Duality & Intuition Brain Dump

I need to do another brain dump, because there are too many things in my head all at once. Even though I haven’t written that much the past couple of months, I really have a lot on my mind that I need to get out. This might be a bit rambling. 

I’ve been fighting dualities for years, and I tend to see both sides to things, but I also have to look out for myself first and foremost. Listening to my intuition is a hard lesson learned when I don’t follow it. I do believe that at some point, it could mean life or death, pain and misery. 

There are things I probably need to write just to get off my chest, even if I don’t post it, and I’ve been reconsidering what I should and shouldn’t put out there in public. I’m at a crossroads of asking Is it too much information? Do people really need to know this? But I also consider if I’m actually helping anyone else by putting it out there, because due to lack of responses and interaction on my posts, I really don’t know. A few times I have considered writing another book, but more of a tell-all – elaborating on stories here, as well as filling in other gory details not yet mentioned. And if I’m going to write a book in the future, I need to keep the blog to keep readers interested. Double-edged sword.

Something else I went back and forth about recently, because everything about it seemed like it was exactly what I have been asking from the Universe: I was offered a job that sounded like it might be great, and everything about it was right up my alley. It was a 2-week travel project, and the pay would have covered most of my monthly expenses. The only catch was, I’d be traveling alone with a male I’d never met AND being his assistant 24/7 the duration of the trip. I don’t even think I could manage that with someone I loved without having a break, never mind a male stranger I knew nothing about. Privacy and safety was my biggest concern, and even though everything seemed to check out about this person, something in my gut had me reconsidering. 

It’s this gut that I have had to learn to listen to, no matter how good things seem to check out or how badly I need the money. Due to not completely listening to my gut about 15 years ago, I ended up in a really bad situation I have yet to talk about here. I did start to write about it, but there are so many details and years to the situation, it would be more like a chapter of a book. 

Nevertheless, this situation from 15 years ago flashed into my head while I was hemming and hawing about this job offer. This was my intuition telling me that something was awry about it. This is a sign that I have learned to listen to very closely: When something or someone awful from the past shows up in my mind, it’s warning me of a situation I’m about to get myself into. Run! 

Thinking about whether or not I was going to take the job caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety. When I came to the conclusion that I was going to turn it down, I felt a huge relief, and the anxiety went away. After writing this, I realized that I have felt this way about jobs in the past, and if considering the job causes that much uneasiness, it’s probably not a good fit. When I did take jobs that caused me to feel apprehensive, they ended up not lasting or being anything that was presented to me. Whether something looks good on paper is often not what it really is. 

A Dinner Out Turned Crazy

I ain’t got time fo dat!

When I say people’s energy affects me in debilitating ways, I’m not joking. By staying away from most everyone right now, it’s helping to heal some things that I wasn’t even aware existed. I suppose that the drinking I’d done in the past was a bandaid that dulled my senses to feel everything around me. Going out in public once a week is usually enough for me to remember why I don’t like being around people. The traffic is horrendous this time of year, there are too many out-of-towners for a small town, and now there are just too many damn people in Florida overall.

I’m open to pretty much doing anything except bars, so I manage to make myself go out to eat or to an event or to something other than the grocery store once a week just to be out in the world. Usually one night in a noisy restaurant has me good for a week of being around people. I feel like I have to shake the energy off of me, and in some circumstances, it’s much harder.

Over the past month, I visited one of my favorite restaurants I’ve been going to for about 13 years. It’s a small place with great food and a good atmosphere. Again, I visited the other day, ordered food, had some conversation with the owner, left some business cards. Just a regular night out for me. Then something both completely unexpected and fucked up happened.

As I was getting ready to leave the place and chatted with the owner, his baby mama was blowing up his phone the entire time he was working; he said she does this every night and is always accusing him of cheating. I’m like wow, that sucks… I should go before she pulls up here. He says oh she wouldn’t do that, but somehow I knew better. Before I could walk out, she pulled up to the door of the restaurant in a car, came in and started screaming at him that he should have been home hours ago, that he’s probably drunk again. Then she pointed at me, asking if he was fucking me, too. Yikes!!!

I was like “Whoa, what the fuck! I’m not fucking anybody! I’m just a customer!”

It was such a bizarre, uncomfortable situation of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t know what I was dealing with and wasn’t about to take any chances. I waited for psycho baby mama to leave so she didn’t follow me or know my vehicle. The owner apologized profusely, said she probably wouldn’t follow me but to let him know I made it home okay. I sent him a text when I made it home, no one followed me.

About an hour later, my phone rang from the owner’s number. It was pretty late by then, and I wasn’t sure if perhaps the cops were involved at that point and needed a witness. But it wasn’t him. It was psycho baby mama telling me to stop contacting her fiancé before she cussed me out and hung up on me. Then she proceeded to text me from his phone about their relationship, which I could give two shits about. It was late, and I was over the drama that I neither caused nor deserved. Seriously, what the fuck! I told her to get help, because she needed to focus on her child instead of raging at someone that’s an innocent customer, to not involve me in their Jerry Springer drama, and do not contact me again! It’s been silent since.

However, today I noticed someone viewing my Instagram stories that looked familiar. I confirmed through a mutual friend that it was psycho baby mama. It felt a bit creepy, because what is she looking for? I have nothing to do with whatever is going on between them. Then I realized that the owner’s account now has me blocked, which he’s probably not even aware. I took a screenshot, blocked her and relayed the message through a mutual friend about it, letting him know that I will not be coming back to the restaurant. It’s just too weird now.

It was such bad energy and felt like it screwed up the good vibe I had going that evening. I didn’t sleep well that night, either, and I haven’t felt the same since. This is why when something happens, it takes me a while to recover my own good energy, because I feel everything so deeply. This is why I can only be around people for a short amount of time.

Once again, here I was minding my own damn business when – bam! The night ends with some bullshit. Now one of my favorite places to eat is a place I no longer feel comfortable going to. Considering that I never really go out, that leaves me with very little options of places to go that I like. It also makes me wonder if it’s a sign to get the hell out of this town and start looking for something that serves me better.