Time to purge again. I’ve been reviewing situations in my life that aren’t working for me, because they’re unhealthy, or other things that I have grown past. In order to live the life I want, I have to keep reminding myself that I have to be around other people that practice healthy and mindful habits. I have been distracted and not making healthy choices, and it’s really starting to show now. My body is hating me from treating it improperly, and my emotions have been all over the place. For now, I just need to sit and think and focus about what I really want out of the rest of my life, because being closer to 50 than to 40 means my life is at least half over, and I don’t want to waste it on things that don’t benefit me.
I’d been feeling super disorganized for the past few weeks – mainly because my apartment is super tiny, and my living area serves as my office, my dining area, my living room, my meditation area, and my studio. I had been working on several projects that took up all of that space, and it was making me crazy – my entire place looked like a tornado had gone through it! I couldn’t concentrate, focus, or complete anything. So I cleaned it up, but now most projects are put to the side.
I have been living in this tiny place for coming up on six years. I really enjoy my location and cost and plenty of things about it, but I really need more privacy and working space and quiet. Privacy is a huge thing for me, because I freak out when I look out my window and someone is standing there (for legit reasons, but still sometimes creepy…). Quiet is another thing, but I’m not even sure if that exists in neighborhoods anymore if it’s not out in the boonies. Every time I try to enjoy my back patio and listen to the wind and birds, it never seems to fail that someone comes along and starts up a lawn mower, leaf blower or other obnoxious man-made machine, or the annoying dogs down the street start barking non-stop, or all of the above. It wasn’t this bad when I first moved here, but now that the city is rapidly overgrowing, it’s inevitable that the noise won’t be stopping anytime soon. And that’s not going to work for me when I’m attempting to concentrate on things that are important to me.
Taking in some self-reflection, I realize I don’t even have goals anymore the way I used to. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to. Now my goals are usually things like “fix car” or “keep roof over head.” I used to have goals for jobs or travel plans. Not that I don’t have ideas, but making plans when your life is still up in the air with work and money and the state of the country makes it difficult. Six years ago, my long-term goal was to buy a house. I had a job that looked promising, but that was a total joke, and then everything went downhill from there, and while I can picture things in my mind of what I would like for my future to be like, the Universe often has different plans.
I feel like I’ve lost myself a bit…