Depression, Sobriety, & Rebuilding

Since my last post, a few things have happened.

First, someone finally took notice that my physical issue is beyond what I am being treated for. Without fixing one problem, my other issues will never resolve. I didn’t realize the amount of pain I was in until it was 70% gone for a day or so. I slept two full nights without waking up for the first time in a long time. That makes all the difference in my discomfort level and energy, which elevates my mood.

Working slowly to recover from this injury is my primary goal, because my inability to function a normal daily life has been going on for far too long. Having to do everything myself makes it even more difficult, because there are things I’m not supposed to do (lifting), but I have no choice. That’s how I end up hurting myself again, and round and round. 

For the first time in months, I took myself out to eat and actually sat inside the restaurant instead of doing takeout. I consider this progress. Hardly anyone was there, which made it nice. Too much noise, action, too many people, or being surrounded by too many inanimate objects (i.e. Walmart or a grocery store) makes my brain spin and causes me to want to run and hide. I thought back to other times I felt like this, and I realize I have always been this way. Drinking alcohol used to help me tolerate it.

I thought I would miss the euphoria that alcohol brings, but I don’t. There is nothing I miss about it. Even when I think a cold beer on a hot day sounds amazing, I remember how awful it makes me feel and what it does to my body. Even one. And since I already feel like shit, I certainly don’t need to make it worse by adding alcohol.

This house has been my home longer than any other in my adult life. There are very few days I enjoy being at home, because my neighborhood sounds more like a city and construction zone than the quiet town it was when I moved in 7 1/2 years ago. Now that I’ve been working from home 100%, it’s very disturbing. When I cannot sleep, sometimes I sit on my porch and listen to a steady flow of traffic at 3 a.m. That was unheard of here before, and it won’t be getting better. It’s important for me to feel safe and comfortable where I live, so it’s time to move on.

Whenever I leave the house, which is rare, I am reminded of all the reasons I need a fresh start. And I remember why I signed up for the military when I was 17. This was and still is a dead-end place. Even with all the recent development, the job scene is weak, low-paying, and only offers things that don’t apply to my lifestyle or beliefs. It’s become a drunk, douchey tourist trap. Having already lived in a place like that, it didn’t fit into my lifestyle when I left – and still doesn’t. The entire mentality of the area doesn’t fit how I envision my future.  

Now that I’m rebuilding my spiritual energy, I remember that this place is not at all a place for me to grow. I always felt stunted here, like I could only go so far and nothing more. Something is lacking in the energy here – always has. Everything is becoming too commercialized and fake for me, which makes it ugly. I’ve already lived in South Florida and wouldn’t ever go back, but now the rest is becoming a lot like it. When things become all about money, the area is doomed for regular working people and the environment.

I’m ready for a better quality of life, an upgrade – even if it means leaving the state. In the past, I always felt something was better for me outside of my hometown – and there was.I haven’t felt that way in years, but now I am starting to again. This is a good thing. This means the real me is coming back. I feel like I deserve something bigger and better than what I’ve been handed, and the setbacks here need to get the fuck out of my life. Without being able to travel in nearly two years to explore, I don’t know where I want to go next. Hopefully, an awesome opportunity will take me to my next journey. 

Every time I leave my house, I am reminded that I have no good memories here. Some guy stared me down in the Publix parking lot about a week ago. As I was putting groceries in my car, he wouldn’t stop staring. I was a little creeped out. I didn’t think he looked familiar until he got to his vehicle and realized he was a teacher I may have made out with when I was drunk one night. I don’t remember much, but I do remember that I didn’t like him. He eventually got fired from his job, but I can’t remember why. Once I realized who he was, I threw my groceries in the car as fast as I could and took off before he could follow me. 

It’s not just seeing certain people but hoping you never run into them again, because they were creepy or assholes. Recently, Insta-Psycho (who doesn’t follow me) viewed my Instagram story. (If you’re unfamiliar with Instagram, you can post a picture or short video that lasts for 24 hours; and it shows you who viewed it.) Deciding I want nothing to do with him and his creepiness, I blocked him. Days later, he viewed another page, so I blocked him on it. Fuck his creepy energy!

The other day, I received a somewhat surprising message. On my Instagram story, I had a photo of my child and me from several years ago. The message was the fire “hot” emoji reaction from none other than Biker Guy. What nerve. Go figure he didn’t even respond like that when we were dating! It’s been silence since I told him to lose my number back in March or April. I had a feeling I might hear from him again, because it’s about the 3-month window when he tries to come back in my life. I didn’t respond, and I haven’t heard another peep, but I don’t expect it to be the last time I hear from him. One of many other reasons I need to get the hell out of this town and make good memories.