a must for anything to last. But it seems like a lot of men confuse the fact that just because I’m nice that I’m automatically into them. Cali kept mentioning how close he felt to me by our conversations, and I truly appreciate that. However, I have had conversations with several people throughout my life that were just as good and just as long without having a romantic relationship.
So what now? I think I’m at least getting somewhere by raising the bar for what I want and what I’m not going to tolerate. I have been extremely flexible (too flexible!) in dating people that don’t make my “list” of things, which turned out to be disastrous. But I know one thing is for certain – the mental (which to me includes intellectual and emotional), spiritual, and physical ALL have to be included in my next one. It often seems impossible.
On this: “But it seems like a lot of men confuse the fact that just because I’m nice that I’m automatically into them.” Yes!
On another note – sometimes you never can tell whether you are sexually compatible with someone. My beloved for example – no instant attraction or feeling as if I wanted to have a relationship with him, but after our first date and first kiss – phewee! It definitely changed – and I realised that he is dynamite and just perfect for me. This is what used to confuse me when I was online dating a lot – giving people a chance. It usually backfires, but sometimes it doesn’t. I am a living case in point 🙂
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I am completely open to the fact that there may not be sexual chemistry immediately (at least on my part), but these men that I’ve been meeting… when I say “friends for now” they get all butt hurt and they don’t want to just be friends. They want it all, and they want it now. So it’s their loss!