Nice Guys Aren’t Always Nice
A few people that know me personally but haven’t seen me in years and read my blog have expressed to me in the past that I need to stop going after “bad boys.” I found their comments odd, because I don’t date bad boys and never have. Are they visualizing me with some bad-boy biker or some other “cool” bad-boy James Dean type? Because that isn’t my type at all. Yuck. I’m not attracted to the bad-boy lifestyle. Most are smokers or have other bad habits that are dealbreakers. Most bad boys have an education from the “school of hard knocks” (aka jail), and that does not interest me whatsoever. In fact, anyone with a criminal record has no place in my life. Therefore, I do not date bad boys; I dated nice guys.
The men I have written about here weren’t the bad-boy types at all. (Okay, one exception: toxic relationship with a guy half my age who robbed a bank.) By the end of writing Dating a Nice Guy, I noticed dating nice guys is a lifetime pattern for me. The men I’ve dated and married were all average American guys with average jobs and average (or below) incomes, average personalities, plain and average-looking, and below-average chemistry. They did not have criminal records. They were all “nice guys,” I suppose by society’s standards, but what does that even mean?
Nice are the guys that hold the door open for you, pick up the tab, and tell you how beautiful you are? Having charm and manners doesn’t make someone a nice guy. Those qualities are often used to manipulate and deceive women. Suppose a nice guy that finds you attractive offers to help you do something, maybe transport some furniture in his truck, since it won’t fit in your car. He offers to do some other thing you need around the house. You think nothing of it, that he’s just being a nice guy friend.
Real life isn’t Disney’s ‘nice guy’ fairytale with a happy ending.
Since he was such a nice guy and did you a favor that you never even asked for, he feels you owe him for being so nice. He expects you to be attracted to and date him, just for being a nice guy. The red flags are now all there, and eventually, the nice guy oversteps his boundaries, proving he’s not a nice guy at all.
In situations and relationships with nice guys, they are nice guys – until they are not.
If you have ever been in a relationship with a “nice guy,” this will resonate with you. Many nice guys use their niceness to mask their need for control, which often leads to abusive and toxic relationships. With control, comes manipulation, because that’s how they gain control. Their need to control in a relationship is a direct result of their own lack of it.
I have compiled a list of posts I’ve written about these seemingly nice guys that turned to be not-so-nice, after all. These not-so-nice stories come from my experiences with male friendships, relationships, and online dating situations. Most of these occurred over a 7-year span of singledom. I still have plenty more to write about, too!
Apparently, nice guys that turn out to be not so nice isn’t as popular as why women should date nice guys. Imagine that.
A google search of the term “dating nice guys” only provided less than a handful of nice guys gone bad articles. This was the best article until the end where it suggests the “nice guy” change his lifestyle for a woman he wants: Sinister Logic Behind ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’ Explained By Psychologists.
Upon further digging, I found these great articles with the google term “nice guy not so nice”:
I’m a Nice Guy: Sareytales and The Art of Online Dating