I need to do another brain dump, because there are too many things in my head all at once. Even though I haven’t written that much the past couple of months, I really have a lot on my mind that I need to get out. This might be a bit rambling.
I’ve been fighting dualities for years, and I tend to see both sides to things, but I also have to look out for myself first and foremost. Listening to my intuition is a hard lesson learned when I don’t follow it. I do believe that at some point, it could mean life or death, pain and misery.
There are things I probably need to write just to get off my chest, even if I don’t post it, and I’ve been reconsidering what I should and shouldn’t put out there in public. I’m at a crossroads of asking Is it too much information? Do people really need to know this? But I also consider if I’m actually helping anyone else by putting it out there, because due to lack of responses and interaction on my posts, I really don’t know. A few times I have considered writing another book, but more of a tell-all – elaborating on stories here, as well as filling in other gory details not yet mentioned. And if I’m going to write a book in the future, I need to keep the blog to keep readers interested. Double-edged sword.
Something else I went back and forth about recently, because everything about it seemed like it was exactly what I have been asking from the Universe: I was offered a job that sounded like it might be great, and everything about it was right up my alley. It was a 2-week travel project, and the pay would have covered most of my monthly expenses. The only catch was, I’d be traveling alone with a male I’d never met AND being his assistant 24/7 the duration of the trip. I don’t even think I could manage that with someone I loved without having a break, never mind a male stranger I knew nothing about. Privacy and safety was my biggest concern, and even though everything seemed to check out about this person, something in my gut had me reconsidering.
It’s this gut that I have had to learn to listen to, no matter how good things seem to check out or how badly I need the money. Due to not completely listening to my gut about 15 years ago, I ended up in a really bad situation I have yet to talk about here. I did start to write about it, but there are so many details and years to the situation, it would be more like a chapter of a book.
Nevertheless, this situation from 15 years ago flashed into my head while I was hemming and hawing about this job offer. This was my intuition telling me that something was awry about it. This is a sign that I have learned to listen to very closely: When something or someone awful from the past shows up in my mind, it’s warning me of a situation I’m about to get myself into. Run!
Thinking about whether or not I was going to take the job caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety. When I came to the conclusion that I was going to turn it down, I felt a huge relief, and the anxiety went away. After writing this, I realized that I have felt this way about jobs in the past, and if considering the job causes that much uneasiness, it’s probably not a good fit. When I did take jobs that caused me to feel apprehensive, they ended up not lasting or being anything that was presented to me. Whether something looks good on paper is often not what it really is.