Depression & Relationship with Money
Something has changed within me, and I’m not sure what exactly. Summertime has always been my favorite season, and the beach is a place I normally visit several times a week. I can’t get enough of being outdoors in the sunlight and being active, all of which helps depression. This summer, I’ve been to the beach twice and nowhere else except to ride my bike. Mostly, I stay shut in my house unless I am required to go somewhere. (If you’re wondering what I do in my house, I’m always working on something.) Lately, I’ve even been shutting my blinds, because the amount of privacy I have continues to lessen, and this has skyrocketed my anxiety.
The weather this summer has been cloudier and rainier than usual, which I normally despise. Now, I am welcoming the pouring rains, because it’s the only time I get guaranteed privacy while sitting on my porch. With only the sound of rain instead of barking dogs and man-made noise, its calming, meditational rhythm soothes my nerves. When I’m inside hiding from the outside world, I stream a fireplace Youtube video playing classical music, drink coffee, and pretend I’m somewhere I can’t afford to go right now. All I want to do is work in quiet places, enjoying nature. Why is that too much to ask?
Summer is usually a time my depression is at its lowest, but I can’t say it’s true for this year. I was ill with a stomach virus over the July 4th holiday, although I had no plans to do anything anyway. Social media reminded me of last year’s holiday with someone I haven’t mentioned in a while. I was so fed up with Facebook that I deleted my account, all the pages I manage, and messenger, since I’m sick of the creepy advertising after having a “private” conversation, and I am sick of the way it controls people. I want no part of it; and I suspect soon, it will be a thing of the past.
Around eight months have passed since I slowed down drastically with drinking. I still don’t miss it a bit – the thought of it makes my stomach turn. I’m actually very glad about this, because taking away that temptation makes it easier to stay away. People ask if I miss going out for the musical atmosphere, and although I enjoy it, there are certain places I will probably never step foot in again. I have no desire to be in any drinking atmosphere – especially being sober. Yuck on all levels!
Coming to terms with what alcohol has donated to my life is enlightening. But now I know alcohol isn’t the root of depression, because I have had none. During the stomach flu, I could not take probiotics for a couple of days, and I think that triggered it into the downward spiral again.
I believe a lot of stomach issues have manifested from financial instability, which also increases anxiety. Time and time again, I have attempted to get this under control, but something always sets me back. It makes feel like I’m not supposed to have certain things – nice things, money, my own home in a place I feel safe. Maybe I’m destined to struggle – and fighting it is useless – because that’s how life goes, right? In the past, I had either financial stability or a relationship, but never both at the same time. Today, I have neither. (Please note – the following statements are not threats; these are my raw feelings.) If I had known 20 years ago my life would be where it is today, I think I’d have exited out. Because who at age 28, with all of their hopes and dreams ahead of them, ever thinks in 20 years they’re going to be in this situation? My 28-year-old self would have thought, What a loser!
The past few months have been considerably bad, because I’ve had one one primary source of income – and that hasn’t been reliable. My best client completely flaked on me, sending late payments or none at all after I already sent him the work and several emails about payment, while he’s flying off to Vegas and wherever else. (Some people with money seem to be clueless how important timely payments are to those living hand to mouth!) With only $3.77 in my checking account, I am weighing what few options are available. Since my last month’s rent was paid when I moved in, I am seriously counting down how much longer I will have a roof over my head. I even looked into the cost of storage units today, and I have enough camping gear for short term.
All of this is the shittiest timing, because I finally feel like I’ve been making personal progress. Setbacks like these trigger some issues. The added stress isn’t helping the healing process – for anything; I still have several weeks of physical therapy to attend. In the meantime, I was already feeling ugly when I ended up with a shitty haircut from a chain salon. Now I feel super ugly, and the more I see myself in the mirror, the more I see depression has taken over.
And the vicious cycle of depression goes round and round…