Spring Cleaning My Mind

I’ve been meaning to sit down and write a lot more lately, but I’ve had some issues to deal with before I have allowed myself to actually sit. I started redecorating my place after my landlord did some improvements to my bathroom, so for two or three weeks I was painting and cleaning and getting rid of what no longer serves me. For instance, some prints of Key West that were given to me while I was married that I have outgrown, two bags of clothing that either didn’t fit me or I wonder why the hell I bought it in the first place, things I’d saved as “art supplies” but never used, and even my living room rug that I had while I was married. I just want things that are mine to begin with, not a reminder of the past that I had with someone else. Plus, I’m preparing for surgery next week and want my home in order so I have nothing to worry about. I enjoy living minimally with only the quality things that I need and things that keep me occupied.

Another thing I’ve done is take a risk to focus more on freelance work and other projects rather than slaving for someone else, especially since the wages in my area are horrible and barely worth getting out of bed. Besides, the amount of appointments and surgery/recovery time I have would not sit well with any employer. I may have less income coming in, but I’m happier, less stressed, and flexibility is important to me. Plus, my health is my number one priority at the moment, of which most employers seem to be so flippant.

With that previous statement in mind, I recently met a woman that had worked for a large corporation for many years and was let go without any warning, and it changed her entire life. She is now self-employed and less stressed, yet also lower in income. It’s a double-edged sword, but happiness is more important. We discussed how so many employers no longer truly care about their employees; employees are replaceable and unappreciated. It reminded me of the last company I worked for that didn’t even give its employees a Christmas/holiday party, not even a “thank you” at the end of the year. That was a tell-tale sign for me to run from the place, and I did two months later. Why on earth would I get up in the morning to make someone else rich that could care less if I was hit by a bus?

With all of this going on, I have noticed an internal change in myself as well. While I painted for days, I listened to a lot of podcasts and got into a zen mode. I didn’t feel like being around other people. I wasn’t thinking about the actual work I was doing; I was just being, which is a huge step for me, because I have a tendency to think and overthink all too often. Although at times my mind did wander, and I did do a lot of thinking about the things going on in my life… and the people that have affected me in all sorts of ways.

I was invited out a few times by friends in town and another one going away, so it was a nice change to have some girl time. (Since most of my friends are boyfriended up, it’s rare to have girl time anymore.) While I realize I don’t exactly fit in to any group, I have a variety of friends of all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. There are some people that, once they get boyfriended up, stop being friends until they have an issue. Or my one friend, that when we do finally get together, ends up constantly on her phone with the boyfriend texting and calling nonstop. It’s the most annoying fucking thing in the world, not to mention rude. I also realize that I’m the one initiating getting together with some friends almost 100% of the time. So I stopped doing it. And I haven’t heard a word from any of them. I often feel like people only contact me when they need something or when they’re bored and no one else is around. No one wants to feel this way.

I have distanced myself from dating again. While I’m open to meet new people, the whole “dating” and trying to find “the one” thing seems to be useless. Men are either too preoccupied pursuing multiple women or “work too much” or have small children or otherwise emotionally unavailable. Either be in it or GTFO, because I value my time, and people who waste it are the epitome of ass. And then there’s the other side of the spectrum – after one date they think they’re going to marry me. It’s not happening. None of it.

And while I’m sitting here typing this, I’m watching a millipede crawl across the floor. I am a big person on signs from the Universe… and the symbolism of the millipede, according to Ted Andrews:

“Damp environments are symbolic of creative, psychic, and emotional areas. For those to whom the millipede is a messenger, it’s important to find an environment supportive to their creative and psychic sensibilities, necessary for their health and well-being. Centipedes and millipedes often remind us to be careful of what we say and how we say it. They alert us to new psychic environments and connections and to new and previously unrecognized psychic relationships. They also appear to alert us to any possible pitfalls within those relationships. Theirs is the energy of quiet protection in psychic exploration.” (Ted Andrews Animal-Wise.)

Seems to be quite fitting.

Living as a Single INFP-T Idealist

I had probably taken this test back in college, but long before everything was available on the internet. After recently taking the Myers-Briggs personality test, I realized why I have always felt alone, always felt like I was on the wrong planet or born to the wrong generation, or just plain never fit in anywhere. The more I read about the INFP-T personality type (“the mediator), the more I’m beginning to understand myself. I wish I had done this years ago!

From what I’ve read, the INFP personality is a rarity, fitting only about 4-5% of the population. Every single characteristic of an INFP-T fits me spot on. Here I was all of these years thinking something was wrong with me, because I never fit in, people always told me they could never understand me, and because of that – I never understood myself and always felt as if something was wrong with me. So now here I am in my mid-40s finally figuring it out.

It seems that most INFP personality types are lonely, mainly because we prefer to be alone or have difficulty being around chaotic environments or people, prefer to communicate in metaphors, and take things personally. I’m not the type of person that’s far left or far right, and I like things diplomatically balanced right in the center. We like to spend quality time with a few people that mean a lot to us. This explains why I have never fit into groups, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I mean, I can get along with anyone or find common ground with anyone somewhere along the line; I tend to be a listener, and more than enough people have unleashed all of their problems to me; but I have also been told more than enough times that I am difficult to get to know. After reading all of the strengths and weaknesses of the INFP personality, I identify with all of them 100%. I am ruled by my emotions and feelings for the most part, which is probably why my entire life has seemed so scattered.

After taking the Myers-Briggs test, I found the Keirsey personality test that also fits along the same lines. There are four types of Idealists (15% of the population), and INFP personality type is one of them. I happen to fall into the Idealist-Healer category. Again, this type fit me quite well, especially as a nurturer and dreamer.

Taking all of this into consideration, I can see why I have had such difficulty in relationships and opening up to people. It all makes total sense now. I suppose this is another reason I’m single; I find the good in everyone, even though they may not be good for me, and I often don’t break off relationships (whether it be friendship, romantic, or work related) when I should. I care more than I should, and like many INFP types, I tend romanticize a partner for what I think they are or could be rather than what they really are.

I already knew all of this about myself, but these tests just help explain things better for my understanding. Now that I’ve discovered all of this, I realize I need more personality types that fit my own. Further research suggests that I the best matches for INFP types are ENFJ or ESFJ. If it were only that easy to find that without going around asking people to take the test! Maybe the next time I write a dating profile it will read “INFP seeking ENFJ or ESFJ” and see what happens.

Gaslight Guy is a Fake

It was recently confirmed that I was right about the guy that I thought had been gaslighting me a while back. Being a small town, I’ve run into him a few times with friends, and we’re cordial, but we never hang out as friends ourselves. Now I have a new friend that used to be his friend. I’ll just call her Megan.

Megan was very close with Gaslight guy, not in a dating sense, but as in very good friends. Eventually, Gaslight’s true colors came out, and he began treating Megan like shit. Without going into too much detail on her end, I related my experience with Gaslight. Sure enough, I was correct the whole time. What he says and what he does are two different things. How he puts himself out there on social media and dating sites is in direct contrast to who he is at home. Not a surprise, however.

While we were still chatting, I had called Gaslight out on his constant “liking” of scantily clad Barbie doll type of women on social media. For a man in his 40s, it seemed excessive, and it also made it seem like he was constantly on his phone. I had thought to myself, if that’s what he likes, I can’t live up to that. He denied it. He denied everything I had called him out on. However, Megan confirmed that’s exactly what she’d witnessed firsthand. In person.

Another thing I had noticed on Gaslight’s dating and social media accounts, he claimed to like doing certain activities that he in fact doesn’t do at all. Prior to all of this, I had suggested things for us to do, but he always had some excuse. (Maybe I just wasn’t too Barbie enough for him.) But Megan confirmed he does NONE of those things, that he’s actually quite boring and besides going to work, spends most of his time on his phone (liking women on social media, I presume). That was kind of surprising to me, because except for the gaslighting, I didn’t expect him to be a complete fake.

I guess part of the gaslighting from my childhood is still ingrained in me – that I was always imagining things that were actually right there in my face, because I still sometimes find myself doubting what I think. Whatever the case, I’m glad to know that I was right about Gaslight guy. That I’m not crazy. That my intuition and feelings and my observations are spot on, no matter what these assholes try to say.

Giving Second Chances Makes Me a Fool

I’m not usually one to give second chances, because most of the time, someone pisses me off so much I want nothing to do with them. I saw Toe Ring on Bumble again a couple of weeks ago and swiped right for the hell of it. We matched. He said he would like to try again and asked me out for lunch. I thought that sounded fine.

Lunch was great, but it ended up being a day drinking fest, which is something I hadn’t done in a long time. We ended up having dinner also, hopping around town to different restaurants and a brewery. By the time we got to the brewery, my memory was foggy, but Toe Ring decided to use the bathroom and it seemed to take him a while to come back. He was talking to (flirting with?) some other women playing a game. Then he proceeded to attempt to make out with me at the bar, which is a huge no-no for me. My bartender friend said he was a drunk hot mess, and he told me to run. All I remembered the next morning was that we had a really fun time.

A week later, I was meeting my friend for a cocktail and appetizer. Toe Ring was nearby, and I invited him to say hello. Plus, I thought it would give me an opportunity to get a friend’s perspective. He showed up pretty tipsy. Here we go again, I thought. He offered to buy a round of drinks and then sat there talking to my friend the entire time. I had to leave to go to a family event, which he already knew, but invited me out for sushi. I said I would, but I have to do this thing that I already told you about. So what did he do? After letting me pay my own tab, he asked my friend out instead. She was coming with me, so that wasn’t going to happen. I thought that was a shitty thing to do.

My friend and I both agreed it was rude of him. But Toe Ring thought he was being nice. I said you think asking my friend out on a sushi date in front of me is being nice? Because it’s pretty disrespectful. Not to mention you let me pay my own tab. He reminded me that he paid the tab the weekend before. Well, if you’re going to ask me out on a date, be prepared to pay the damn tab! 

Later that night he was texting me some drunk gibberish that wasn’t making sense. Basically he wanted me to come over, but clearly he was wasted. The following day I went off on him about his rudeness of asking my friend out. That’s when he said he was just trying to be nice. Then he said I should have just showed up to his house, which is something I don’t do anyway. So I reminded him how he cannot properly communicate, and he “liked” my comment. I told him that it’s obvious he’s not that into me. He never said anything about that and I have barely heard from him since.

I don’t know why I gave Toe Ring a second chance. I don’t know what it is I like about him, because clearly he doesn’t like me very much. My next therapy session is next week….

Stuck in My Head – March Brain Dump

Lately I feel as if I’ve been stuck in my head, wanting to be alone, not really feeling sociable. I have a lot of things going on, a lot on my mind. Just started another new job that I’m unsure about already, been dealing with medical issues that I’m also unsure what the outcome will be. I’ve been finding myself not wanting to listen to noise or music or anything but silence or the wind or the birds or something natural. Nothing manmade, because I’m finding it more and more annoying to the point it’s causing confusion.

I’m not exactly liking where the world is heading. I’m big into nature and natural things, but it’s obvious greed is taking over and ruining some of the real luxuries of life – things that money cannot possibly buy. It’s depressing to watch.

I’ve lost interest in dating again. Besides it being so time-consuming getting to know someone that I can’t even be friends with, it’s so fucking exhausting. I just don’t have the energy to put into someone that I don’t have that much interest in – or put energy into someone that turns out to be an asshole. It takes away from my spirit, from my work, from my sleep habits… I just can’t do it anymore.

I’m also tired again. I was doing fine with getting my shit together right up until I met Toe Ring, then my sleep habits that I was finally getting under control went to shit again. Should I also mention I had great control of my drinking habits as well until he came along? I realize now I often let the wrong people into my life that aren’t the best influences, that don’t bring out the best in me, that don’t contribute to me feeling good about things. I know I’ve done this in the past, and I don’t want to repeat it. Only people that lift my spirit, not drown it.

I guess for now being alone is probably what’s best for me. I’m content with writing and doing my multiple other jobs and spending Friday nights home alone with my cat watching Dirty John or Temptation Island. It’s more entertaining and rewarding than dealing with someone that I shouldn’t be with and that drains my energy to the point of wanting to be alone again.

And Then I’ve Had Some Good Dates…

I know I’ve only been posting about my dates from hell, but I have actually had some pretty good dates over the years. However, most of those had no chemistry on my part. Obviously, I had three months of great dates AND chemistry with OC, so that bar has been set to only find good dates that also have chemistry.

Years ago before I was married, I had a good date with a doctor, but there was no chemistry. Same goes for another date to a Renaissance faire and again to dinner but no chemistry. I’ve even had friends with benefits types of dates in the past that were a lot of fun. Today, I remain friends with many of these guys. And obviously I had some great dates with the person I was with for nearly 10 years. I had a pretty good first date with Computer Guy until he got weird and insisted he only wanted a relationship not a friendship. I had another good first and last date with someone our acquaintance set me up with… and again, no chemistry on my part, and I didn’t think we had that much in common.

I have also had some other great dates with good food and drinks and conversation. The most recent was with a man originally from California that is a few years older than me and super accommodating. We spoke on the phone for several hours until late morning over three nights. I really enjoyed talking to him; he was a good listener and a genuinely sweet person. Cali drove an hour to meet me for dinner at a really nice restaurant. When I arrived, he had flowers waiting. Our meal was amazing, and the date went very well. I wanted to have that chemistry, but no matter how hard I wanted to, I wasn’t feeling it. I don’t know what was holding me back; maybe it was lack of chemistry, maybe it was intuition of something I haven’t figured out yet. Or maybe it was because he looked so much like someone else I’d briefly dated (they even drive the same car!). And that really sucks, because Cali would probably make a great boyfriend for someone. I knew he could tell that I wasn’t into him as he was to me. But I am not sure if I could develop something more over time if we remain friends and get to know each other more than just over the phone. I think he may be like Needy Guy and only wanting an immediate relationship, whereas I’m all about taking things slow.

I know Cali wants more than just a friendship, and so do I, but I think a relationship really needs to start off as a friendship to begin with – chemistry or not. I can’t just rush into a situation like I have in the past. And there are things about Cali that really do melt my heart, but I can’t allow that to be my reason for going forward with a relationship. Looking back, it’s exactly how I ended up married to a person I basically had nothing in common with and no chemistry (who was also very needy).

I want a man that both makes my heart melt AND my panties wet!

Also, I think that just because I can hold a conversation for hours with certain people doesn’t necessarily mean we’re meant for each other in a romantic way. Obviously, being able to communicate in any relationship is a must for anything to last. But it seems like a lot of men confuse the fact that just because I’m nice that I’m automatically into them. Cali kept mentioning how close he felt to me by our conversations, and I truly appreciate that. However, I have had conversations with several people throughout my life that were just as good and just as long without having a romantic relationship.

So what now? I think I’m at least getting somewhere by raising the bar for what I want and what I’m not going to tolerate. I have been extremely flexible (too flexible!) in dating people that don’t make my “list” of things, which turned out to be disastrous. But I know one thing is for certain – the mental (which to me includes intellectual and emotional), spiritual, and physical ALL have to be included in my next one. It often seems impossible.

Why I Will Never Date a Trump Fan Ever Again

Before anyone gives me their bright unsolicited political opinions, let me just say I’m on neither side of the fence. I’m straight in the middle. But against my own beliefs, I gave some people the benefit of the doubt to get to know in the dating world. What a mistake and a waste of time that was!

Looking back, I realized that most (if not all) of my bad dates were indeed Trump fans. Specifically, Kiss Fanatic, King Nothing, Pig, Frat Boy, Mr. Volatile, Redneck, Mr. Retired Military, and even some of the guest blogger/anonymous submissions – Drunk Cowboy and Racecar Driver. On paper, these guys seemed great. In person, they were complete douchebags.

And then there’s a more recent one that I met thru Bumble that I’ll refer to as Toe Ring, because he had a toe ring. He also knows about my blog, so if he’s reading this, I’m pretty sure his asshole is puckering. We had an amazing first date at a new sushi restaurant neither of us had yet visited. He was courteous, kind, and well-mannered, and he even gave me a flower when I showed up. I thought that was an extremely sweet gesture. Our conversation was great and flowed easily. After sushi we went to get a few drinks and talked some more and decided to head to my house to wind down. We kissed a few times and ended up falling asleep on my couch. It was very innocent and nice and different from most dates that I was used to. But it was short-lived.

Toe Ring and I were supposed to go to dinner one night but I was extremely tired and asked for a raincheck. The following week, Toe Ring came to my house (he worked late) after work just about every evening, brought some beers and ended up getting shitfaced every single time. I began to think he had a drinking problem and told him so. Not only that, but he started getting aggressive and grabbing my boobs and acting like a total asshole. The first time it happened I blamed it on the alcohol, but he did it again. Then he started pressuring me for sex after I had made it clear I wasn’t going to do that unless I’m in a relationship. I reamed him about it, telling him it’s really disrespectful and nothing like he acted on the first date. Besides, we’d only been on one actual dinner date, and the rest of the time he just crashed at my house.

I had to keep reminding Toe Ring that I’d like to take him up on that raincheck for dinner (even takeout would have been acceptable at some point), but he was either always working late or had some other excuse… or was too busy getting drunk at a hotel bar an hour from my house. I was also convinced that he had another woman or two on the back burner in case we didn’t work out. I would ask him questions and he would dance around them without actually saying yes or no every single time. I mean, maybe he wasn’t actually seeing anyone else, but I had the gut feeling he was probably texting or sexting other women. So I didn’t exactly trust him.

Still, Toe Ring insisted on seeing me when he got off work, but after a week or so, I started to get bored with the routine of watching him get shitfaced and keeping me up late, groping me, pressuring me for sex, and using my house as a motel… and then letting the alarm go off two or three times at 5am because he had to work. Then one evening he started talking about needing someone to go to his house early in the morning to wake his kids and take them to school… and I thought holy hell, this guy just wants a woman around because he needs a babysitter. NO WAY!

Valentine’s Day rolled around, and I wasn’t expecting to hear from Toe Ring, but around 8pm that evening he asked me if I wanted to go out and do something. Right… at 8pm. At that point, I was already out with my gay friend (since I knew he wouldn’t try to fuck me) and was so annoyed at the fact that if Toe Ring really wanted to see me, he’d have planned it ahead of time. He insisted on seeing me, because he doesn’t give a damn what I want, just his own selfish wants. By the time I saw him, it was 9pm, and we live in an area where dinner closes around 10pm. This time, I had already been drinking, and this time I was the shitfaced one. I don’t even remember going back to my house, but I do remember being sober enough that I slept in my leggings and sweater that I wore out that night, because I wasn’t about to allow him to grope me or try to have sex with me again. When his alarm went off at 5am, he got up and wanted to have sex. Again, I was disgusted by his behavior and lack of boundaries and told him no way. He said, “Just give me six minutes,” and I woke up out of my slumber and about lost it.

He’s really lucky I didn’t have a grenade in my hand at that point, because I’d have stuck it in his pants. I was fuming that he had zero class and zero respect for my feelings, my needs, and my boundaries. When Toe Ring left, I couldn’t get back to sleep, which made me fume even more, so I sent him a barrage of text messages telling him exactly how I felt and letting him know what a selfish asshole he was and how fake he was by acting all normal and decent on the first date instead of being his normal dickhead authentic self. He ended up apologizing that he’s sorry it didn’t work out. And then about a week later he sent me another message apologizing again about it not working out – but not about his horrible, shitty behavior. If he were truly sorry, he’d have taken a hard look at his behavior and did something about it. With that being said, I can’t be sorry that it didn’t work out, because I am the same person I was on that first date with nothing to hide that tolerated far too many things that I should have let go the first time it happened.

I don’t normally bring politics into my dating life, but after meeting these awful guys, I now see I need to… that I have to ask some prerequisite questions even before the conversation starts. And the one is: “Are you a Trump Fan?” because it will save me a lot of aggravation in the long run. I can be friends with just about anybody, but I’m not sharing my life or my bed with a Trump Fan ever again, and I’m definitely not letting any of those assholes grab me by the pussy!

Being the Rebound Girl

For whatever reason, I tend to attract guys that are newly single or somewhat undecided about their single status. It didn’t matter much when I first became single, but it’s been a good five years now, so obviously I’m in a different frame of mind. Now whenever I meet someone I make it a point to ask when their last relationship was… and then I move on, because 99% of the time, it’s within the past few months or so.

When I was newly single after the divorce, I dated someone off and on for several months that I’d gone to high school with but had never known. I say off and on, because neither of us wanted a relationship,; he had nothing to offer me, and he consistently pissed me off. He basically worked very little, drank a lot, had no driver’s license, and 4 kids that I later learned hated him. The whole thing was more of a convenience, since he lived extremely close to me, so it was easy to hang out. I also did some work for him for which he paid me well, and I was also his designated driver (he paid me) since he couldn’t drive. So that part seemed like a win/win for us both.

We did have a lot of fun together, however. We went boating and partied a lot… and then I eventually realized he was probably the biggest liar I’d ever met. Even though we weren’t in a “relationship” it seemed we had a mutual understanding to not sleep around with other people while we were together. I was adamant about not catching anything gross and I needed that emotional connection that was honest. Honesty was not his policy, whatsoever; he was sneaky, and the more I learned, the more I began to distance myself.

One evening I was bitching to my bartender friend about him. Another woman was sitting next to me and started asking details…

Does he live here and do “this” for a living? Yes and yes. His name is “Big Liar”? Yes. She looked at me and was really nice about it and said that she was also going through a divorce and started seeing him. I thought how and when, because I live so close and we’re together often.

When she told me the dates/times, that’s when I figured out it was when I was out of town visiting my family. She showed me text messages he’d sent her in the weeks while he was still with me – he was trying to hook up, but she was no longer interested. I was fuming, but not at her. I thanked her for telling me everything, and we’ve been friends ever since.

I ended up leaving and driving straight to his house to tell him what a piece of shit liar he was. He acted like he didn’t care one single ounce about my feelings. I left angry and in tears, hurt and confused. (I think I threw a glass that shattered on his porch – not at him but at the universe. Oh, well.)

But the shitty part was – I was still doing work for him and needed the money badly, so I had to continue dealing with him.

This isn’t the end of the story. Just this chapter for now.

Random Bad Dates from my 20s

I’ve been trying to throw things away to make room for more, but can’t seem to get rid of things like my old scrapbook of “Crushes, Dates, & Loves”. I should hand this down to my daughter, as I’m sure she could appreciate some of these stories. Some stories I barely remember – or not at all.

No Money Man:
This was supposed to be a weekend getaway, but it turned out that I couldn’t get away fast enough. Probably in my early 20s, I was invited to spend the weekend in another town. There was no chivalry whatsoever. He would walk at least 3 to 5 steps in front of me, sat down at the dinner table before me, didn’t bother to open car doors, asked me for money, “joked” by saying annoying, sarcastic, demeaning things, and would put his hands on me in public to show that I was with him. On top of it all, I ended up paying for dinner! Apparently, I never saw this person again. Why don’t I remember this person? Probably because I didn’t want to. He sounds like a total douche!

The Meat Packer:
He never became an actual date, but I saw him at least weekly, which made my grocery shopping more enjoyable. This guy worked at Publix’s  meat department, and we shared the same name. He’d flirted with me on several occasions, always making conversation, but he never asked me out. I was a single mom at the time, going to college and working a job or three. Meeting decent guys was difficult, because in those days “nobody wanted to date a woman with a kid (except maybe old men).” So I finally got the nerve to ask him out instead. His response: “I don’t think my girlfriend would like that very much.” I was pissed and embarrassed, so I started shopping at a different store. Sorry, Publix!

Stinky Pillow Guy:
Back before Tinder, Bumble, and Match, people used Yahoo Personals. I was in my mid to late 20s when I met a guy that lived about an hour or so away. He was very polite and very sweet, even in person. We got to know each other for a few weeks online and by phone, and when I met him, I liked him. Since he lived far and I didn’t want anyone at my house (it was also much easier for me to run far away!), I made plans to stay the night at his house – on the couch. Our date consisted of me giggling at the fact he didn’t have many table manners, but it wasn’t because he was rude; he was just inexperienced. We went to a sushi restaurant where he proceeded to wipe his face with the o-shibori that was presented to us at dinner. Then I watched him butcher sushi rolls with a fork, because he’d never eaten it before. We then rented movies that he talked through them the entire time. Finally, I prepared to sleep on his old pullout couch with an awful back bar that just about crippled me. Then he gave me a nice moldy pillow for my head, and I immediately suffered an allergy attack. Last, but not least, I guess he assumed he was going to sleep with me and took it upon himself to jump in bed next to me and put his measley hands all over me before he started snoring loudly. I managed to ease my way out and left in the middle of the night and never turned back.

The Pilots:
I live in an area where there are a lot of flight schools nearby, so whenever my friends and I went out, we’d always meet pilots. I was probably in my late 20s when I met a pilot from Venezuela. He was in his 30s, and we hit it off immediately. I thought he had a lot of class, intelligence, and was attractive – much different from the down-home Florida cracker types I was used to meeting. He’d told me he’d been divorced for 7 months, but hadn’t been together with the wife “in a long time”.

I was really looking forward to getting to know him better, but after the crooked married cop situation, I decided to do a little research. Lo and behold, there was no divorce. When confronted, he became defensive and thought I was being ridiculous. I told him to call me when the divorce was final. I got a call from him a few months later at the beginning of the summer, and supposedly the papers were signed. Then the asshole stood me up for a date.

At the end of July, I bumped into him at a club where he introduced me to his new girlfriend. Four months later, they were engaged. Fly away, birdie, fly away!

Another pilot I met at a Best Buy while we were both arguing with the jerk at the computer repair dept. He was sort of a foreign guy, seemed really cool, only a couple years older, and he was kind of hot. The first night we went out, he said, “I think I could fall in love with you.”

That was waaayyy too soon for a first date, and it completely scared me off, so I never called him again. I saw him around a few more times, and he thought I hated him. I didn’t hate him, but I was certainly not ready for the “L” word either.

Do you have any fun dating stories you’d like to share? Send them here!

When Memories of Your Ex Dredge Up Annoyance

Sometimes you don’t notice things about yourself until someone else points it out. One of my friends pointed out that she’s noticed I have been mentioning a little about my ex husband more so than usual, mentioning things that he did that pissed me off. I guess I had been obsessing more with OC and anyone else in the past five years rather than concentrate on my divorce and the issues I had with my ex. But I didn’t see the need for it at the time, and I had pretty much doused my brain in alcohol to deal with it.

One of the things I mentioned to her the other day was the fact that my ex used to ruin things for me that I worked very hard to get. For example, when we were first married and had a brand new house, he decided he wanted a dog, even though he was working too much for the responsibility of one. So guess who ended up taking care of the dog, cleaning up shit and dirt and everything else that goes along with having a pet? Well, I’ll tell you it wasn’t him. The dog even tore up my things – sentimental things – and not his, which obviously made me fume. It actually made me resent my ex, because I thought it was unfair to put the responsibility on me when I clearly said I didn’t want a dog. (The dog turned out to be great, but that’s not the point.)

I was trying to run a photography business out of my home, but my domestic duties and caring for the dog was really getting in the way. My ex had no idea how to run or build a business and thought that since I was “home all day” I did nothing but “play on the computer”. (I guess writing two books, having a clean home and laundry, and doing everything else just magically happened.) I had created a portable studio in the house and was offering portraits for families, children, and women. For women, sometimes they’d want a maternity shoot or a boudoir shoot – something intimate and personal – and I wanted to be sure everything was professional so they’d feel comfortable, tell all of their friends, and I’d gain new business.

There was one woman that wanted a boudoir shoot for her husband, and she brought her friend with her, which I highly recommended as a safety measure. Since they would be coming to my home, I told my then husband he had to be gone when my client got there. It was imperative that when they arrived, they’d feel at ease without a male presence around, because from experience, sometimes that can be creepy. So what did he do? He stuck around until they got there and made sure he introduced himself to them. I let them know he’s leaving right now and glared at him to get the hell out.

I was super annoyed that he did that; it made it seem unprofessional to me. Looking back, he did all sorts of shit that sabotaged my career and a lot of other things I did. And now that I’m rebuilding everything from the bottom up and see him around town doing just fine and living the high life, I get angry, because I was there to boost him in his career.

Shortly after that incident, I found out he’d been searching my computer looking for the photos of my client, which really set me off, but I was very good at “hiding” the content under various folders, and he wasn’t as computer literate as I. But it made me mad that I couldn’t trust him, and I thought it was rude and creepy… and that I couldn’t even do my job without him interfering. I felt that he crossed a boundary, because my clients entrusted me to their personal needs. I feel that by him just being at the house when the other women arrived, it hurt my business.

I know that no relationship is perfect, and he had a lot of good things about him, but now that I’m divorced and sometimes reminded of things, I think why was I with this person? How did I not see he was either competing with me and one-upping me on everything (I’ll write about that later) or sabotaging what I was working to do? I guess I was blinded by love, because he was the only guy that I had dated at the time that was nice to me. But sometimes that “nice” is just to get what they want.

Viewing the Negative Side of a Relationship In Order to Move On

I have had to force myself to find the negative side of things that I haven’t been able to completely move on from. The negative side of OC, that is. Many things remind me of him, like every time I see a white pickup truck I look to see if it’s him. (Do you realize how many white pickup trucks are on the road?) I play a game that sometimes shows what appears to be a red kayak and someone on a paddle board – both things that remind me of him. It’s gotten better over time, but for whatever reason, it still hurts after a year and a half. I want to get over this and wish I had a year ago.

By now, just the fact that I was never given closure to the situation tells me he’s not a real man – but a pussy – and I already have one of those; I certainly don’t need it in a man. He should have given me an explanation and lived up to his word of not hurting me like he told me. He shouldn’t have led me on saying he missed me and he wasn’t ignoring me, that he was just busy with work… all the way up to two days before he dumped me. What kind of person does that? That is one hell of a character flaw.

I’m not a morning person by any means, but I absolutely love having coffee or breakfast with someone. Not every day, but often enough. OC never stayed for breakfast, even though he said he doesn’t eat breakfast, but every morning he would leave and “check the waves” for surfing and never spend mornings with me. At the time I was just happy to have any time with him, because he always had a lot of family and work things going on. It was odd, because after 2-3 months of staying the night most of the week, you’d think one morning would be in order, right? Well, it never happened.

There were things he told me he would do for me and never did them before he broke up with me. That’s a peeve of mine. For instance, he was going to get me a container to use as a fire pit in my backyard. He was talking about doing some of the things to my patio area to make it nicer. He alluded to us going camping when the weather cooled down. Just do what you say you’re going to, don’t leave me hanging, and certainly don’t make it seem like there’s a future in front of us before you dump me by text and then ghost me forever. That’s just shitty.

The fact that he was still technically married (and still is!) and still living on the same property as his ex made it weird. (I did confirm they were definitely not together.) He referred to her as his “future ex-wife” but had to take care of some financial things first, and I was understanding of that, because I’ve had my own situations. But after he dumped me the way he did, I began to wonder if he ever had any intention of leaving, if he just ups and leaves every ten or fifteen years to have some flings and then goes back to try to work it out. Who knows?

Another thing that bothered me was that he had his ex’s name tattooed on his hip, and he had no intentions of ever getting rid of it or covering it up. He said no one will see it. I said I see it, and any other woman you choose to have sex with is going to see it. Duh. I should have guessed that he wasn’t ready to completely move on from her, either, and probably why he has dragged out his non-divorce for so long.

Then to top it off, he started liking some of my Instagram posts, yet still didn’t have the balls to say a word to me. He matched with me on Bumble last year and still never replied. It’s hard to know if he was just playing games or still too much of a pussy to say a word to me. Either way, I don’t get it at all. Nothing makes any sense to me.

One of the negative feelings I had with OC was the feeling of never really having him… as if there was this elusive free spirit vibe. That could have very well been my own insecurity, but it’s so confusing to not know what really happened. I figured maybe if I focus on the negative, I will realize how wrong we were together and perhaps find someone else to be happy with, because it’s obvious I will never get an answer from him. Maybe I should use the experience to write a fiction novel, but in the end, the lead character gets the actual answers she deserves.

Losing a Connection Can Be Devastating

Having a taste of something good only to have it suddenly snatched away is a real bitch. I think about how I felt about OC when we were together and how much I miss the things he brought to the table that no one else has covered. Besides the undeniable physical attraction, what was more important was having communication along with and common interests and values.

Being that OC was raised in a cult religion and I had my own fair share of religion shoved down my throat when I was a kid, neither of us believe in religion, but both of us are very spiritual. We both believe in healthy eating and keeping fit and active. We shared the same political views, although neither of us are very involved in politics at all. We shared a lust for adventure and exploring and nature and being outdoors.

When we were together, it felt like we were a real couple – affectionate and considerate and attentive and all of the good things that should be in a relationship. I felt completely comfortable with him and trusted him – another thing I find difficult. The way OC treated me was different than what I was used to. He took me out on real dates, and we did a lot of activities together. He didn’t rush me for sex, which really surprised me, and I liked the fact that his actions showed respect for me. We saw each other four or five days or nights a week. We took walks on the beach, went kayaking, and spent a lot of quality time together outdoors and indoors. He wasn’t the type of guy that hangs out in bars, and I liked that. I wasn’t used to having someone I felt so close to and connected with since I’d been divorced.

Maybe it’s another reason I liked OC so much; he treated me like I was his girlfriend and even introduced me to some of his family. All of this was so uncommon to me, so I felt special, and it felt great. All of my friends and family noticed how happy I was when we were together, how I had this certain light in my eyes when I saw OC. Everyone around me noticed it. They also noticed when the light was gone.

And now the light has been dimmed for nearly two years. I question the intention of every man I meet. I feel panic when I think about something like what I had with OC happening again – the panic of heartbreak and abandonment. The unknowing of whether or not I’m being played. I haven’t had that sort of connection with anyone since. I want to feel special again, but I have such doubts that it’s even possible.

Who Will You Spend Your Sundays With?

I was watching a cooking show the other day, and one of the contestants talked about dating or hanging out with a guy on Friday or Saturday, but the person she wants to spend her Sundays with is the one who is really special. I haven’t spent a Sunday with anyone since OC, mainly because I haven’t met anyone that’s available on Sundays (or any other day of the week for that matter), or they are too emotionally unavailable to do anything that involves real life.

More than anywhere else, I have found that dating apps and websites tend to have the majority of emotionally unavailable men (and on the other end of the spectrum, extremely needy or desperate men). What I don’t understand is why men who don’t have time for a relationship continue looking for one and pursue women when they can’t possibly commit to anything. They work too much or they have other obligations or commitments and no time for a woman except at their convenience… so what exactly are they doing pursuing someone that is looking for more? It just seems to me they’re looking for someone to fill in the little void they have… or a fuck buddy, because since they don’t have time for anything real, what is left? You can’t get to know someone that is never there. Even President Clinton had both a wife and a girlfriend, and he had a pretty busy job…

Emotionally unavailable men leave women guessing what they’re up to, because they never seem to be around either physically or emotionally. Oftentimes emotionally unavailable men are full of compliments and attention at the beginning that reels you in and makes you feel special, so it can get confusing when their behavior suddenly changes. On the other hand, if a man is spending more time looking at his phone than at you, yet doesn’t take the time to send you a text in a timely manner, take that as a big hint that he’s not interested in you. Personally, I don’t want to waste Sunday or any other day of the week on anyone that leaves me guessing. Consistency is key.

So how do you want to spend your Sundays? I want to spend my Sundays with someone that cares enough about me to want to spend quality time with me – have breakfast together, cuddle, take it easy, go kayaking or do something fun. Just be together. I want to spend my Sundays with someone that is truly into me as a person and goes out of his way to show it. I want to spend my Sundays with someone that doesn’t leave me guessing as to how they feel about me. It doesn’t seem like asking for much, so why is it so difficult to meet someone that also wants something real?

January 2019 Brain Dump

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and keeping to myself. I try to make myself get out once in a while so I don’t get cabin fever, but I haven’t really had the energy to bother. I’ve been eating like shit, then healthy… and either living healthy or not doing the healthiest things like I should be. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. It’s a rollercoaster, and I hate rollercoasters.

I’ve been up and down with how I’ve been feeling, and I hate it. However, I am perfectly aware that my cranky times are when I’m hungry, tired, in pain, and/or having PMS. I can only control the hunger part, and healthy eating is vital to my mental state. Everything else takes its own course, and it’s depressing. Sometimes I attribute some depression to iron and/or B12 deficiency, because I have had anemia in the past, so I try to take supplements. I eat pretty well, so I’m not sure why this is happening. I feel like my body is a changing mess, and I’m not liking it. And I’m sure whatever shit is being put into our food contributes to it all. And I definitely have more physical issues in the winter months.

I started gaining control of the insomnia for a few weeks – not sure what changed that, but perhaps it’s because I’ve been writing so much and getting all of this brain shit out of my system. Deleting the dating sites and not dating at all helped. But then the insomnia came back last week, and my sleep pattern is all screwy again. So now I’m tired and achy, which makes the depression come back. Oh yeah, and the obnoxious construction and lawn crews in the area with their obnoxious machines making obnoxious noises that wake the entire neighborhood seven days a week didn’t help.

I haven’t had sex in way too long, which also probably adds to the depression. But I refuse to have sex with anyone I’m not in a relationship with; it’s just not worth it emotionally, and I really don’t trust anyone enough to get involved. I’ve only cuddled with someone once in the past 3+ months, and while it was really nice, I don’t know who else that person is with, so I can’t let myself get too close. I’m afraid to get too close to anyone, even though I want to. I miss the euphoric feeling of liking someone a lot and being liked back as much, but I can’t do any of this short-term shit. I mean, I guess if you don’t spend time with someone, you don’t know, but the disappointments get old and tiring. I feel like every time I meet someone, I either like them or they like me but not mutually. Or it seems when I meet someone I like, they quickly move on to the next woman (or lie about seeing other women), so why bother trying to get to know anyone?

People say you won’t get disappointed if you don’t have expectations. But it’s imperative to have expectations, because we all have standards, right? Looking back, I see I had significantly lower standards than what I should have had, which is probably why I have a lot to write about. (I’d probably be more concentrated on writing fiction if I had a love life.)

The other day I felt the need to find a motivational speech or something “happy” to listen to found something on TED Radio. The speaker talked about how people who have healthy, functional relationships are in better health and much happier when they’re older. It was a 75-year study and quite interesting. I also notice that people who have closer friends (i.e. best friends) and close family relations tend to be happier. I mean, it makes sense, right? I often feel like such an outsider and infrequently experience the feelings of being close to anyone. I don’t fit into groups at all; in fact, I despise them and begin to feel claustrophobic and anxious… unless it’s a classroom situation, then I’m okay. While I love being with the people I love, I can only take so much of them, and then I want to be alone again. And when I’m in a relationship, I can’t be smothered; it needs to be an even balance of space, or I will flee. I often feel like something is wrong with me. Is this normal?

I have a lot of personal decisions to make, but not all of it depends on me alone. Opportunities and other factors have a lot of play in that. I want to travel. I don’t want to continue doing some of the work that I do that doesn’t exactly help me spiritually except to pay the bills. My main job is a clusterfuck of b.s. and drama, and the energy there isn’t fitting me. I don’t care if I have a job that takes me out of town – I just want to get out as much as possible and make money – but I have to enjoy what I do or forget it. Lived through this long enough. But it seems like all of the good opportunities were 20+ years ago. Oh, to be young again…

Younger Men Can’t Take No For an Answer

Last night I received a text from a number I didn’t recognize saying: Hey, we met a while ago… Do you know who this is?

Me: there’s no name in my phone so I guess not.

Them: Ok never mind

Me: So who is this

Them: a guy you met at a bar a while ago. But you weren’t interested then so you won’t be interested now.

Me: (laughing emoji) This has to be one of the funniest texts I’ve received all year.

Them: (smile)

Me: Okay so how can I help you and who are you

Them: Good. Okay fine no more games. My name is John. I’m 28 years old. I met you at (a place) about a year ago. I was interested in taking you out this week if you are free.

Me: The cop?

Him: Yep. Held on to your number.

Me: It’s been a year?

Him: I think? It’s been a while.

Me: Bored and going through your phone?

Him: Yes! I guess it’s a perspective thing.

Me: Interesting. So if you’re still 28 it hasn’t been a year.

Him: I guess you got me. It’s been a while though. Would you like to go out to dinner this week?

Me: I’m not exactly sure what you’re looking for.

Him: I’m looking to take you out to dinner and get to know you. Pretty simple. If you’re not interested I’ll back off.

Me: I mean what is your ultimate goal basically…

Him: I’ll just wait another year and ask again lol. I don’t know. It depends on how we click when we see each other. Ultimately I’m looking for someone to date.

Me: Well I’m flattered but I really need somebody around my age because I’ve already done the young thing and it just does not work for me.

Him: Well I understand. I’m disappointed because I’m a different person but I understand. I’m still in interested in meeting you. if you change your mind and want to take a chance let me know.

Me: I’m just busy working and doing some changes for myself.

Him: Okay I understand. You’re not interested. No big deal.

Me: And for future reference, I like to be contacted when somebody’s not bored looking at their phone.

Him: I was being sarcastic… trying to play along… guess it backfired. But I don’t think that was the deciding factor.

I reminded him that the age difference is a huge factor, because I don’t want to waste my time on something that won’t grow into anything more. And still, he kept texting after I had stopped. Too bad these guys aren’t this persistent when it comes to actually having a relationship work rather than just trying to date someone hoping to get some booty, because that’s exactly what it’s all about. I’ve been through all of this before, and I am over it.

Him: I understand and respect the explanation.

Him: I tried.

Him: It would have been fun. Life is too short.

Okay, so now he’s really overreaching, attempting to guilt me into something I don’t want to do. I don’t appreciate manipulation, and that seems to be my experience when meeting men of all ages. He’s right about one thing – life is too short, especially to go on dates with people that you have zero interest in.

Is He Gaslighting Me or What?

It seems like every time I call a man out on his bullshit, he stops talking to me. No big loss, however.

I met someone my age in my area that I became “friends” with, but it’s a little strange. I recognized him through social media when he came into my job a few times. Other than that, we both matched on Tinder (that I have since deleted). We haven’t actually hung out except once briefly when he did a favor for me. In the meantime, we chat strictly on a friendship level, but we have talked about dating and miscellaneous things involving dating. He seems like a really cool person to hang out with, and I have very few male friends that I actually do hang out with anymore. We’ve made “plans” a few times to have lunch or hang out, but it’s never happened. Either he stops communicating (no idea why), something comes up, he falls asleep, or he’s already in his PJs (early, like 7:30 p.m.), or whatever other excuse he’s used.

Once, he invited me over to help him do something, and I said I’d go, but was having dinner first with friends – and that turned into a late night. I felt a little bad for standing him up, but I did keep in touch and also invited him out. Another time he asked me over to cuddle. I thought that was odd, because I couldn’t exactly see myself cuddle with someone I’ve barely had a conversation with and not sure if I’m even attracted to. I mean, we’ve never even had a drink or a meal together, so I wasn’t sure if he was joking or trying to fuck me or what the hell was going on with that. I don’t even know him well enough to know if he’s joking or not. He’s never even complimented me or flirted with me in other ways. And that’s why this gets even more strange.

One night while I was having a girl’s night, he was texting me. I told him he’s welcome to come out and have a beer, but he didn’t want to. However, he told me he was feeling “frisky”. I wasn’t sure where he was going with that, so I said, “Like a cat?” He said no, so I knew what he was talking about. And he wanted me to come over. I was a little irritated at this turn in conversation after still never actually hanging out together.

I wasn’t going to buy into the sending flirty texts back and forth with someone that can’t take the time to have lunch with me. I told him that I didn’t think that was a good idea and that I’m not the girl he thinks I am. He immediately changed his tune and said he doesn’t think of me that way, that he wouldn’t be interested in someone that would do that and didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t exactly believe him, because why else would a guy tell me he’s “frisky” and invite me over after previously asking to cuddle? Then I guess he fell asleep, because I didn’t hear back from him that evening.

At some point he offered to help me hang something that I couldn’t reach – oh and a bonus – give me a massage. Now, I’m all for massages, but I have to trust the guy enough to know that’s all it’s going to be. Something came up and I couldn’t do it one day, and then something came up for him the following day.

I mentioned to him that he has a lot of ladies liking him, but he said he thinks I have the wrong idea about him. How can I not after his actions and lack thereof? He doesn’t express any interest in me whatsoever that he’d like to date me, so that’s why I was a little taken aback when the conversations took those turns. And since we barely even have a friendship, it automatically made me wonder how many other women he’s talking to like that. I mean, eventually one of these times someone is going to take him up on the offer, right? And how do I know he doesn’t already have someone else hanging around and that’s why we never actually get together, even as just friends?

I learned a few days later that instead of coming over like he said on one of these days, he was out to dinner with a group of people that included some of my friends. None of them knew that he and I know each other. So I guess I’m good enough to invite over when he’s horny but not good enough to hang with me as friends. I confronted him about it in a nonchalant way asking how dinner went. He’d had no idea I knew at least three of the people, and I mentioned how he kept blowing me off but only wanted to hang out to cuddle or when he was frisky. He quickly defended himself, saying he was only joking and sorry for the miscommunication. Okay… but I still don’t think it was that much miscommunication. I mean, if you intend to hang out with someone, wouldn’t you say something?? And how did I know he was joking? I told him I only know him by text, not in person to know when he’s joking. Again, he defended himself by saying he’s sorry and needs to recognize his audience. Still, whether or not he was joking, when someone first meets a woman and flirts, she’s not going to take it as a joke at all. Am I right or not?

I had also looked at his social media. He definitely has a lot of female admirers and “likes” a LOT of photos of sexy women in scantily clad clothing (seems to be pretty excessive for a man his age). So I also mentioned to him that he obviously likes women that are Barbie dolls, the model types. He again defended himself saying that’s not true at all and he’s sorry I came to that conclusion about him, that social media is no way to judge someone. He seemed pretty upset by my opinion and blunt honesty. He continued to defend himself, even though my very experience with him told me otherwise. Between the “joking” sexual innuendo and the scantily clad women, it’s pretty difficult to not think there’s something up.

After that text-only conversation, he hadn’t said another word to me since. So last night I asked him if he was still interested in buying something that I have for sale. He read my message, liked a bunch more women in bikinis, but never answered me. So I assumed he was upset from our last conversation and said so. He denied it, made some excuse, and once again I called him out on his shit. He thinks I have the wrong opinion of him, even though, as I said – this is based on my experience and observations.

Am I right or not? I can take constructive criticism and re-evaluate situations and such, but I’m keeping a safe distance from this guy. I feel that he’s gaslighting me. I haven’t once been flirty with him and have kept it strictly platonic in conversation. I am just bluntly honest with him… and it seems a lot of men can’t seem to handle that.

A Year in Review – Sickness, Death, Grief, & Being Alone

The other day I was thinking that a year ago I had a lot of things going on. I started out house sitting for a friend at an amazing beachside location, but ended up getting the flu that eventually turned into pneumonia. It took about three months to feel normal again. In the meantime, I had started a new job in home health care and had been on a few dates with Mr. Mixed Messages that turned out to be quite the douchebag. I was also still distraught over Orange Crush, and internally, I was a huge emotional train wreck – which I am pretty certain was part of the reason I ended up so sick.

My fevers ran so high I think I actually lost a lot of memory from that time period, because the next thing I knew, it was April. During that time, one of my childhood friends was murdered by her ex-husband in a really horrific way. Today marks the one-year anniversary. And it didn’t even dawn on me until around September that one of my other childhood friends had passed away unexpectedly during that feverish time; it was then that I actually grieved about it. I couldn’t believe that I had “forgotten” about it until I went through my phone contacts and saw his name. A few others that influenced my life also passed in 2018. And then the client I was taking care of suddenly went into decline and passed away last summer. I just couldn’t deal with that type of job anymore, so I didn’t go back to it.

Throughout the year, I revamped some of the friends I had been hanging around – particularly those that seemed interested in my business, yet weren’t around to lend a helping hand when I needed it. There was one friend in particular that I thought I was close with, but she suddenly stopped speaking to me, and I didn’t know why. I finally confronted her, and one of her reasons was when I had picked up my newest job, some of the people I worked with knew her ex (I didn’t), and she just didn’t want to run the risk of running into him. Huh??? How is that my fault? I wasn’t even hanging around the people I worked with; I just simply worked there. Another reason was because when she’d asked me for an asthma inhaler, I had gone out of my way to bring her an extra one I had. However, I had no idea it had run out; obviously, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to bring her something she couldn’t use. I guess she ended up in the ER that day… and she blamed it on me. Wow. Her excuses really pissed me off, but I realized I didn’t need anyone so fucking selfish in my life anyway.

I was alone a lot last year. I didn’t necessarily want to be alone, because with my home health care job it was like being alone most of the time, and when I was sick I was alone. Being alone doesn’t bother me, but it’s not exactly healthy to be alone that much. I started kayaking alone again, even going back to the same spot that I had fond memories of with OC. In a way I guess it was therapeutic, because I wasn’t going to let the memory of him ruin my little sanctuary… but at the same time it made me both sad and angry. I guess I was still grieving.

By the end of the year, I decided to try dating sites again, because I didn’t want to be alone. What a mistake that was. (If you’ve been reading my blog, you already know this.) I decided that being alone wasn’t so bad, and now I am just used to being alone. Now I am using this time to write, do art, take classes, kayak, read, and catch up on all of the things I’ve been either avoiding or procrastinating.

While it would be nice to have a partner (it would also be nice to have sex!), I’m just going to settle for dating myself from now on. At least I know how to entertain myself… and not pee on the toilet seat.

A Date with the Most Annoying KISS Fanatic

Friends don’t set friends up with other friends that may be crazy. But that’s not always the case. About a year or so ago after being dumped by Orange Crush, one of my friends thought she was being helpful and really wanted me to meet one of her male friends, even though I told her PLEASE… JUST… DON’T. But sometimes friends can be a little sneaky and just “happen” to invite us both somewhere at the same time. She had shown me a photo of him, and he didn’t look like my “type” – even though I don’t exactly have a type – but there was something boyishly cute about him. Maybe it was his dimples.

Kiss Fan was a few years older than me and going through a breakup (a long-term relationship that included a young child but no marriage), which immediately turned me off. I thought he seemed nice and we did have some things in common, so it was nice talking to him – once. We did some drinking and made out, but ironically, he wasn’t a very good kisser – another huge turnoff. The next time we hung out, I realized all he talked about was music from the 80s and all of the concerts he’d been to, how much of a Kiss fan he is, and showed me tons of photos of him meeting some of the band members and following them all over the place like a weirdo.

Besides bands, the only other thing Kiss Fan talked about was his ex and how she cheated on him and blah blah blah. He’s another one that I told if I have to listen to this shit again, I’m charging $2 a minute. He had absolute zero communication skills. His text messages always read stupid shit like “Hey sexy” – which told me he’s only interested in one thing. And then he would say things that made no sense, which annoyed me more. He didn’t ask me any questions or give a damn about what I had to say or anything about me. He had no depth whatsoever and was kind of exhausting to be around – but at the beginning I put up with it, probably because I still wasn’t over OC and needed a distraction.

At the time I was working two jobs and also managed to do some construction work for Kiss Fan on weekends. Even working for him was more of a chore, because I felt like I was dealing with an ADHD child at times. He flirted with me a lot, and I didn’t really care, because I needed the money. Looking back, I should have charged him for that, too. Not only was he cheap as hell, he actually drank my fucking beer. I told him most bosses would buy their employees beer for working hard, not drink it. The funny thing is, his mother showed up to the site often, so he was always on his best behavior when she was around. Then she’d leave, and he’d pretend to hump me or something else juvenile.

The more I got to know him, the more Kiss Fan got on my motherfucking nerves. A few times he showed up to my house unexpectedly when he happened to be in the area, which is one of my biggest pet peeves. (Never, ever EVER show up to my house unexpectedly unless you’re Ed McMahon with a check from Publisher’s Clearing House!) Then Kiss Fan would sit or stand there and talk all about his ex and how she’s fucking him over with her new lover. After blabbing all of that unnecessary information for 10 or 15 minutes, he would leave, and I’d be like, “That’ll be $30 for listening to your bullshit and an extra $25 for stopping in without an appointment. I take Paypal.”

The last time we were hanging out, we were sitting on my couch (the only place to sit at my house) and – I am seriously not exaggerating here – he cupped my boobs in his hands and jiggled them up and down, making some weird “doo doo doo doo doo doo” noise like a 12-year-old Star Wars fan might do.

What. The. Fuck.

I was so pissed! I threw his hands off of me and told him he had to go. Shortly after, I got another job that took over my weekends.

Still, Kiss Fan continued to text me either via regular text or Facebook messenger (we’ve never been FB friends), and most of the time I’d ignore him. He’d send me photos of himself with Kiss members he’d pay a fortune to see, and I really didn’t give a damn. At some point when I got my new job I was working every single weekend, so my social life was my job. He knew this, but continued to ask me what I was doing, if I was working… and that got old fast. After ignoring him for quite some time, he texted something to me like, “Congratulations on being in love.” I was like wtf are you talking about?? He said, “you must be in love.” I suppose because I wasn’t answering him? Maybe that’s what his mother suggested? And that really annoyed the shit out of me even more, because I haven’t even had a second date in I honestly can’t remember how long. I went off on him and told him that I have told him 1000 times that I was at my fucking job and to stop texting me stupid shit.

He stopped. What a relief! Like I always do, after a certain period of time of not speaking to someone like him, I delete them out of my phone. Then the holidays came up and I got a Happy New Year text but didn’t know who it was, so I asked. He said, “This Susanna.” I said, “Your name is Susanna?” (by then I realized who it was due to the stupidity and the area code). Then a few days later he texted me again and I didn’t answer and decided to just block him.

And this is what I’ll be doing from now on – just blocking. The energy these types of people bring into my life just brings me down and puts me in a bad mood. So no more of that!

Date with a Greek Christian Wrestler

Submitted by Guest blogger, Kayte:

I met the Christian Wrestler on POF a couple of years ago. He was really good looking – dark hair, great physique – typical Greek features. He considered himself a “Christian” wrestler (whatever that means) and had some Youtube videos of himself wrestling.

The date went well. I liked him and agreed to a second date, but the very next day I was going to NY for a two-week visit.

Christian Wrestler and I only went on one date. The next thing I know, he’s texting me, claiming to be in love with me, telling me I’m the woman of his dreams that he couldn’t live without. He said he’d do anything in his power to get me… and he also wanted to move in together when I got home. I was freaked out about the suddenness of it all, and apparently he took that as an insult. Christian Wrestler started calling me a tease and all sorts of other nasty names.

I had to block Christian Wrestler, but he kept finding me. I kept blocking him, and eventually he left me alone. I’m sure he eventually ended up finding someone that bought into his bullshit. But for her sake, I hope he didn’t!

Finnegan, Dating the Biggest Liar on the Planet

Submitted by Guest Blogger, Kayte:

I met Finnegan on Plenty of Fish a couple of years ago after a 7-year bad relationship. He was completely charming, seemed to love my children, and seemed like he would do anything for me. My friends all liked him. I was head over heels for him, and naively moved him in with us after he spun a story about how his roommate decided to move his mother back into the room he was renting at their house.

Finnegan said he was 38, never married and had no children, and he was a driver for a large beer company. We made an agreement on how we’d split the bills and rent, and I felt relieved to finally have more money to save from that. Alas, that never happened!

Not only did Finnegan never pay a dime towards rent, but he even had the nerve to borrow money from me on occasion. He worked strange hours, and at one point I became suspicious as to where he was really going each day. He came home one day smelling distinctly of sex… yes, that smell is unmistakable, and my gut told me something was up for sure!

Upon further internal reflection, I realized I knew NOTHING about this man who was living with me and my children. I’d never seen any paperwork – no paystubs, no mail, etc. He’d moved in with one box of clothes for God’s sake! My suspicions finally got the best of me and I asked my ex (a cop) to check him out for me. Who was this man really???

We were about to celebrate his 39th birthday, which according to him, would be the first birthday he celebrated in years! (Due to his mother dying on that day… more lies of course!) As it turned out, Finnegan wasn’t 38 turning 39. He was actually ten years older. He had been married and divorced. He also had two children on which he owed thousands in back child support, and he had even lied about his living situation. The roommates had actually kicked him out for not paying rent. I also found out from his ex-wife that I wasn’t the first woman to contact her about him; Finnegan has a habit of charming women with children and moving in with them, then moving on to the next one.

When confronted about his age, his excuse was, “I just don’t want to be old!!” When I called him out on all his lies, he didn’t even apologize. He just said, “Okay, I’ll move out.” Then he came home, grabbed his box, and left! Loser!

His last words to me were, “No more relationships…I’ll just have friends with benefits! I’m going to block you now.” He disappeared that day! I was so pissed because I wanted to go off on him, vent my anger and frustration… but the bastard didn’t even extend me that courtesy!

I Give Up On Online Dating

Between how my New Year started out with the Cheapskate and the crazy messages I receive from men, I just deleted my Match and another paid dating account. Tonight was the last straw with the asinine comments. Some of them aren’t even from dating sites; some of these idiots find my Instagram and start to creep. I don’t make it private, because I sell my work on Instagram and need it for that. I just can’t deal with the rudeness and ignorance and immaturity of these assholes – some 50 y/o men. At this point, I don’t want to meet anyone online, period.

I was just looking back at my old Instagram messages, and one kid (I say kid, because he was under 30) had messaged me back in September. I had no idea who he was or what he wanted, but he said he’d seen me on Tinder. At that point, I hadn’t been on Tinder since last April, so I wasn’t sure if someone made a fake account or what. No, the kid just creeped on me for months. He wanted to “talk” (in my mind, he meant text for hours and send pics eventually – no thank you!). I told him he can talk only if he wants to buy my items. He said he wants to get to know the artist first. I told him to be serious, because I don’t have time to fuck around. The idiot didn’t even know where my art was (on my page as well as my website). He took a look at it and said he liked it. I said let me know what you’d like to purchase… then I didn’t hear from him until November. He starts off with his “hey how are you” bullshit, and I asked him what he needed. He said he wanted to take me to dinner. I told him we’re not a match, I know nothing about him or even what he looks like. Again, he said he found me on Tinder, sends me a picture of himself and tells me he’s 28. I told him it’s not going to happen, and if I don’t match on Tinder, don’t come creeping on my page months later pretending to be my friend. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, which is typical of these entitled annoying kids that can’t take no for an answer. So I look at who he follows, and it’s mainly scantily clad women. He finally got the point that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with me.

Another messaged me in December saying he saw me on Tinder, but this one was much older and only had 5 photos on Instagram – all of himself – posted on the same day. He immediately wanted to talk on the phone, which wasn’t going to happen. So I asked him, “Would you allow your mother, daughter, or sister to talk to a stranger without knowing a thing about them?” The idiot said yes he would, because everyone is a stranger. Again, I said I know nothing about him whatsoever, so he gave me a synopsis of his life story. I told him he lives too far away (always a great excuse!), and then he started asking me more personal questions about what I do for a living, etc. I have completely ignored him. I think it’s creepy and crossing a boundary when the woman is clearly not interested. And if they have to talk me into liking them, it makes me like them even less. It makes me feel like I’m at a used car lot.

Someone that I had actually spoken to online two years ago and suddenly blew me off (we were supposed to meet then but never did) decided to message me on Instagram the week before Christmas. He said something about doing lunch, and I reminded him that he was supposed to do that two years ago. He said it would be amazing to do dinner, too, and I told him that I was trying to decide how many men have already missed their chance. I left it at that. The following day, I received a text message from a number I didn’t recognize saying “I really adore you”. I asked who it was… no reply. I said “seriously, who is this? If you’re going to send me this shit at least tell me who you are.” No reply. I called the person a coward and never heard back. The number wasn’t listed anywhere I looked, but I had a friend that has ways to do things, and it turned out this was same guy that blew me off two years ago. What. The. Fuck. I can’t believe he still had my number and didn’t have the balls to tell me who he was. Dumbass!

Tonight I received a message from another Instagram creeper. I had no idea who he was, but apparently he found me “on a dating site” and had already messaged me before and I let him down. Still, he wanted to get together. I think I’m pretty nice about how I let this guy down, but he got all butt hurt and immediately blocked me. Good thing I didn’t go out with him, because he sounds like a real piece of work that can’t handle rejection. Oh – and we have NO mutual friends; the guy is a total creeper and has very little of anyone liking his lame photos.

Immediately after that idiot blocked me, I received this message. How this jackass found me, I have no idea, but I reported him, and I hope Instagram removes his profile.

I’m not joking when I say this all happened in the same evening – like literally back to back. I was checking my messages on Match and another site. I specifically say I do NOT want a married man or one in any sort of relationship. This one in particular was “married but looking” and sent me a message. It’s so fucking tiring to open messages like these and find out they’re married, so I started replying to all of them with “illiteracy runs rampant”. He was too stupid to get it, and his last reply was completely juvenile – and then he blocked me. I reported him to the site and then removed my profile.

I don’t have time for this shit. I’d rather sit home on a Friday night watching “Killer Women” on Netflix with my cat . I’m beginning to feel like online dating is slightly more dangerous than I’d imagined. I don’t care if I’m single for the rest of my life, because it sure beats spending one single second of my time with any of these losers!

A Date with a Cheapskate Unchivalrous Military Man

I’m really about over meeting anyone from dating sites anymore. I know I keep saying this, but I did pay for three months of Match and one month of another dull site and wish I’d just bought myself a nice dress and taken myself out to a really nice dinner instead.

This time I ended up meeting with a military guy that lived about an hour away. Now I have said to my friends that I am done meeting military men, because I’ve been married to them and have dated them throughout my life. Most are great guys, but their mindset is not compatible with mine. But I’m a sucker for trying anyway.

We agreed to meet at a halfway point, so I suggested a sports bar that I’m somewhat familiar with. I’d already eaten, so I wasn’t hungry when I arrived. He’d arrived early and had ordered food. Mr. Cheapskate didn’t even ask if I wanted anything, but the bartender gave me a menu and I ordered a beer. Physically, Mr. Cheapskate was decent looking, even though he was a little on the short side, and in good shape for a 50-year-old. The conversation went pretty smoothly – we had a lot of things in common, and we actually talked for about 3 hours. I thought that even if it doesn’t work out romantically, if anything, we could be friends.

In the meantime, I ordered a chocolate martini, because I wanted something sweet. Mr. Cheapskate asked for the tab, and I asked if my two drinks were on there as well. Yes, they were, so I said, “What do I owe?” – because that is one way to test where this is going (another date or a friend zone). Mr. Cheapskate said to just pay the tip ($10) and thanked me. I figured $10 was probably about the cost of both of my drinks, but whatever. When we were leaving, Mr. Cheapskate did not open the door for me, and he mentioned he was parked directly out front. I’d parked down the street in a lot. I could tell that Mr. Cheapskate almost let me walk alone but finally asked me if I wanted him to walk me to my car. “Of course,” I said, “it’s dark out and I’m not that familiar with this area”. So we walked to the lot, he hugged me and unexpectedly gave me a kiss. It was okay but a little awkward.

Mr. Cheapskate wanted to see me the following evening, but I hadn’t slept well and was too tired. Plus, I would have to drive an hour to his area, and I wasn’t about to do that after not sleeping, so we planned for the following evening. Unfortunately, the same thing happened, because I had terrible insomnia and back pain for three days. So we planned for New Year’s Eve. I had no interest in going anywhere, because I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with crowds, drinking, or driving. Plus, I wasn’t sure if I’d be paying my own bill and really couldn’t afford to anyway. I said I was just perfectly fine with lighting a fire, grilling burgers and hanging out for more good conversation. He suggested going to a sports bar… and I said I’m not hanging out at a sports bar on NYE (with shitty food that I might end up paying for).

On that day, Mr. Cheapskate was texting and calling me. I had literally just woken up and was cooking breakfast and doing dishes and couldn’t answer the phone. I was also catching up on the things I didn’t accomplish due to my back pain the previous days. He didn’t leave a message and tried calling about five minutes later. And about 10 minutes later, a “No Caller ID” showed up. I wasn’t sure if it was him being sneaky or a telemarketer, but I was annoyed and ignored the call.

When he was on his way over, I had another “No Caller ID” ring, and when I answered, it was Mr. Cheapskate. Now I was thinking oh great, he’s one of those types that does that sneaky shit, and we only had one date! At that point I was starting to regret asking him over. Prior to his arrival, he’d asked if I needed anything. I said I didn’t (I’m always prepared). When he arrived, Mr. Cheapskate arrived empty handed. Sure, I didn’t need anything, but the decent gesture is to at least bring your own booze or something, right? So I was a little more than slightly annoyed. Then he said, “Wow, look at all this food you made… I didn’t realize you were doing that. I should have brought something over.” Well, yes you should have, I thought, and I already told you that I just wanted a simple night of grilling burgers and a fire. Guess you weren’t listening?

The first time Mr. Cheapskate used my bathroom, he left my toilet seat up. I had probably already decided deep down inside, but I definitely decided right then this will be nothing more than a friendship. I’m not going to train a 50 y/o man to put a toilet seat down.

The rest of the evening went okay with conversation, but I started to get bored quickly. I put Mr. Cheapskate in charge of the burgers and the fire, since it was the least he could do, and I figured most men like doing that anyway. He overcooked the burgers (cooked them to the way he likes them, not the way I said I liked mine), and I ended up having to take over the fire and doing the entire cleanup. He’s not a big drinker, but Mr. Cheapskate did manage to drink half of my beer – and because he’s not a drinker, they really hit him hard. (I drink strong beer with high AVB.) So as the night went on, he got louder and talked over me – there went the conversation. He wasn’t obnoxious, just annoying. And the more he talked, the more I realized his accent, his voice, his build… and more reminded me of Dodger. It was almost a deja vu. (At least Dodger bought his own beer.)

Eventually, Mr. Cheapskate fell asleep on my couch, thank god, so I left him there and went to bed. As soon as I got comfortable and started to fall asleep, he walked into my room and invited himself to sleep in my bed. I told him no, you’re snoring, and I won’t be able to sleep. What did he do? He still got in my bed! I was pissed! Not only did he disturb my rest, now he thinks it’s okay to just take over? I don’t think so! So there I was in bed stewing at how rude he was and now wide awake. Within minutes, he started snoring. I shook him and said you have to go back in the living room, you’re snoring and I can’t sleep. He went back out and left me alone. By then it was probably 3am, so I was super pissed that he was not only ruining my sleep, I wanted to get up in the morning and take a nice beach walk to start my New Year out.

For the rest of the night, I heard Mr. Cheapskate in and out of my bathroom, so doors were shutting all night. I got up around 6am to pee and peeked into the living room. He was sleeping on my floor – which is tile but has a throw rug. I was thinking wtf is he doing on the floor? I didn’t care and went back to bed. When I woke back up around 9am, I felt like crap for not sleeping all night. He was still on the floor, and I woke him up, because I needed him to leave so I could start my day.

I guess Mr. Cheapskate couldn’t handle my beer very well. He thought he had food poisoning. I said well it’s not my food, I ate the same thing, and I’m fine. He said he was up all night spinning, puking and had diarrhea. Nice. He really was in bad shape, and I couldn’t get rid of him until about noon. My entire morning was shot, and pretty much my day, because I was too damn tired to do anything once he left. On top of that, I realized he definitely puked and shit all night… it was all over my toilet, even puke running down the side (I had cleaned my bathroom the day prior) and he had pee spots on my tile floor. How fucking gross!

I really expected more from a military man, because I have found them generally to be more chivalrous and courteous and cleaner. But this one really floundered. He messaged me the following day that he was feeling better but still not that great. And then he messaged me that night saying “goodnight” but I didn’t answer. The following day I got another “No Caller ID” call and didn’t answer it, and I don’t plan on seeing him again – friends or not. And now I have learned how to block these “No Caller ID” calls!