I started writing this last week:
Most physical activity is a catalyst, which sucks, because I cannot get the exercise I need. Doing simple yoga stretches triggers painful spasms, so I sit and cry, because I don’t know if I will ever be able to do normal things again.
I feel like my quality of life has no chance in hell of getting better. Coupled with an immune deficiency, I’m worried that if I do have MS, infections will trigger symptoms or make them worse. A common cold will spiral everything else, and anything worse than that could potentially kill me. What I’m really afraid of is being unable to walk at all or becoming dependent on others, being at the mercy of someone else. This is what I would consider living in hell, the worst of my fears.
Knowing what I already do, I am trying to mentally prepare myself for really shitty news. Every single day, I consume myself with thoughts of being unable to care for myself in the future. Already an issue, I’m hanging by a string financially. I am so far in the red, unless something fantastically lucky happens, there will be no financial recovery in this lifetime. I’ll be lucky to keep a roof over my head for the next few months or next year, because I cannot take on more work.
As of this writing, I still have no answers, but I finally have an appointment with a neurologist. It took six weeks just to get the call to get on the calendar, and now I have to wait until February for a video consultation. The doctor will determine which tests I need, so now I’m looking at not having any answers until at least next spring. I truly see no light in my future, because I feel other medical conditions are going to make it worse.
I still feel deep within that what I have is MS. My left side is still weak; its intensity intermittently changing from a constant 2 weakness/numbness up to a 6 or 7. It’s hard to explain, but when the pain is past 3, I feel like I’m “pulling” my left side with my right, I’m finding my left hand in some weird positions when the tightening is happening. This doesn’t necessarily last all day, but it can. I’ve also been experiencing dizziness that comes as quickly as it goes, and I caught myself tripping again a few times in the past couple of weeks, even after acupuncture. I’ve also been experiencing a brain fog of sorts that I’m unsure I can explain. One minute, I can type a complete sentence, and the next, I can barely comprehend what I’ve just written, and everything around me is confusing. Too much noise is super confusing and feels like it’s literally jabbing my nerves. Certain sitting positions cause more numbing and pain, and standing for more than 20 to 30 minutes is still painful. Bending of any sort causes spasms, but I pushed through some of it the other day, which made it worse.
Last week, I started acupuncture, which has been very helpful with mobility, spasms, and numbness. I feel better energetically right now than I have since June or July, and I can move better than I’ve been able to in months. I’m still unsure what my body is going to do next, so I’m still not comfortable with regular physical activity or walking far. For now, I’m taking it slowly and sticking with friends in case something weird happens. Doing anything physical, like housework, still exhausts me.
Since starting acupuncture, besides errands and appointments, I finally got some fresh beach air without running into anyone I never care to see again – which was in itself refreshing.