Weekly Meltdowns over a Broken System

It seems that every single week I’ve had to deal with some absolute bullshit that I shouldn’t. And each time, I’m getting closer and closer to winding up in a psych unit, because I cannot deal with the stupidity of the system on my own. 

Over and over and over again, I have asked for help. I am doing my best to help myself, but I can only do so much. I need help dealing with the shit that throws me into mental confusion and frustration – like every single day someone doesn’t do their job, and it’s fucking with my life, and I have zero control over it. So… I’m about to lose that fucking control while asking, “Can you hear me now, motherfuckers???!!!!”

While going thru my recent medical files, I noticed there was a letter I’d never seen before. The letter denied additional acupuncture treatments until I see a VA provider, because of a new VA policy. No one bothered to inform me it was denied or tell me what the policy is, or to say which VA provider I needed to see. Naturally, I was pissed off that another thing was denied that was helping me. No acupuncture or pain management at all, except for what I can do for myself. 

Still no B-12 shots either, which I’ve discussed with my new doctor twice. I’m sure my levels have plummeted by now. Although, I did find a very flavorful cereal high in vitamins, including B-12….. Fruity Pebbles, which is something I would never normally eat, but I have absolutely no pleasure in life. So fuck it!!!

In March, I applied for food stamps – something I should have done long ago. I’m really struggling here, and in my mind, this should bring some relief. (It will be nice to eat more than soup and cereal.) So far, relief hasn’t even been close. 

The Florida case rep has never once made contact with me during my scheduled times, and I always end up talking to different people after calling and sitting on hold for hours. The woman  to write a self-employment calendar with the dates/amounts/hours. So I listed everything in chronological order and sent it in. The caseworker, who never picks up her phone, denied me for not sending in a work calendar. What the fuck is she talking about??? 

I was so frustrated, because of the time it took to do all of the paperwork when I’m not feeling well and no one will or can help me. The caseworker doesn’t pick up her phone, and the voicemail is always full. I called 25 times in a two-hour period during my scheduled time, and she was unavailable. If I didn’t speak to someone, I would be denied for missing my appointment. Does this make any sense? I ended up having to call another number and listen to the three minutes of recording before I can even press a button. 

The time it took to get into my account and figure it out lasted hours, because there was already an account and no one merged them together. I spent several minutes on the phone with a different rep explaining my situation, how I’m having difficulty doing this kind of thing, because of my health conditions. So instead of my assigned rep working with me, I was given no explanation, no phone call to try to speak to me as a human being instead of a random name on her computer. Just a fucking denial. 

I wanted to kick her in the crotch. 

Meltdown time. I figured I’d give up, because what is the fucking point? Everything I do is a waste of time, and I don’t want to spend what little energy I have on this madness. I get denied for everything, even though I definitely qualify. The system is so damn broken, and I feel so defeated; it makes me not want to try anymore.

After a couple days of melting down, crying and yelling and throwing shit, I decided I felt better and was willing to try again. This time, I sat on hold for nearly three hours. I literally showered, shaved, washed my hair, got dressed, and was sitting in a pharmacy when someone finally picked up. 

I explained to her my situation, and when she looked at the work calendar I submitted, she said it wasn’t a work calendar; I had only submitted a list. Yes, that is correct. I submitted a LIST calendar, which apparently @MyFLFamilies has never heard of. She said I must submit a “work calendar” (on a regular calendar with squares).  I was really confused, because WTF is the difference?!!! I was denied over this??? Come on!!!

I could feel myself starting to sweat, because I couldn’t believe my ears over the bureaucracy to apply for food when I am having such difficulty. “Let me get this straight. I take the information that I wrote as a list calendar, and I go to the store and get a regular calendar and write it on there instead?” 

“You don’t have to buy one. You can draw it.” 

Oh. My. God. 

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. If I hadn’t been sitting in public, I would have maniacally laughed over the phone to show her how crazy this has made me. What a fucking joke this country has become. I sent the information they asked for – on an actual printed calendar with squares this time, just in case I fucked up a square doing it by hand. Still waiting for results. 

Last week, I had an echocardiogram, and was told I’d have the results by last Friday. At my appointment, I was completely out of breath walking from the parking lot to the VA facility, which isn’t far at all. I should never have been out of breath over that tiny walk. This is really worrisome to me, because I’m losing weight still, very little appetite, but at the same time, I am starving!!! I am currently below my high school graduation weight, and I don’t know what to think. 

During the echocardiogram, something flashed in my mind, and it suddenly made me really sad. I don’t know if that would affect the outcome, but the vibe of the tech seemed to change… like he saw something. I don’t know. Maybe it was my imagination. It seems like it’s all I have left. 

Since I am able to log into the system to see my test results, I expected to see them by Friday, as promised. Nothing over the weekend, nothing Monday or Tuesday, or Wednesday. They are nowhere to be found in my files, which is unusual – unless there was a screwup, which is not unusual. I emailed my doctor today, so I hope to hear something tomorrow. 

Maybe it’s not my imagination. 

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