sobriety

A Dinner Out Turned Crazy

~ Free The Burden ~ 1 Comment
I ain’t got time fo dat!

When I say people’s energy affects me in debilitating ways, I’m not joking. By staying away from most everyone right now, it’s helping to heal some things that I wasn’t even aware existed. I suppose that the drinking I’d done in the past was a bandaid that dulled my senses to feel everything around me. Going out in public once a week is usually enough for me to remember why I don’t like being around people. The traffic is horrendous this time of year, there are too many out-of-towners for a small town, and now there are just too many damn people in Florida overall.

I’m open to pretty much doing anything except bars, so I manage to make myself go out to eat or to an event or to something other than the grocery store once a week just to be out in the world. Usually one night in a noisy restaurant has me good for a week of being around people. I feel like I have to shake the energy off of me, and in some circumstances, it’s much harder.

Over the past month, I visited one of my favorite restaurants I’ve been going to for about 13 years. It’s a small place with great food and a good atmosphere. Again, I visited the other day, ordered food, had some conversation with the owner, left some business cards. Just a regular night out for me. Then something both completely unexpected and fucked up happened.

As I was getting ready to leave the place and chatted with the owner, his baby mama was blowing up his phone the entire time he was working; he said she does this every night and is always accusing him of cheating. I’m like wow, that sucks… I should go before she pulls up here. He says oh she wouldn’t do that, but somehow I knew better. Before I could walk out, she pulled up to the door of the restaurant in a car, came in and started screaming at him that he should have been home hours ago, that he’s probably drunk again. Then she pointed at me, asking if he was fucking me, too. Yikes!!!

I was like “Whoa, what the fuck! I’m not fucking anybody! I’m just a customer!”

It was such a bizarre, uncomfortable situation of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t know what I was dealing with and wasn’t about to take any chances. I waited for psycho baby mama to leave so she didn’t follow me or know my vehicle. The owner apologized profusely, said she probably wouldn’t follow me but to let him know I made it home okay. I sent him a text when I made it home, no one followed me.

About an hour later, my phone rang from the owner’s number. It was pretty late by then, and I wasn’t sure if perhaps the cops were involved at that point and needed a witness. But it wasn’t him. It was psycho baby mama telling me to stop contacting her fiancé before she cussed me out and hung up on me. Then she proceeded to text me from his phone about their relationship, which I could give two shits about. It was late, and I was over the drama that I neither caused nor deserved. Seriously, what the fuck! I told her to get help, because she needed to focus on her child instead of raging at someone that’s an innocent customer, to not involve me in their Jerry Springer drama, and do not contact me again! It’s been silent since.

However, today I noticed someone viewing my Instagram stories that looked familiar. I confirmed through a mutual friend that it was psycho baby mama. It felt a bit creepy, because what is she looking for? I have nothing to do with whatever is going on between them. Then I realized that the owner’s account now has me blocked, which he’s probably not even aware. I took a screenshot, blocked her and relayed the message through a mutual friend about it, letting him know that I will not be coming back to the restaurant. It’s just too weird now.

It was such bad energy and felt like it screwed up the good vibe I had going that evening. I didn’t sleep well that night, either, and I haven’t felt the same since. This is why when something happens, it takes me a while to recover my own good energy, because I feel everything so deeply. This is why I can only be around people for a short amount of time.

Once again, here I was minding my own damn business when – bam! The night ends with some bullshit. Now one of my favorite places to eat is a place I no longer feel comfortable going to. Considering that I never really go out, that leaves me with very little options of places to go that I like. It also makes me wonder if it’s a sign to get the hell out of this town and start looking for something that serves me better.

Dual Emotions, Isolation, and High Sensitivity

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Although I’ve been feeling better overall, my mind has been a mix of dual emotions. Now that I’m not waking up from drinking the night before, I know it’s not alcohol affecting my feelings or moods anymore. Some days I am optimistic and content; other days, I am a mix of anger, grief, anxiety, and whatever else throws a wrench. I believe a lot of how I feel has to do with how much sleep I’ve had, how much pain I’m in, whether or not I’m hungry… or whether or not I’ve completely eliminated narcissistic assholes out of my life that have sucked me dry of joy.

On one hand, I want to be alone and feel like I’m better off alone, but on the other there are times I really feel the need for companionship. I mean, talking to my cat is fine and all, but it’s typically a one-way conversation and not exactly the adult mental stimulation I prefer. Being alone too much is unhealthy, but at the same time, I’m not going to put myself out there subjecting myself to people that aren’t out for my best interest. I feel that once I’ve fixed myself from all of this mess that I will feel safe enough to get back into the world and have better tools to handle things.

There are times when I feel like I want to be held, but at the same time, I don’t want anyone touching me. Again, until I am healed from heartbreak and boundaries being crossed, I can’t even allow myself to be put in that position. Four winters have passed without being held or touched in a good way, and it’s a reminder of all of the coldness and despair from people I’ve allowed into my life. Touch starvation is probably a factor in this, as well, especially intimate touch, even so much as a hug. At the same time, I cringe at anyone touching me unless I really want them to, and there are very few people I will allow to do that. So where does that leave me? Cuddling with my cat, because I trust him.

This is not my first time feeling this way in life.

Several years ago during my time in college, I pretty much isolated myself by moving out into the middle of nowhere in the woods. Prior to that, I was living closer to campus, but I still felt lonely by myself with a small child and no real friends. I had found it very difficult to make friends as a young, single mother, because being a single mother at that time isn’t the normal that it is now. Fast forward about seven years later, and I moved to another area in which I was kind of isolated from people. I loved where I lived, but the lack of socialization really sucked. And then I moved again across the country, further isolating myself from anything I knew, but still hopeful to make new friendships. I wasn’t necessarily trying to isolate myself from people (maybe a little bit) but mainly from noise and traffic and things that developing areas and cities offer – all things that cause anxiety for me. Probably out of reasons of loneliness, I befriended people that weren’t exactly spiritually uplifting or truthful.

During these times, it seemed the only way to socialize was to go to bars, because that’s what people my age did in the areas where I’d lived. Of course, that always involves drinking, which isn’t a good thing when you’re trying to make real friends and people that are true. But I didn’t know that at the time, because it was just the normal thing to do, and most people always seemed friendly. Had I known the reality of this, I’m sure my life would be much different today and alcohol wouldn’t have had such an effect.

Recently, I stumbled upon a documentary called Sensitive: The Untold Story. Although I’d heard titles about highly sensitive people, I’d never actually looked into what this personality trait was about. I was reading about all of the things I’d ever had issues with – things that had always made me feel that something was wrong with me, when in fact about 15-20% of the population is also this way!

Upon researching more about highly sensitive traits, I found some tests and pretty much checked every box. Sensitivity to noises, getting “hangry” easily, thinking or feeling deeply, having an imaginative inner world, and being extremely perceptive are just five of several traits I constantly experience as a highly sensitive person. All of this time, I have been trying to figure out how and why I have been this way and how to make it go away, because other people can’t handle it.

The results of these tests took me by surprise, because this is something that – if I had known about sooner – I could have used as part of my self-therapy long ago. Knowing that something isn’t wrong with me would have certainly helped with self-esteem issues and resulted in making much better decisions about my life and could have sought help in the right direction. Even after months of therapy on and off, this had never been brought to attention. Now that this has been discovered, I can use it as another healing tool towards this new journey.