A Dinner Out Turned Crazy

I ain’t got time fo dat!

When I say people’s energy affects me in debilitating ways, I’m not joking. By staying away from most everyone right now, it’s helping to heal some things that I wasn’t even aware existed. I suppose that the drinking I’d done in the past was a bandaid that dulled my senses to feel everything around me. Going out in public once a week is usually enough for me to remember why I don’t like being around people. The traffic is horrendous this time of year, there are too many out-of-towners for a small town, and now there are just too many damn people in Florida overall.

I’m open to pretty much doing anything except bars, so I manage to make myself go out to eat or to an event or to something other than the grocery store once a week just to be out in the world. Usually one night in a noisy restaurant has me good for a week of being around people. I feel like I have to shake the energy off of me, and in some circumstances, it’s much harder.

Over the past month, I visited one of my favorite restaurants I’ve been going to for about 13 years. It’s a small place with great food and a good atmosphere. Again, I visited the other day, ordered food, had some conversation with the owner, left some business cards. Just a regular night out for me. Then something both completely unexpected and fucked up happened.

As I was getting ready to leave the place and chatted with the owner, his baby mama was blowing up his phone the entire time he was working; he said she does this every night and is always accusing him of cheating. I’m like wow, that sucks… I should go before she pulls up here. He says oh she wouldn’t do that, but somehow I knew better. Before I could walk out, she pulled up to the door of the restaurant in a car, came in and started screaming at him that he should have been home hours ago, that he’s probably drunk again. Then she pointed at me, asking if he was fucking me, too. Yikes!!!

I was like “Whoa, what the fuck! I’m not fucking anybody! I’m just a customer!”

It was such a bizarre, uncomfortable situation of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t know what I was dealing with and wasn’t about to take any chances. I waited for psycho baby mama to leave so she didn’t follow me or know my vehicle. The owner apologized profusely, said she probably wouldn’t follow me but to let him know I made it home okay. I sent him a text when I made it home, no one followed me.

About an hour later, my phone rang from the owner’s number. It was pretty late by then, and I wasn’t sure if perhaps the cops were involved at that point and needed a witness. But it wasn’t him. It was psycho baby mama telling me to stop contacting her fiancé before she cussed me out and hung up on me. Then she proceeded to text me from his phone about their relationship, which I could give two shits about. It was late, and I was over the drama that I neither caused nor deserved. Seriously, what the fuck! I told her to get help, because she needed to focus on her child instead of raging at someone that’s an innocent customer, to not involve me in their Jerry Springer drama, and do not contact me again! It’s been silent since.

However, today I noticed someone viewing my Instagram stories that looked familiar. I confirmed through a mutual friend that it was psycho baby mama. It felt a bit creepy, because what is she looking for? I have nothing to do with whatever is going on between them. Then I realized that the owner’s account now has me blocked, which he’s probably not even aware. I took a screenshot, blocked her and relayed the message through a mutual friend about it, letting him know that I will not be coming back to the restaurant. It’s just too weird now.

It was such bad energy and felt like it screwed up the good vibe I had going that evening. I didn’t sleep well that night, either, and I haven’t felt the same since. This is why when something happens, it takes me a while to recover my own good energy, because I feel everything so deeply. This is why I can only be around people for a short amount of time.

Once again, here I was minding my own damn business when – bam! The night ends with some bullshit. Now one of my favorite places to eat is a place I no longer feel comfortable going to. Considering that I never really go out, that leaves me with very little options of places to go that I like. It also makes me wonder if it’s a sign to get the hell out of this town and start looking for something that serves me better.

Boundaries in Relationships: Space Invaders & Energy Vampires

Have you ever played the game Space Invaders? It came out in 1978, and as a small child I played it until I had blisters on my fingers. As a matter of fact, I still have a scar on one of my fingers! I was determined to shoot down the enemy if I couldn’t hide behind the walls that almost always got torn down. Of course, in video games, the game always wins. But in real life, we have the power to control what happens; it’s just a matter of learning how to use it.

One day it dawned on me that the aliens in the game Space Invaders are much like people who are space invaders. (Some people often refer to them as energy vampires.) They invade space and suck the good energy right out because they have no respect for other people’s needs or boundaries.

For instance, the friend that has endless relationship problems – you provide an ear to listen. A week or a month later, same friend, same problem. Six months later, a year, two years  – same friend, same problem. Her relationships literally make her ill, and listening to her somehow starts to make you feel ill as well. You’ve invested countless hours listening to her rant about her ex or about how everything in her life sucks. Now it’s your turn. You have an issue and need an ear just to hear you vent, and now your friend doesn’t have time for you. Not a friend at all; just an energy vampire. Healthy friendships are based on mutual listening skills; otherwise you are an unpaid therapist.

Sometimes space invaders are determined to selfishly grant their wants rather than someone else’s needs. A friend whose ex would not stop contacting her after she broke off the relationship, even after she ignored and warned him, got to the point of having to call authorities. Obviously, he had no self-control and zero respect for her needs and boundaries. She probably set these parameters at the very beginning of the relationship, translating his actions into flattery and “love”, instead of listening to her own needs and boundaries. Years after this began, she is finally done with him once and for all but has still had to deal with his stalking.

bound·a·ry
ˈbound(ə)rē
noun
plural noun: boundaries
1.
a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

A woman I used to be friends with would go out of her way to “help” people with all good intentions, but she does it without their permission and expected things to go her way. For example, she was trying to set her friend up on a blind date with some dude that turned out to be a dud (she invited them to the same party without informing the woman of her intentions). Instead of accepting that her friend had boundaries about dating and being set up with complete strangers without her knowledge, she got upset that she “went out of her way” and didn’t feel appreciated. What she did caused three people unneeded stress – her friend for the embarrassment and invasion of privacy, the dud(e) who was embarrassed after getting his hopes up, and herself because she had expectations for something she had no business sticking her nose into.

I once had a male friend (I’ll nickname him Orchid Guy) that I no longer speak to cross a boundary during the time I was newly separated from my ex. My plan was to check out the city where he lived, because there was a job coming up that I was applying for, and while I was there he was supposed to show me around. Prior to my arrival, he decided to make an itinerary of my entire trip, which included dinner and a cruise – something that I said hell no to, because I was maybe a month into being newly single and definitely not ready for a romantic evening with an old friend. It weirded me out, and I told him, and not only that – I was going to do my own thing, because I really needed alone time. Around the same time, he insisted on sending a package to me, but I felt uncomfortable about it, because technically, I was still married and living under the same roof as my ex. I told him to just wait until I visit, but Orchid Guy couldn’t control himself. He sent it to my job where I was teaching, which was also invasive, because it was a very small school and no one received personal packages there. The package contained a book that I would never be interested in reading, a lengthy handwritten card that sounded too mushy for what our friendship was, the first season of Game of Thrones, and a witch’s knot pendant (the only thing I kept). I thought what an odd bunch of things to send to me! I had to hide everything, because I didn’t want my ex to see it, and I really didn’t even want it in my house – period.

A few weeks later when I arrived at the B&B in his city, Orchid Guy had sent flowers to my room (mainly orchids). At that point, I flipped the fuck out. I thought it was extremely invasive, because this was a trip I was paying for myself, not to mention the emotional time I was having during my separation, but to have someone put flowers in my room just crossed the line for me. He thought he was making a nice gesture and being a “good guy,” but in reality he was well over all of my boundaries to the point that I didn’t feel the need to hang out with him whatsoever during my trip. I was super angry and felt violated.

Even after explaining to a space invader that they have crossed a line (or many lines), explaining that perhaps right now is not the time to continue a conversation, or explaining that right now we may not be feeling well enough to do what they would like us to do, they continue making excuses and finding ways to invade our space… if that person continues to disrespect your boundaries, it’s time to either set the boundaries or let them go. Space invaders will make us crazy and make us literally ill, because they are life-sucking vampires.

In the game Space Invaders, you get 3 “lives,” but in real life we only get one. However, we do have three choices as to how we handle these people: we can either continue allowing space invaders win and slowly kill us, place the boundaries today, or completely end the relationship by announcing: Game Over.