(**Note: Parts of this were written on different days, and I pasted it as one.)
Everything is weird to me, like this big invisible thing I can’t explain opened up and allowed me to see that life isn’t at all what I ever thought it to be. Being sick the past year has changed my perspective on things, and it cannot be changed back. I feel like life is one big disappointment. No matter how many positive-thinking, meditation, self-help, and breathing techniques, etc., some things are just beyond our control. In my case, it’s everything, so I have to breathe and be numb.
I feel fucking cheated.
I’ve worked for things that will never happen or have been unfairly taken away from me. I have to fight for things I already earned and paid for, and I will continue to repeat how furious this makes me – until it doesn’t. Hours upon hours of hard work and good intentions… just … poof. Everything I’ve ever done feels pointless, because someone or something will always take it away or destroy it.
Many things that bring me joy have been taken away. Things I looked forward to are gone. Most hope for any kind of decent future is gone. With little to be hopeful or joyful about, the smallest things, even a slight comment, can be a real blow to your day – and it’s really depressing!!
Not necessarily a part of my life, but a part of my monthly reading, one of my favorite bloggers made my disappointment list recently. I learned she lifted another person’s words verbatim and pasted it into her own article without giving the original author credit. While I was reading a very interesting article, I noticed the writing style and tone had shifted in her paragraph flow, which is how I used to catch students cheating. After a little research, I discovered she lifted content from different places more than once. I was crushed, because I have followed her for years, respected the quality of her blog and loved her the content. I even sent her an email once telling her how much I loved her website and used it as a reference in my writing. Now I’m finding myself uninterested in her newsletters and new content, because who knows where it originates? Even though the content seems good, I don’t support cheating or stealing other people’s work. What an emotional blow!
Right now I am feeling somewhat numb.
I realize I’m really not going to get better. Symptoms may come and go, but I will have them for the rest of my life. And now I think this virus has caused something else, because the side of my left ribcage doesn’t warp for no reason.
Oh yeah, the virus. Although I was never diagnosed, apparently, I had mono as a kid. The Epstein-Barr virus is known to cause all sorts of issues, much like the ones I am having. I tested negative for the active virus, but high positive antibodies of having it in the past. This could be contributing to some of my issues.
Now I need to find someone level-headed that I can rely on who also has interest in my well-being to make medical decisions for me when things start to really go downhill. I don’t want to wind up in a situation in which I’m helpless and at the mercy of people that don’t give a shit about me. One comment from the person that I currently have in charge made me realize I am just a burden, and that person only wants to be around for the fun stuff, not the real-life stuff.
It’s a real disappointment when the people that are supposed to be there for you the most, aren’t. This isn’t something I ever expected I’d have to worry about, at least not this early in life. And it’s not something I’ve given much thought about, but now I have to make a decision, and I don’t know what to do. This has been weighing on me emotionally and has caused a lot of unneeded stress.
I haven’t been able to unload my stress the way I need to. There are only a few people who understand my dilemma, because they’re also in a similar situation. I have a VA counselor to talk to once a month, but she ends up spending a lot of time talking, relating her own stories to mine but taking twice the amount of time to tell them, and I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. And it ends with me still having all of this pent up shit inside.
On top of everything else, some people have crossed boundaries by contacting people that don’t deserve to know about my personal life without bothering to ask me how it would make me feel. Sometimes people think they’re helping, when in reality, they’re only doing what they think is best and not what we want for ourselves, which is extremely selfish.
Someone went out of their way to contact my ex-husband when my cat died. I was furious, because not only is nothing about my life his business, but he’s never taken any interest in the cat in
seven eight years or bothered to contact me when he put the dog down last year. There was no need to contact him at all – for any reason! And this is the second time in the past year this person went out of their way to mention me to him. Fucking maddening!!!
It only gets better.
A person in my family that doesn’t know how to mind her own fucking business or boundaries contacted my father to tell him about my health issues, and now he wants to know if it’s okay to call me. I ignored her messages. My father hasn’t spoken to me since 2003. I literally cannot deal with this type of ignorance. Emotionally, I cannot deal with any type of stress with these health issues. I have heart-related tests scheduled, and I’m wearing a heart monitor for 14 days, for chrissakes.
Even though I live alone and don’t leave my house except for medical appointments and short errands, people are bringing uninvited drama to me. Fuck that. Anyone causing me stress while I’m in my worst condition ever can kiss my ass. I am blocking and not replying to anyone that makes me feel worse. Blood relative or not, they need to know their place.
If I had applied these principles thirty years ago, I’d probably be in better shape.
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