I started writing this the other day, but was interrupted 35 times and never had the chance to finish. This entire week has been shit so far, and today I start a new job that I hope goes well after not sleeping all night due to trashy people starting drama (that will be a separate post). My anxiety is through the roof, and without sleeping well all week, it’s starting to depress me.
The other day was an exceptionally emotional day, and I’m not sure why. I was literally on the verge of tears, and as I was sitting in a public place, I was afraid I might show that weakness. And I fucking hate crying in front of people. Maybe it’s because it was nasty rainy weather, or maybe it’s because the cat had woken me up at 4 a.m., and I hadn’t slept enough. Or maybe because I realized that Biker Guy received his letter, gave no reply (didn’t expect one anyway), and the reality of being used sunk in.
I ask myself a lot of questions, like how do other people just go on with their lives like nothing has happened? And how do people move on from one person to the next without feeling? And how are people so cold-hearted and uncaring? I tend to do a pretty good job of beating myself up over things, especially when I’m the one that should be ghosting men and breaking hearts instead of vice versa. Here are just a few of the things that run through my mind when this happens:
What did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Am I too weird? Did I do something that offended them? Am I too fat? Are my boobs too saggy? Is my (insert body part here) (insert adjective here)? Do I not make enough money? Do I smell weird? Do they not like my house? Did I not do enough for them? Am I fucked up and don’t recognize it? Am I crazy?
And then I go about comparing myself to others, which is total shit. Sure, I get compliments from people all the time about various things, whether it be about talent or looks. But looks do fade, and so far, my talents have barely kept my head above water, so I can’t be that special, right?
I have to constantly remind myself to stop doing this, because it’s not helpful, and the reality is this: The only thing I’m doing wrong is believing and dating dishonest, immature, low-class fucking asshole men that should consider themselves lucky to even spend one minute alone with me… men I should have never given the time of day. Men that I should have friend-zoned, and sometimes not even that, just “zoned” altogether and left them out of my life completely.
I know I have friends and acquaintances that read this blog, but a lot of these people think they know me just by reading it. What they don’t understand is that this is only one thin layer of this onion, and by only reading things someone writes doesn’t mean you know anything about them at all, especially when you don’t hang out in person. It annoys the shit out of me when people try to give me unsolicited advice based on what I write, because I’m not here for advice; I’m here for my mental well being to spew my anger and unhealthy thoughts, because I have nowhere else to direct my feelings. These thoughts are not who I am, but they are a part of my experiences. I never asked you to read this. Same people are surrounded with other people all the time and have a good support system when times get tough, so they have no clue whatsoever what it’s like to be alone buried in your own thoughts and feeling alienated from the world. So for those of you that like to give me unsolicited advice and tell me how to live my life: I never asked you. As a matter of fact, you only piss me off even more, because we don’t hang out in person – ever – so you can shove your advice. If you’ve never experienced what I have, then shut the fuck up and solve your own problems, because you’re certainly not helping me at all.