Revisiting an Old Email

I spent the entire week sick. Considering I rarely leave my house and have little contact with people, I don’t know how the hell I managed to celebrate the Fourth of July weekend with a stomach flu. Once that subsided, I received my second Covid shot, which made me ill with flu-like symptoms for two days. Matters didn’t help when social media memories with Biker Guy crept up, which only added to the nausea and headache. I haven’t mentioned his name in a while for a reason I’ll get to another time. (Backstory: Discovering a Betrayal is a Stab to the Heart)

Earlier this week, I found an old email to a friend bitching about Biker Guy. I complained about a lot of the same things with him only three months after we met. Why did I stick with him for so long?

This is the email I sent to my friend shortly after I had a major surgery: 

I already saw the signs, and I know I cannot be more than friends with him, because for one, I’m not physically attracted to him unless I’m shit-faced drunk and feel like having sex. Of course, now I’m not having sex. And our lifestyles are different – I like being active, he likes to work a lot and drink as an activity. He reminds me a lot of Bear in a good sense, but I’m seeing the stuff that reminds me of Bear and every other guy that drinks too much.

He’s really helped me out a lot. I’m still not driving yet but probably will soon. And because I’m still healing and trying to get my body on a schedule and trying to rest enough, I don’t feel like entertaining. I feel like watching something relaxing. But he talks THROUGH everything! Everything! Half of the time I ignore him, because it’s all boring shit about his work, other people, etc. I can’t deal with that even when I am feeling good.

He’s predictable, too. I figured him out pretty quickly. Yesterday he said he was going on a motorcycle ride after work. I knew he was probably at his favorite place, so a few hours later I said, “How’s your favorite place?” and he said, “How did you know I was here? I just got here after taking a 30 mile ride.” I told him he’s predictable.

Afterwards, he came to my house with food, but before he even stepped foot in my house, I could tell he was wasted. The look on his face, he was swaying/wobbling, and his speech was off. It was like 8:30 by then, and I really did not want to deal with a drunk person. I put my food in dishes, and he was trying to eat his straight out of the container, but it was a full container that had liquid dripping, so I said “No! You’re eating out of this!” – and handed him a large bowl. I did not want that shit all over my house. I hate taking care of grown ass men who act that way. I was aggravated and annoyed, because I’m not feeling well.

I said ,”You’re wasted.” 

Of course he denies it and says he’s got a good buzz, had a few beers and shots – of Jack Daniels! Normally, he doesn’t make a mess or at least cleans up after himself, and next thing I know, there’s rice and shit on my table and rug, and he’s holding the bowl at an angle like things are going to spill out. And of course, you can’t argue with a drunk, because everything you say to them they have to defend and pretend they’re sober. I made him clean it up, but half-assed it and he left my kitchen a mess, spilling shit everywhere. I was really not in the mood!

Then he wouldn’t shut the fuck up, had to be right about everything (like Bear) and kept repeating himself, asking me what they said on tv, and I said, “I don’t know, you keep talking over it!”

He was irritating the shit out of me, then said, ”Am I annoying you yet?” 

I said “Yes! You have been, can’t you tell?” 

So he finally got the hint and left. Thank god! But he shouldn’t have been driving/riding either. I haven’t heard from him since. I’m sure he’s feeling pretty shitty today, probably doesn’t even remember what happened.

If alcohol weren’t added to this mix, I would have never been back and forth with Biker Guy for over a year and a half. I would never put up with any of this sober for long (if at all), nor would I have gone back to it after ending it the first time. However, I probably would have put up with it for a short amount of time to “give the nice guy a chance,” because that’s what women are taught. I should have only kept him as a friend or acquaintance, because dating him was a big mistake. My intuition kept telling me to end it with him, and it would have been much easier if he hadn’t played my emotions and sympathy. I also felt a sense of obligation for his help during this time – and this was something he frequently reminded me. 

Reading this old email reminded me that Biker Guy’s drunken behavior was eerily reminiscent of Big Liar. This scared me, because Big Liar is dead from alcoholism, and I wasn’t ready to see that happen to another friend. I recall telling Biker Guy the story about Big Liar, because I was worried he was heading in that direction. 

Even after that incident at my house, I depended on Biker Guy’s help, because I wasn’t able to get around or do certain things. But our relationship had changed. Once I could drive again, he didn’t come around as much – and his attitude was different. He wasn’t the “nice guy” that I first met. His real self began coming out little by little, especially the lies, but I didn’t know it at the time. I still trusted him, because I thought I could. 

However, I felt something was off. 

As usual, I told myself it was just me. 

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