While I was dating Biker Guy the last time, I posted Are you in a disposable relationship? I directed every issue mentioned in that post at him. He was aware of my blog, and when he asked if something was wrong, I told him he might want to do some reading. He assured me it’s not like that at all. Gaslighting.
Many times I felt uncomfortable, and my instinct said to leave Biker Guy. I don’t understand the hold he had on me or why I felt the need to continue something with him. ‘Get rid of him’ were the words I specifically “heard” coming from inside me one night when I was alone at home. Another drunk night at his house (maybe the last one or a week before it), something kept urging me to let him go. Those words rang loud and clear over and over from inside me, and then the television blasted with a woman’s voice. Let him go or let it go. I froze. At first, I thought I was imagining things, but it was eerily real. Something was telling me to leave the relationship; I should have listened sooner.
Biker Guy’s brother left town, and then he was diagnosed with organ failure from alcoholism. It would only be a matter of time (weeks) before Hospice took over. By the holidays, Biker Guy visited his brother and helped take care of him before he passed shortly after. Just like a good girlfriend does, I stood by him concerned, knowing he was super stressed out watching his brother slowly die. We texted and talked frequently. Biker Guy was upset that his dad wasn’t helping and was out at a bar and using a dating app to meet women while he was doing all the work with his brother.
On Christmas week, my intuition kicked in big time. I get these urging feelings I cannot ignore. Something wasn’t right, but I kept telling myself it’s just anxiety. I felt like a woman was involved. Biker Guy is taking care of his brother and couldn’t possibly have the time to be shady. But I hadn’t heard from him, and out of concern, texted him on a Saturday to see how everything was going. He was back in town for his motorcycle meeting. What the fuck? Now I really felt something was up. Who has a four-hour drive and doesn’t bother to tell the woman he’s dating he’s coming back to town? Even if he didn’t have time to see me or wanted to spend time alone, I understand that, but to hide it from me completely felt shady as fuck!
After his meeting, he came over for a short time to see me before heading back to his brother’s. We had sex, and he left right afterwards, which didn’t make me feel very good at all with the anxiety I had. But I knew he had a lot going on. Then I learned he never left town (so much drama). He said he needed sleep and had to go back to work for a few days. But even with all of this going on, something didn’t feel right.
A day later, I awoke at 3 a.m. with an urge I couldn’t ignore. There was something I needed to see, and it wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep. Confused at first, I didn’t know what I was looking for or where to start looking. My gut told me to look at dating sites to find what I needed to see. I didn’t think I was going to see Biker Guy; I thought maybe someone made a fake profile with my photos or something. An hour of looking through familiar mugs from years ago and only two popular dating sites later, I found what I needed to see – Biker Guy’s face with a photo he took of himself from a wedding two months prior. This meant his dating profile was current; this meant he made the profile while we were together. I literally gasped when I saw it.
My chest tightened; I was so hurt that he would do this. How the fuck could he do this in the middle of his brother dying?? I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! My hands shook as I scrolled through his photos and profile description. Biker Guy was looking for “someone to [insert all the things we did together here.]”
What a slap in the face! And what a surprise seeing an actual paragraph with effort – and that pissed me off more than anything, because of how little effort he put into his current relationship! I listened to him bitch and moan about his father doing shady shit, when it was himself all along! I did what he asked by sticking by him during all of his shittiness and issues, and he would actually cheat on me in return? OH, HELL NO! This motherfucker isn’t getting away with this!
When I knew he’d be up for work, I sent Biker Guy a text: I never expected you to cheat on me. He didn’t seem to know what I was talking about until I sent screenshots of his dating profile. Things got super quiet for a while, so I knew he was just cooking up another lie. I even questioned if he was really taking care of his brother, because I didn’t know the truth anymore. Who was worse – Big Liar or Biker Guy? How did I get involved with another complete mind-fuck with twisted lies?
Biker Guy did everything he could to weasel his way out of it, but the proof was literally in black and white. The first excuse was it was an old profile, and he was trying to show his dad how to make a profile. I called him out on that, because of the recent photo. Besides, we’ve been together most of the year when he wasn’t seeing Bangs, so when did he make the profile? He ignored that question and anything relevant. Lying by omission. Biker Guy claimed he didn’t even use the app or talk to anyone or go on any dates. Whatever.
“Interesting,” I said, “because your location showed our city, which means you had that app open when you came back home from your brother’s.”
Biker Guy tried turning it around on me by claiming that I used dating apps, which confused me, because I did prior to meeting him and talked to him about it. There he goes gaslighting again. I didn’t even care what he had to say anymore; I told him I was DONE! Cheaters don’t belong in my life, and neither does anyone so dishonest as Biker Guy. He said he loved me; he was in love with me, blah blah blah. I’ve heard it all before and reminded him that lying to people and attempting to cheat isn’t love. I told him he just wants me until he finds the next woman – and he begged me to stay with him just a month prior because he hadn’t lined up the next one yet. He can’t be alone or without a woman for more than a few weeks, which reminded me of Bear, my ex-husband. Shaking with anger, I sent him many unkind words, because I wasn’t about to let the anger he caused to fester inside me. Fuck him!
I was mad at myself all over again for making stupid choices. After this, there was no going back to Biker Guy and his world of lies and pretentious biker bullshit. Now my holiday plans wouldn’t be as expected, but he ruined all the other holidays, so why not this one? (I kept his gift for myself, and I suspect he never intended to give me anything.) I was becoming a different person by staying away from alcohol, because I could see through all the b.s. so clearly. Biker Guy couldn’t sweet-talk me into anything anymore or trick me, because my guard was not down, and alcohol wasn’t there to relax and ignore my instincts. Besides, I’ve already seen most of his tricks, and now I was a step ahead of his predictable behavior.
A few days later, I received a text that Biker Guy’s brother died and another family member was given a grave diagnosis. I gave him my condolences; I really felt bad for him, but I didn’t want to let my empathy revert to the relationship we used to have. I was still angry at him. It was difficult enough being friends with him, but I kept asking myself what kind of a person I would be to leave someone while his family is dying? Even though he was such a shitty person, I still had feelings for him. He was the one I spent most of my time with for a year and a half, and I cared for him very much. His actions were making it very difficult to love him, but I did anyway.
After the New Year, Biker Guy told me he did a lot of thinking and watched the sunrise that morning. Said he was going to make a lot of changes, especially with drinking, because of watching his brother. I wanted to believe him, but he’s said so many things without acting upon anything. And then he asked me if I wanted to meet him for a beer! Didn’t he just say he didn’t want to drink? I declined the offer, reminding him again that I was not drinking. I wasn’t ready to see him again; I hadn’t seen him since we had sex the week before Christmas, and it would take time to heal.
We kept in touch, mostly me asking about his ill family member. I felt like over time, we might be friends again, but nothing like before. Knowing he’s a man with so many issues that I could never deal with, I know there isn’t a possibility of us ever working out in a relationship. When I’m healing, there are certain things that don’t need to be shoved in my face. Biker Guy posted a public photo of himself with his biker friends. One woman had her hand on his thigh. He was leaning all over her, and it looked a lot like they were going back to someone’s place to fuck. Fucking prick.
I sent him a text asking if he’s dating someone already, because if he is, he should probably tell me, and I won’t contact him again. It pissed me off that he posted a public photo of himself with another woman, because nothing was ever posted with us together in a year and a half.
Was he trying to make me jealous? It definitely hurt my feelings after he told me he loved me. Why the fuck would someone tell me he loves me and then go and do that? Maybe I was a little jealous – not because I wanted him – but because he’s a shithead the and shouldn’t have anyone. This is the type of shit Bear did. Gross. Biker Guy assured me they were only friends joking around. He didn’t want to lose me as a friend, so he would tell me anything, and I somewhat believed him.
A week later, I heard from Biker Guy again; he asked if I wanted to meet for a beer. Again, I told him I am not drinking or going out to bars. (I felt like people didn’t believe me when I told them.) We chatted about miscellaneous things, but my guard was up. The next day, another picture was posted with that same woman tagged at a music event (one that I thankfully did not attend this year!)
I sent him another text: Why would you ask me out for a beer when it’s so obvious you have a new girlfriend? This wasn’t helping my healing process, and I don’t like someone fucking with my head and feelings. The lies exhausted me. He exhausted me. Now I was going to fuck with him right back.
I wonder how she would feel about you asking me out for a beer?
Now Biker Guy’s story changed! He knew there was the possibility I would contact her or someone else to inform her of his shady bullshit – just like when I contacted Bangs. But really, I didn’t give a fuck about what happened between them, because now I knew we could never even be friends again.
His new story: They recently became closer, and he asked me out for a beer to tell me about her.
Bahahahahaha!!!! That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard!
“You asked me to have a beer so you could tell me you’re dating someone else? And how did you think that would turn out? Because it would probably end with the beer in your face.”
He backtracked, saying he wanted to tell me in case I might see them out together; he didn’t want me to be surprised. His lies were so ridiculous that even through my anger, I literally laughed out loud.
And that’s how ‘Last Texts to a Narcissist’ was written.
Free The Burden 