Are you in a disposable relationship?

Being disposable means being replaceable, and typically in these types of relationships, you will probably be replaced pretty quickly. There are obviously differences in relationships that are friends-with-benefits and Tinder hookups, but have you ever felt disposable in an actual relationship, as if it could end at any given moment, because you don’t feel like the person you’re with is serious about things?

Feeling disposable in a relationship is nerve-wracking, invoking anxiety, depression, insecurity, and doubt. I have felt that way a few times or more in past relationships, and it was usually my gut feeling telling me something was up. My gut was always right, whether or not I acted and listened to it! I recall a specific situation in which I should have ran far away, but he seemed like such a nice guy and we “clicked” right away. In the end, my heart was broken to pieces, and I was left an emotional trainwreck. There have been other situations in which I should have ended the relationship but kept it going, because that’s what women are conditioned to do.

Opening up to someone is a huge part of a relationship, so if a partner refuses to share their opposing political and spiritual views with you, then they probably don’t trust you or feel comfortable enough talking about things – even if it’s a simple discussion to know where they stand. How will that ever work in a relationship if you don’t know what they value in life? It won’t, because eventually, they will find someone that does openly share their views.

Going-with-the-flow types of relationships can also equate to being disposable, because there is no talk of the future to progress things. Sometimes going with the flow is great; however, when you’re really hoping to share dinner or a weekend with someone and they can never commit until the day of, it’s not a good sign. Being unable to make short-term commitments will more than likely lead to no commitment at all. Also, if you notice they can make plans and commitments with other people but not you, that’s a sure sign you’re disposable!

One thing I’ve noticed is people that date within groups (i.e. groups of friends) tend to stick together and aren’t fond of outsiders. So if you’re an outsider and you don’t quite fit in with them, you might be disposable, because friends will influence each other, and some are just crazy enough to start some undeserved drama. Of course, if the person you’re with is that easily influenced and unable to think for themselves, then you probably don’t want to be dating them anyway. To people like that, I always say, “This isn’t high school anymore!”

If there is something you are passionate about (i.e. a hobby), and the person you’re dating not only takes zero interest in it, but doesn’t even support you by doing simple things like following you on social media or at least taking a look at what you do, you might be in a disposable relationship. If someone is truly interested in you, they want to see you doing well and take some interest in what you do, so if they’re busy liking their friend’s or ex’s memes and selfies, they can find a moment to support what is meaningful to you. If you’re the one taking interest or supporting the other person in their hobbies but they don’t do the same back for you, you’re disposable, because they are selfish and only care about having someone on their side for what they like and support.

You could be disposable if your partner is hiding things – like their phone. Why be secretive if you’re in a relationship? Or if they refuse to add you to their Facebook, wouldn’t you think that’s sketchy? It probably means you’re disposable and easy to ghost, and most likely no one will even know you existed, because there won’t be photos of you together and it’s easy to block you, which is usually what happens in disposable relationships. That makes for easy ghosting! And if someone who ghosted you comes back, there is a good chance their behavior isn’t going to change, and ghosting is definitely something that could repeat itself.

Disposable means it’s meant to be thrown away. Imagine putting tons of effort into something and throwing it in the garbage. That’s what being in a disposable relationship is like, so if you find yourself in too many of the situations I mentioned above, take some time to think if it’s really worth your time.

(*Side note: I titled this post prior to seeing this article with the same title. I thought I’d add it for good reading.)

Mind Purge – November 2020

Time to purge again. I’ve been reviewing situations in my life that aren’t working for me, because they’re unhealthy, or other things that I have grown past. In order to live the life I want, I have to keep reminding myself that I have to be around other people that practice healthy and mindful habits. I have been distracted and not making healthy choices, and it’s really starting to show now. My body is hating me from treating it improperly, and my emotions have been all over the place. For now, I just need to sit and think and focus about what I really want out of the rest of my life, because being closer to 50 than to 40 means my life is at least half over, and I don’t want to waste it on things that don’t benefit me.

I’d been feeling super disorganized for the past few weeks – mainly because my apartment is super tiny, and my living area serves as my office, my dining area, my living room, my meditation area, and my studio. I had been working on several projects that took up all of that space, and it was making me crazy – my entire place looked like a tornado had gone through it! I couldn’t concentrate, focus, or complete anything. So I cleaned it up, but now most projects are put to the side.

I have been living in this tiny place for coming up on six years. I really enjoy my location and cost and plenty of things about it, but I really need more privacy and working space and quiet. Privacy is a huge thing for me, because I freak out when I look out my window and someone is standing there (for legit reasons, but still sometimes creepy…). Quiet is another thing, but I’m not even sure if that exists in neighborhoods anymore if it’s not out in the boonies. Every time I try to enjoy my back patio and listen to the wind and birds, it never seems to fail that someone comes along and starts up a lawn mower, leaf blower or other obnoxious man-made machine, or the annoying dogs down the street start barking non-stop, or all of the above. It wasn’t this bad when I first moved here, but now that the city is rapidly overgrowing, it’s inevitable that the noise won’t be stopping anytime soon. And that’s not going to work for me when I’m attempting to concentrate on things that are important to me.

Taking in some self-reflection, I realize I don’t even have goals anymore the way I used to. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to. Now my goals are usually things like “fix car” or “keep roof over head.” I used to have goals for jobs or travel plans. Not that I don’t have ideas, but making plans when your life is still up in the air with work and money and the state of the country makes it difficult. Six years ago, my long-term goal was to buy a house. I had a job that looked promising, but that was a total joke, and then everything went downhill from there, and while I can picture things in my mind of what I would like for my future to be like, the Universe often has different plans.

I feel like I’ve lost myself a bit…

Political Differences, Breakups, and Crotches

Here we go again – another insane election in a country that wreaks of mental illness.  I’m going to say this loud and clear – I am for human rights, civil rights, women’s rights (pro-choice), LGBTQ rights – and nothing is going to change that. I believe in humanitarianism, because like it or not – we ALL have to live in this world together, and the only way to live in an actual civilized society is for its members to be civil towards one another. And I’m sure one thing we can all agree on is that this has been the complete shitshow of what has happened to the good ol’ US of A, the country that I served for every person of color, gender, and religion. What has happened to our country is embarrassing, while the rest of the world mocks us and looks down upon us as dumbasses.

This is something I had written and posted during the Obama era, and it seems to me that every four years comes some pretty cringeworthy things that grab my attention.

Posted November 4, 2012: 

Normally, I don’t talk politics because it’s just like talking religion. I have friends from all walks of life, and this year’s election has brought out a lot of things I didn’t know about people. I was surprised to hear when two of my friends announced that they were getting divorced over politics. He’s a die-hard Romney fan and she’s somewhat of a women’s rights activist.

“I cannot live with a man that doesn’t believe in my rights, much less be married to him,” she told me. I must admit that I would probably feel the same way in a marriage like theirs.

Earlier this week one of my favorite gay friends announced that he deleted all of his Facebook friends that are Romney supporters.

“If they support Romney, then they don’t support my lifestyle. Therefore they are not my friends,” he wrote.

I don’t blame him. Being the sister of a gay man, I cringe when I see someone posting something negative about homosexuals, because they are hurting a part of me that I dearly love.

I’ve seen dozens of political posts from friends that I’ve ignored. Out of respect, I don’t feel it’s my place to comment on someone else’s page if they have a preference different from my own – just as I wouldn’t want them to litter up my page with their garbage.

And then I had my own experience of being politically abolished. After receiving my ballot and frustrated over propositions concerning women, I posted on my Facebook fan site:

Dear Republicans,
Please stay out of my crotch.

Someone that I’d never heard of before (whose Facebook page was littered with pro-Romney links) – that had neither ever commented nor even “liked” any of my non-political posts (read: all of them except for this one) – stated that I had just lost a fan, and she began bad-mouthing me. Long-time fans came to my defense. I simply blocked her. Anyone that has read my book(s) knows damn well that I’m not going to allow anyone to tell me how I should feel, act, speak, or think (after all, my Facebook page is SusannaSpeaks!!). While I appreciate and respect other people’s opinions, I found it tacky that someone would make an effort to stir up negativity rather than silently remove herself. But it showed her true character.

So I will say it now. I support gay rights. I support women’s rights. If you want to act like a third grader and don’t want to be my “fan” anymore because of how I feel, then so be it. I’m looking for those that celebrate, not hate.

De-Basing Your Own Self Worth

This is something I blogged nearly ten years ago. Unfortunately, I had repeated some of these old patterns after my marriage ended seven years ago. 

From February 10, 2011: 

We often base our own self worth by how the people we love treat us. While I was rummaging through some old journals, I flipped through one of them from a few years ago. In it, I’d been writing some answers to questions from a self-help book. Some of the questions related to describing our relationships to our fathers. I thought I’d share a tidbit of what I wrote at the time:

My father is someone I haven’t spoken to in three years. I am told that he thinks I’m a lesbian. I don’t know what made him think that, but I’m pretty sure some socially incapacitated person in the family started that rumor. He also thinks that I’m going to hell for not believing in his religion, even though he’s never asked me what my beliefs are.

I believe that through my father’s eyes, I am just like my mother (whatever that means), but I believe what my father sees is completely different from the real me, and I believe he bases his beliefs on what others tell him. I wish he’d accept me for who I am and not treat me like an outsider or a bad person – because what I am is spiritual, hardworking, loving and accepting of people that he perceives as different.

He’s always been emotionally distant and has always downgraded my thoughts and feelings. For example, when I had a particular goal in mind for college or a career, he disagreed and insulted my decisions. It didn’t matter what I’d accomplished or how good my intentions were. How could he be so opinionated about what I do with my life? It’s not like he helped me through college, or even came to my graduation for that matter. He never even sent me a card when I got married. 

My father doesn’t even know me – how could he? He hasn’t spent one moment alone with me in over 25 years. Not even a lunch together. Maybe I should have been born a boy named Jesus, as long as it’s not pronounced “hey soos”.

How did the way my father treat me affect my life? Quite profoundly, actually. Before I met my wonderful husband, I had dated my share of emotionally unavailable men. For many years, I couldn’t figure out why. I kept thinking something was wrong with me. It wasn’t me that was flawed – it was my choices. After years of counseling, self-help books, and acknowledging that I am worthy, I finally learned that I do not have to base my self worth on what anyone thinks of me – including my own father or anyone else in my family. I had to change my pattern of thinking and some of the patterns of my actions so that I did not keep repeating the same redundant relationships over and over.

I see so many other women that are just like me, except that they are still stuck in the rut of not recognizing the destructive patterns that debase our self worth. It’s a vicious cycle that must be broken if you’re ever going to find the happiness we all want. It is not impossible to break these patterns, but it does require some work – and it will not happen overnight or in a month. Sometimes it takes several months or even years. It’s all about what you want with your life. Isn’t your happiness worth it?