Self-Therapy & Emotional Manipulation
Sometimes during self-therapy writing, emotions come up that I am unaware of. For instance, bringing up Biker Guy caused me to suddenly burst into tears a few times. Each time, it surprised me that anything was still there, because I thought I’ve already moved past it. I’ll take it as a sign that I’m still hurt by his emotional manipulation and abuse.
While searching for something, old text messages surfaced between Biker Guy and I from when he ditched me on the Fourth of July last year. Reading through the messages is cringey. Knowing how calculated his lies were still makes my stomach turn today. What he did was outright cruel – and the fact that I forgave him and continued to see him a month later says something was obviously wrong with me. Even after knowing in my gut to stay away from him, we remained friends and more.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?
A little recap:
Biker Guy initially had the entire holiday weekend off last year. He wouldn’t make an actual plan with me, but we agreed to go to the beach at the last minute and do a cookout at his house. I made a bunch of food at my house and brought it to his. We barely made it to the beach before a thunderstorm. In the meantime, he claimed he could make a really good amount of money fixing a company’s truck, because of the holiday pay. He really needed the money, and this was an excellent opportunity to get his foot in the door with them.
I was pissed, because we barely had any beach time, and he seemed like he was in a hurry to do whatever he “had to” with me and then do whatever else. He fidgeted and seemed anxious, which increased my own anxiety. We barely had any quality time together as it was, and now our only full weekend together was fucked up.
While we were at the beach, Biker Guy was very persistent about having sex, and I wasn’t in the mood. (When you’re pressured into having sex with someone, it’s a chore and sometimes leaves you feeling violated and used. It’s a gross feeling inside to force intimacy when you’re not ready, and it leaves a trail of resentment.) When we got back to his house, he immediately said he had to shower and leave, then basically shoved me out the door. I left and drove home feeling used but told myself to calm down; it’s going to help him financially.
Since it was so late in the day, I couldn’t make alternate plans; everyone already had something going on. I ended up spending the evening by myself watching fireworks at a local park, then going home. Imagine how I felt sitting there by myself watching families, friends, and couples around me.
In the meantime, Biker Guy texted me throughout the night with updates. This is how his story went:
Hopefully it will be an easy fix and with any luck it will not be all night. I’m sorry that I need to go, I have to at least look at it. Please understand I do care about you.
This is going to take a little while here, but I’m pretty sure I know what they missed. Please forgive me, but I had a few slow weeks at work and roommate not paying me. I have bills piling up and could use the cash and getting my foot in the door getting this truck running.
I’m sorry. I need to keep working. I’m sorry for tonight.
(Even though he was working, I felt like something was wrong. I figured he was probably fixing the truck but also drinking and bullshitting around while doing it, so that he was going to be spending the holiday with some guys instead of the woman he’s been dating and just had sex with. I told him I felt like I was just an option to him.)
You’re not an option.
(I sent him some fireworks photos from where I was sitting.)
Looks beautiful. Still working but will have this truck running tonight. I did a good thing getting my foot in the door.
I should be finished in about a half hour or so and then headed home. I will text you tomorrow. Sorry about tonight. I did make double time tonight and that will help.
(I quit responding to him, because I was so pissed. At the same time, I felt guilty about feeling angry. I also felt like I was losing my mind, because I shouldn’t be feeling so upset that he’s working. I kept asking myself why I was the problem. While writing this, it dawned on me that I’ve experienced this same feeling in other relationships. Whoa.)
Late the following morning, Biker Guy texted me. First, I was annoyed, because it was so late in the morning to make plans. Then he told me he crashed his truck because he was drunk. This ultimately ended the entire weekend, because it added on to yet another of his issues to deal with. I went to his house to grab the food I made and told him to get his shit together. He knew I was pissed. He wasted and ruined another holiday weekend with his own bullshit again. I wanted to be done with him then, but he kept begging me to “bear with him,” because of his multitude of problems. And for whatever reason, I felt that I couldn’t abandon someone in a time of need, even against my own good. I told him I was going to “do my thing,” and if he wants to join, then he can.
Four days later, I learned the entire truck story was a complete lie. Biker Guy fixed nothing. He didn’t make a cent. He was in a bar with friends getting shit-faced while I sat alone watching fireworks and reading his “fixing a truck” updates. What a cruel thing to do to someone! In his narcissism, he tells me he cares about me at the beginning of the night knowing he was leaving to meet his friends at the bar. In hindsight, I should have driven back and retrieved the food I made that we never ate. I’m sure he’d have been overdressed to “fix a truck” – and that would have resolved it very quickly without all the crazy lies.
Even though I forgave Biker Guy for some of the things he did, I didn’t forgive him for that incident. He hurt me tremendously by abandoning me (trigger), on a holiday (trigger), and making up a huge intentional lie (not so much a trigger, but familiar). There was no excuse for it. (His excuse was he got scared, which I know now is also total bullshit.)
Self-therapy writing has brought up a lot of issues unrelated to Biker Guy. He’s just a piece of this fucked up puzzle. Although completely different from one another in many ways, I see a lot of crossovers between the men I’ve dated or married. Some of these intersect with the qualities of the men in my life while I was growing up. Men with addictions mirrored what was in my home from the time I was eight to 14. Abandonment issues probably started when I was around 11. And trust issues? Probably as young as a toddler.
I am still exploring these issues that have affected my life profoundly.