death

Final Goodbyes

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Since I last posted, each day has been a litany of emotions. Today has also been one of those days, because I witnessed a family member on her deathbed, and I am angry of the amount of undeserved suffering she’s had in this life while shithead people have not. With this event comes the knowing that I will probably see my father in the very near future, which is something I’m unsure I’m ready to deal with. But hey, it’s 2020, the most fucked up year in modern life, right?

(In the middle of all of this, I started training for new job that I found out I won’t have in two more months, a job that I’d been waiting on for several months, so this was unneeded stress, as well.)

The last time I posted, I briefly mentioned about people starting drama. Same people are also the type that constantly say they “don’t do drama” and even post it on their social media as if to prove it. Actions and words never seem to match with some, however, do they? This is probably the last time I will mention Biker Guy, and now I have a name for his female friend that he used to date – Bangs – (because a friend of mine said she needed bangs to cover her big forehead).

Bangs and I were chatting every so often about Biker Guy’s downward spiral that he’s supposedly “working on”, about men and dating in general, and miscellaneous things. I was busy last week and didn’t do much chatting, was minding my own business and clearing my head for the new job training. Suddenly, I got a text from Bangs with an unflattering selfie saying, “hey girl,” which I thought was really unusual, because she’s never sent me photos or spoken to me like we were best buddies.

In her photo, I could tell Bangs was on a boat and appeared drunk, so I asked if she was on a date. Her reply was to send me a photo of her and some kids and Biker Guy. I was like what the fuck??!! I asked her what this was all about and why did she send that to me?  She replied with a short video of herself and Biker Guy sitting close and eating in a restaurant. She looked wasted as hell, burped at the camera (someone else was taking the video). Of course, in my mind (also in the minds of everyone else that I showed it to), by the way everything was sent, it seemed like Bangs was rubbing in my face that she was with him and not me. Then she said they are together only as friends. Then she said “he’s a dick.” In the meantime, I was driving home in a storm during all of this and about wrecked my car. I was SO upset, I was shaking. Why in the fuck did she send me all of that???

Here I am minding my own business and trying to heal and move on with my life, so why was that necessary? I kept asking Bangs why, what was the point, what was she getting out of that, but I wasn’t exactly getting answers. I told her what a shitty thing she did, and when she sobers up she will realize what a shitty thing she did to a person that is already hurting and didn’t deserve that. Then I told her that I think they really do like each other, because if he’s such a dick, why do they spend so much time together? I took a screenshot of her messages, posted and tagged her on Facebook, and it stayed on her page for everyone to see for probably about 20 minutes. I ended it by telling Bangs they both deserve each other. And then I blocked that trainwreck.

I was DONE. I do NOT play games like that. Talk about drama! Then I texted Biker Guy, asked why in the hell they would start this drama, called him some names (specifically, a cocksucking motherfucker), said they deserved each other, said they could both rot in hell (except that I was voice texting and it came out “rotten hell” lmao), and then I blocked his stupid, shitty lying ass, so I have no idea if he bothered responding. (He’s a pussy, so doubtful.)

The entire incident made me wonder if they were both playing games the entire time and lying to me, if they were really more than friends the entire time, if he likes it when she’s drunk because maybe she’s easy and not “just friends” and well – he bangs Bangs – and if she was telling him everything I said to her (not that it mattered). I felt like I’d been played by two people, and it opened up something I hadn’t seen before: White trash, low class can kiss my ass!

Seriously, they can have each other! The entire incident was such a turn-off spiritually. I want no part of people that are spiritually dead and find entertainment in hurting others. It completely astounded me that a 50-year-old woman with grandchildren would play high school games like that, especially without probable cause. I really don’t think I have ever had that happen in my entire adult life. It really screwed up my night, because I barely slept at all and had to go to job training the following day. Not to mention, I am healing from all of this mess, so to have someone come in and throw a wrench probably took a toll on my immune system once again. I have been exhausted and not sleeping well as it is and realize I’m going through the grief process all over again. Breakups suck, and this added stress was total bullshit!

The only thing good that came out of this was realizing that I have been dating well below what I should be, and I need to stop being nice to everyone just because I was taught to be. Fuck that. It’s time to be nice to myself for once! Social distancing at its finest!

A Year in Review – Sickness, Death, Grief, & Being Alone

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The other day I was thinking that a year ago I had a lot of things going on. I started out house sitting for a friend at an amazing beachside location, but ended up getting the flu that eventually turned into pneumonia. It took about three months to feel normal again. In the meantime, I had started a new job in home health care and had been on a few dates with Mr. Mixed Messages that turned out to be quite the douchebag. I was also still distraught over Orange Crush, and internally, I was a huge emotional train wreck – which I am pretty certain was part of the reason I ended up so sick.

My fevers ran so high I think I actually lost a lot of memory from that time period, because the next thing I knew, it was April. During that time, one of my childhood friends was murdered by her ex-husband in a really horrific way. Today marks the one-year anniversary. And it didn’t even dawn on me until around September that one of my other childhood friends had passed away unexpectedly during that feverish time; it was then that I actually grieved about it. I couldn’t believe that I had “forgotten” about it until I went through my phone contacts and saw his name. A few others that influenced my life also passed in 2018. And then the client I was taking care of suddenly went into decline and passed away last summer. I just couldn’t deal with that type of job anymore, so I didn’t go back to it.

Throughout the year, I revamped some of the friends I had been hanging around – particularly those that seemed interested in my business, yet weren’t around to lend a helping hand when I needed it. There was one friend in particular that I thought I was close with, but she suddenly stopped speaking to me, and I didn’t know why. I finally confronted her, and one of her reasons was when I had picked up my newest job, some of the people I worked with knew her ex (I didn’t), and she just didn’t want to run the risk of running into him. Huh??? How is that my fault? I wasn’t even hanging around the people I worked with; I just simply worked there. Another reason was because when she’d asked me for an asthma inhaler, I had gone out of my way to bring her an extra one I had. However, I had no idea it had run out; obviously, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to bring her something she couldn’t use. I guess she ended up in the ER that day… and she blamed it on me. Wow. Her excuses really pissed me off, but I realized I didn’t need anyone so fucking selfish in my life anyway.

I was alone a lot last year. I didn’t necessarily want to be alone, because with my home health care job it was like being alone most of the time, and when I was sick I was alone. Being alone doesn’t bother me, but it’s not exactly healthy to be alone that much. I started kayaking alone again, even going back to the same spot that I had fond memories of with OC. In a way I guess it was therapeutic, because I wasn’t going to let the memory of him ruin my little sanctuary… but at the same time it made me both sad and angry. I guess I was still grieving.

By the end of the year, I decided to try dating sites again, because I didn’t want to be alone. What a mistake that was. (If you’ve been reading my blog, you already know this.) I decided that being alone wasn’t so bad, and now I am just used to being alone. Now I am using this time to write, do art, take classes, kayak, read, and catch up on all of the things I’ve been either avoiding or procrastinating.

While it would be nice to have a partner (it would also be nice to have sex!), I’m just going to settle for dating myself from now on. At least I know how to entertain myself… and not pee on the toilet seat.

A Long Time Coming

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It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. So many ups and downs and a considerable amount of losses have kept me from being myself and distracted me from my writing passion. My current plan is to attempt to blog as much as I possibly can in memoir style about my adult life, as opposed to everything else I’ve written here. The problem is, every time I’ve been planning this over the past couple of years, something has come up to prevent it. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen again.

So far, this year hasn’t been so nice. Well, neither have the prior years, but I’m not getting any younger. Seems to be way more downs than ups, rejections, 180s, you name it. A person can only take so much.

As of right now I’ve been sick for a month; I’m recovering from a bout of pneumonia after having had the 2018 flu. As soon as I’m recovered, I have to catch up on things like getting my car fixed that someone thought it was okay to hit in a parking lot and leave. Over the past year and a half I’ve dealt with too many deaths to count, including having to put down one of my beloved pets of 15 years. I fell in love for the first time in over a decade and got my heart broken to pieces. I’m still wounded from that and doing my best to move on.

I suppose that one of the best things, if you can call it that, about being sick is that you can truly tell who your friends are and who really gives a shit about you. When people you’re used to seeing weekly or more don’t even bother to ask how you are doing, those are not friends. When someone asks what you need, those are friends. When someone actually goes to the store and gets you water and food to eat, those are amazing friends, and those are the type of people I want in my life.

I have said this before, yet still always managed to find it anyway, but I do not have room for bullshit in my life. I just want to be happy and loved and enjoy what time I do have left on this miserable planet.

 

What Divorce Can Do To a Woman

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broken-heart-shapeI’ve been going through a lot of emotional bullshit lately. Even though it’s been final for eight months, divorce is like dealing with death. It’s a series of grief processes. I’m up one minute, down the next. I try to keep telling myself this is good, everything will be okay, but then I sober up and feel the pain again.

I try to keep myself laughing by looking at cute and funny things – things like comedy shows and cute kitten videos. And then I start missing the animals I had to leave behind. My dog. My cat. I feel as if I’ve abandoned my children. They were my babies. I know they are left alone quite often; they used to be with me almost 24/7, because I worked at home the majority of the time. I find myself bawling at the thought of never seeing them again.

I laugh one minute, cry the next. It’s a fucked up rollercoaster.

Divorce can destroy a woman’s heart forever – make her never want to open up to another man again. It can make her feel unloved, unappreciated, unattractive, and underestimated. It can cause her never to trust again.

Divorce can force a woman to seek others that give her the attention she yearns, but not always the right type of attention, and often attention that turns into more hurt. It can make her question her ability to satisfy a man. It can make her wonder will she ever be good enough – for anyone?

Divorce can make a woman cold, cause a void that can never be filled.

I used to be such a loving, caring person.

I’m not that person anymore.

I can never and will never be someone’s wife ever again.

Lost in Depression

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The other day I saw a familiar face in the local obituaries. It was someone I hadn’t seen in about 18 or so years that I had briefly dated (I’ll call him “Fred”). Fred was only 39, and when I  learned that he’d committed suicide, my heart ached for his loved ones and for Fred’s soul. What happened to Fred during those years in between I remember him being a happy person and now? What happened in his life that made it so unbearable that he felt ending it was the only option?

I’m sure that Fred’s surviving loved ones are asking themselves what they could have done differently. Even if things were done differently, would it have mattered to someone who is lost in depression?

Remembering Whitney Houston as a Teen

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The news of Whitney Houston’s death tonight was very sad for many of us, especially those of us that grew up listening to her music.

I was in junior high school the first time I heard Whitney Houston. She was new to the pop music industry and probably the only popular singer at the time that undoubtedly had the voice of an angel. She had the perfect skin that girls of all colors dreamed of having, and to the relief of many parents, Whitney was a role model with dignity, class, and innocence.

I can’t remember how many times I belted out “Greatest Love of All” using my hairbrush as a microphone, but I do recall that no matter when I turned on the radio, the song would play on at least one of three stations within the hour. My favorite song and video of all by Whitney Houston has to be “How Will I Know?” because it’s such a fun song to sing and dance to. That’s how most of us remember Whitney – spunky and cute, still rocking out with those bright eyeshadow colors from the 80s.

Whitney’s battle with addiction ultimately became her downward spiral. It’s unfortunate that bright lights burn quickly, but Whitney Houston’s voice will forever live in our hearts.

Obituary Comment – I’m Glad You’re Dead?

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I read Marcus’s father’s obit in the paper today. I can’t believe that miserable son of a bitch lived as long as he did. He had cancer at one time but beat it.

This is a man that – I hate to say it – deserved everything that happened to him. He was very abusive to his whole family, beat the kids. He hasn’t spoken to his children in years, and definitely not his grandchildren. I informed my brother that he died, and that he is listed as his grandchild in the obit.

My brother is super pissed. Said he doesn’t want his own father to be associated with his name, nevermind that supposed grandfather of his. He tried posting his comment to the obit, but apparently they have to be approved. His was not approved.

I wonder if anyone else has left comments on people’s obituaries telling them what a piece of shit they were?

With Loss Comes Gain – A Commentary on Haiti’s Earthquake

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By accident, I discovered a news story today about the Earthquake in Haiti. I am not one to turn on the television or read about world news, so this was surprising to me. This one was bound to grab my attention no matter what. It is an extreme story that no doubt will effect many people, including those who are not involved. This is the type of tragedy that, although with many devastating losses, also brings people together.

Upon viewing some videos put together by Youtube subscribers, I read many negative comments about how the Haitians deserved this. Really?!?!? I was furious at seeing these heartless replies. This type of natural event can happen to any of us at any given time, and the types of people that make those comments sure do have some life lessons ahead of them in the wake of karma. I pointed out to a few of these negative people that not everyone in Haiti is a Haitian, that many Americans are over there as well – several thousand, in fact – and many others from other countries. I had to quit reading those comments because the event itself was upsetting enough and I had to remind myself that subjecting myself to this sort of hatred wasn’t helpful to me or anyone else.

I believe there are more people in this world that are helpful and loving than there are those who are spiteful and full of hate. It’s up to our own selves to seek and find that love. And so I did. I tuned into some radio shows that revealed an outpouring of love from those who want to help. It felt good to be in spiritual alignment and agreement with groups of people I have never even met.

The people of Haiti have been through enough trauma living in a country full of poverty and corruption. This is a perfect opportunity to show the survivors that no matter where we are from, we still care as a human race. People all over the world right now are praying for the survivors in Haiti. Although we all may pray differently and believe in different truths, no matter what, the result will be the same = LOVE.