Having suffered from depression since I was a child, I absolutely know how to recognize the signs. Sometimes I notice I get more depressed when I’m not eating properly or working out the way I should. But I also get depressed from circumstances out of my control. When it comes to my own life and things I have no control over, I get really down on myself and hopeless. So yeah – I can sit back and let things flow – but in reality, that doesn’t always work.
After trying so many things and either failing or giving up out of boredom or just knowing something isn’t right for me, I’m not even sure which direction to go. I know what I want; I just don’t know how to get there. Just getting to where I am now – which to me, doesn’t seem like I’ve gone far at all the past five years – feels like I’m constantly trudging through mud. Every single thing that I have worked on hasn’t worked out (except where I live so far). I have stopped planning and stopped setting goals altogether, because in the big picture, it all seems unattainable and unicorn dreaming. Been there, done that.
I get so frustrated sometimes when all I do is work towards something only to have it work in the opposite direction or have it taken away. Several years ago, I was meditating and attempting to manifest all of these wonderful things I wanted in my life. The problem was, I was still married at the time, and when you have someone else in the picture not on the same page, all of that manifesting work can be lost. The years I’d spent trying to gain a better life were wasted on someone else undoing them. Talk about feeling totally fucked by the Universe. I feel as if I am unable to lift myself back up and trust again.
And I am completely aware that I’m going through life changes – emotionally and physically. At this point, I have zero motivation to do anything except be a hermit. I have distanced myself from people that don’t interest me; I have also distanced myself from most people altogether as of late. I stay at home a lot, probably because we’ve had nothing but rain every single day, and I’m an outdoors person. I can see changes in my body that I’m not liking at all, which in our society, is hell on a woman. Right now, I can honestly say that I’ve been depressed for the past several years – even while I was still married. Not 100% of the time, but most of it – more than half for certain. I’m unhappy with my job, my finances, and my nonexistent love life. I worked really hard at all of these things my entire life, only to just fall back to zero. Last year I attempted to get counseling through the VA, but they’re pretty screwed up and canceled all of my appointments and didn’t even have a record of me attending the first and only appointment, so I gave up. Off and on for several months, I’ve been in a lot of pain. That certainly doesn’t help with depression either.
For the past several weeks, I haven’t wanted to be around people or do anything social, which is a bit unlike my normal self. I’m alone much of the time, which is fine but not all of the time. It always helps when I’m around friends or at least one person I can talk to, even if it’s just on the phone. I have reached out to people, and I feel ignored. I’m the type of person that always has an open ear to a friend, but I can’t say I’m getting the same in return. I only want to spend time with people that bring light into my life and are true and understanding, which for whatever reason, seems so difficult to find. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere in any group situation, but I also feel like I don’t shine. My regular job isn’t stimulating and pays next to nothing, so that doesn’t help my circumstances. I’ve been working on changing that as well. I have more than one job – none of which make me want to sing and dance. I’m just tired of it all.
When I’m happy, I sing and I dance. And that’s been a long time. All I want is to feel good again, to feel happy, to feel wanted and loved… to sing and dance again.