I’ve come to the realization that I’m depressed again, and when I’m feeling content for too long of a period, this tends to happen. What I mean by content is not exactly happy and not exactly sad, but somewhere in the middle. However, I’ve been finding myself crying far too much lately and thinking about things that I want to forget.
My antisocial feelings go up and down. A lot of it has to do with not feeling well, because that also goes up and down. I could get up one day feeling great, the next like I got hit by a bus; other times I’d be fine, then have an allergic reaction to who-knows-what. Or stub my feet four times on something, rendering me out of order for a couple of days – because that is the type of shit I’ve been dealing with. I never know how I’m going to feel, I have no one to help me if something happens, and that is really fucking depressing.
And then the cycle continues.
When the depression worsens, so does the anxiety. Keeping active helps, but I have work to do that requires me to sit and think and concentrate, which is a very difficult task when I’m anxious and depressed at the same time. Some days I feel like all I do is wake up, cook, clean, eat, shower, cook, eat, clean, then the day is gone, and it’s time for bed, and the next day it repeats. I get extremely frustrated when I feel I don’t get enough accomplished, which also worsens the depression.
I’ve been feeling lost again, because even though I’ve been working towards and envisioning certain things for years, I see no rewards, no progress in terms of where I want to be, nothing with it. That in itself is both discouraging and depressing. I have been feeling that I have no cheerleaders, no one to talk to, no one to help me with things. I have been and am on my own completely with zero guidance about anything in life. I enjoy being independent, but now that I’m getting older, I’m too fucking tired to do it all on my own. And I feel like life is flying by without actually enjoying it the way I’d like.
What most people “see” about me is online, not in real life; except for this blog, I don’t share many personal things with anyone at all. (My guess would be that less than five people that personally know me actually read this.) The other day I really wanted and needed to talk to someone, but there are certain subjects that other people don’t talk about or wouldn’t understand or be of help. I have friends, but no best friend. It was a lonely realization that I have no one in my life that I can talk to about just anything, the way best friends talk. That is super depressing. Having to use the word lonely is twice as depressing.
Sharing my thoughts here does help, but human interaction is necessary, and I’m not getting it. One of my problems is trusting people, which I don’t. Wanting to continue quarantining from people’s bad energy has kept me home 80% of the time, and some of it has to do with the fear of running into people I don’t want to see. I have to force myself to leave the house just to take things off of my mind, even if it’s only temporary. Typically, leaving the house means running errands or doing some sort of exercise. That’s it. I have almost no social contact with people except maybe two or three times a month. Then I’m exhausted, sucked dry of energy, which is a feeling that I don’t look forward to in the long run. Kind of like a hangover, but of the energy type, and it takes just as long to get over. What I want is to feel refreshed and/or energized when I’m around people, not drained.
To add to this depression is a job situation, because I thought I’d be starting a new one by now, and I haven’t heard a thing. I’ve survived on a few things here and there, but nothing that doesn’t make me worry if I will be able to pay rent on time. That is super depressing, not to mention stressful, and I know damn well that is where a lot of anxiety is coming from. I’m very over the struggle shit, especially being in my 40s and closer to 50. For fuck sakes.
Something else happened recently that really pissed me off. Someone that has very little experience in my field got a position that he is new at and barely worked for, and it was purely because his friend knew the head honcho. I had applied for positions three times, with many more years of experience, and had been given the runaround the first two times and denied the last. To make it even worse is this is someone I’ve written about here, a psycho. Yeah. Not only did the psycho rob me of my energy, he got one of the jobs I wanted and had worked for, so now you can imagine why I was so upset. It only added to the hopelessness and depression, especially during a time when I’m struggling with other things.
Dealing with everything on my own is draining. I am officially drained.