Sick of Being Sick

Not much has happened since my last post, including seeing a specialist about whatever condition I have. I still haven’t left my house, eating minimally, and symptoms come and go except for the stabbing back and rib pain. Some days are better than others. A couple of days I managed to clean my house and do laundry in the same day, but that was a special condition. Any physical activity is accompanied with extreme fatigue afterwards. 

Now I am two weeks and two days since my ER visit, and I’m unsure whether my doctor sent the referral or not, since she doesn’t communicate. I was forced to see Dr. Moodswitch after the ER visit, because it’s a VA policy in order for her to write the referral to the specialist. This is something I was not happy about at all, and I expressed my concerns to the nurse. “I was just in her office, and she’s the one that told me to go to the ER. Why am I having to go back and forth? I feel like this is wasting my time. She treated me horribly before, and I really don’t want to see her again.” She said it can take a few weeks to get assigned a new doctor, so I can either wait or see Dr. Moodswitch. I couldn’t believe this system would force me to face this horrible doctor again in order to receive the medical care I needed weeks ago. 

When I arrived, the vibes told me something was up. In her notes from my phone call, the nurse had told Dr. Moodswitch that I wasn’t happy and wanted to change providers. This time, I spent 20 awkward minutes in her office, where Dr. Moodswitch acted like a fake-nice person and was on her best fake behavior. The first ten minutes were spent going over all of my symptoms, not even going over all of my family history, which is a really important part of this. In hindsight, she did not ask the types of questions a doctor should ask. Some of the symptoms I complained about previously she claimed I had not told her (this was during the visit when she was shushing me and not allowing me to speak). But since my bloodwork and CT scans came back fine, I don’t think she’s taking me seriously. 

The next ten minutes in Dr. Moodswitch’s office consisted of her poor attempt to cover her ass.  You know when someone is full of shit when they never shut up, especially when they talk about themselves. The more she talked, the more I wanted the fuck out of there, because she was so arrogant and started gaslighting everything the nurse told her I said. She explained that when I ask questions about something on my tests, “those are medical terms for the doctor to know,” – not for me – “because that is why [she] went to medical school for so many years.” (Because, you know, I don’t deserve to know what’s going on with my body.) And she continued talking at me about herself, explaining her job, saying they get people angry at them all the day, but there’s no reason to complain or cuss about the work they do. 

I wasn’t there to listen about her job; I was there, because I am sick and need help. And if I have a complaint about a horrible doctor like her, I’m going to let it be known. Fuck her for trying to manipulate me. She didn’t bother to take the time to take me seriously at the beginning of August, and now it is the middle of September, but her self-importance trumps my medical needs. 

I sat there and said nothing. NOTHING. (Wearing a mask helped to hide my expressions, however.) I wasn’t about to get into an argument with a narcissist in authority that would ultimately turn it on me and fuck with my life. I’ve been that route before, and I don’t have the energy for it. Getting the farthest away from her is the only solution. During this entire doctor-patient relationship, not once did she apologize or even suggest that there was a mixup in communication or anything that happens with emails. She gave no reasoning at all; she only insisted she was smarter than me and was doing her job. Not once did Dr. Moodswitch ever take accountability for anything she did or didn’t do – or even the possibility of it. But I’m pretty sure she knew I was onto her. 

Dr. Moodswitch’s self-righteous speech had an agenda of its own. It was a prelude to her handing me the form to change providers. She spent another couple of minutes repeating herself about signing it and where to take it. I could tell she was looking for a reaction from me, but I wasn’t going to let her have it. Finally, I grabbed my things to leave, because now she was really wasting my time. There was no other point for me to be there if my medical issues were no longer being addressed. 

As I walked out of her office, Dr. Moodswitch reminded me again to take the form to the nurse’s station. All I said was, “Mmm-hmmm.” Then she opened the door and pointed where to go, as if she wanted nothing more than for me to get this transfer. 

Hungry, tired, sick, and silently pissed off, all I wanted was to go home. Passing the nurse’s station, I went to get bloodwork and never filled out the transfer form. (I plan to mail it.) There needed to be a reason listed for the transfer, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to put, since this is a record with my name on it. Simply putting, “I don’t trust this doctor,” should work. Or maybe, “I don’t know who I’m going to be seeing – Dr. Jeckyll or Ms. Hyde.” 

The other day, I received an email notification for a prescription. Since I hadn’t ordered anything or discussed additional medications with the doctor, I was puzzled. Dr. Moodswitch sent nausea medication. That was nice of her, I thought for a minute. But why didn’t she communicate anything? I have never had any doctor refuse communication, so I find this entire situation very strange. However, I don’t know she put the order in for the specialist, because they haven’t called to schedule an appointment yet. 

In the meantime, the specialist requires me to be on Prilosec before the appointment. At first, it seemed to help with swelling, but now it doesn’t seem to be doing much except giving me side effects. During the first week taking the medication, one or two days I felt great. I still had side/rib/back pain, but my mood was lifted and I felt high, even euphoric throughout the day. It was almost like a took a big dose of an anti-depressant or other mood-altering drug. I noticed my pupils were huge also. This weird sensation in my chest, like a tingling (I now realize is Prilosec doing something) and a surge of energy, a rush. I hadn’t felt that well in a very long time. So what did I do? I moved the furniture around in my room and cleaned. (It looks amazing.)

The following day, I didn’t feel well again, and I haven’t felt that euphoria since. Whatever this is has been so unpredictable. Some days, I wake up feeling fine until I eat. I get nausea after eating or drinking, whether or not I take Prilosec, I still have pain, and I cough after I eat or drink. Water tastes terrible to me, almost bitter, and also causes nausea. I feel that the medication helped alleviate some of the pain from swelling, but it seemed to also help spread it out to areas I didn’t notice pain before. I have different symptoms every single day, and it’s frustrating trying to explain this when I’m asked what my symptoms are. The only consistent part is the rib/back pain. Everything else comes and goes. 

One day I could eat a meal that doesn’t bother me, but the next day it does. A salad caused a lot of pain one day. Soup caused it another, but not the next or the week prior. None of it makes sense to me, which is why it’s so frustrating. Even more frustrating is having to wait so long to get the help I need and wondering if it’s actually coming. My instinct says they are missing something.