Camping with a Big Liar

The most miserable camping trip with Big Liar is one that I’ll never forget. I’d already lost trust in him, so why did I agree to this? The only thing I can think of is I wanted to do something so badly, and since I had no one else to do it with, Big Liar was the only candidate. He claimed to be an experienced camper and fisherman, talked up all the fun we’d have. What a joke! Little did I know it would be the worst camping trip in my life!

Big Liar’s idea of camping was nothing I imagined. Thankfully, I know enough about survival to take necessities he didn’t. I had plenty of water, food, eating utensils, baby wipes, and blankets for the few days we were camping. Without his driver’s license, I drove Big Liar’s truck, picking up firewood, ice, and alcohol along the way. When we arrived at the campsite, I discovered he packed two tents (one didn’t stand up, so that was his), a couple of leaking blowup mattresses, hunting rifles, a knife, and a dead flashlight. That was it. No lanterns, no fishing gear, no lighting, no water – nothing like the experienced camper he claimed to be!

The lake was a place with some good memories I had as a kid; I hadn’t been there since I was about ten years old. In my naïve mind, I was excited, thinking about all the fun we were going to have camping at the lake. But a lot had changed since I was a kid, and the lake was closed to swimming because of alligators. (The lake always had alligators, but now they must be hungry.) I envied the few boaters and fishermen scattering the lake. What is the point of camping at a lake if you can’t use it???  

Instead, Big Liar wanted to “relax” by drinking around a campfire in 85-degree weather all day, burning up the firewood we had for the night. I was highly irritated and anxious, because this wasn’t what I signed up for. I put a lot of preparation into this, which frustrated me even more. Entertaining myself around the campsite consisted of cooking and cleaning, taking a walk, looking at the lake, and reading a book. I did all of that in two hours, because the place was small. Not only that, but I could have done this on my own without having to deal with a drunk.

Over time, Big Liar got slower and drunker – and impossible to deal with. Worst of all, I couldn’t leave, because he had the keys. I was so angry!

“This isn’t camping! This is what homeless people do!” I yelled at him. And then I laughed hysterically, because I knew I was fucked. 

I had four beers the entire trip; he had his own beer, Jack Daniels, and Fireball. Although Big Liar had never shown signs of violence prior, I didn’t trust the booze. By dinner, Big Liar was so drunk, he became angry and threatening when I told him to stop drinking my beer. He scared me for a minute, because I had never seen him act that way — like a demon showing himself. Very creepy. 

Now I am alone with this ass who is completely wasted out of his gourd with weapons in the truck and no one else at the campground. Fuck. 

Knowing I was stronger than him physically, and I had better balance — if I really had to, I’d kick the shit out of him and throw his ass in the fire. Fifteen seconds after Big Liar threatened me, he remembered nothing about it. His brain was quickly shutting down. I knew I needed to leave, if not for my safety, then for my sanity. He passed out around 7 p.m. and snored like a wild hog. 

Because trees surrounded us, it hid the moonlight. The sky was pitch black, and then the fire went out, because we ran out of firewood. Not only did this asshole burn all of our firewood during the day, the only flashlight he brought was dead! I needed to charge my iPhone in the truck, because I was using it as a flashlight to get around.

It wasn’t even 8 p.m., and there was no way in hell I was going to sleep that early, especially with the wild hog snoring in the other tent. I wouldn’t normally have looked at anyone’s phone, but I felt something was up, and I didn’t feel safe. He already proved himself to be a big liar. Besides, he left me by myself with nothing else to do in the dark. What was a girl to do all alone? 

Big Liar’s phone was revealing. He was sexting several women, getting blowjobs from his 66-year-old divorce attorney’s secretary (in return for reduced fees!), begging other women for nude photos, and trying to take other women out to dinner (even though he couldn’t drive). I was the sucker driving his ass all over town to his court appointments, helping him out when he was sick, cooking for him, and anything else he asked to “help him out.” When I saw “babysitter porn” (the legal kind) in his browser, I about lost it, because of the age of his kids. It was sickening. 

My body shook as I read through it while Big Liar snored loudly throughout the night. I wanted to throw up. Packing my own things, I took his keys, and drove away, leaving him there. A sense of relief came over me until I got to the gate. It had a coded lock to which I did not know the combination. This really is like a horror movie. All I want to do was go home. What the fuck do I do now??? 

I sat at the gate for a while, contemplating what to do. As much as it sucked, I had no choice but to go back to the campsite. Big Liar never heard a thing, didn’t know I left for a minute. While my phone charged in the truck, the truck battery died! Now I truly felt like I was in my own horror movie. Now there was no light at all – just like a horror movie!

Everything in my life became crystal to me. That very moment was like a reawakening, an epiphany. I saw clearly what a horrific alcoholic Big Liar was, a much bigger problem than issues with divorce. 

Sleepless the entire night, I got up shortly after daybreak and lied to Big Liar, “Let’s go, I have to go into work today.” 

I threw everything into the bed of the truck within minutes, because I wanted the hell out of there. Big Liar refused to pack, refused to leave, and started drinking at 7 a.m. A maintenance person jumped the battery, then Big Liar hid the truck key. He was completely impossible and a total asshole, worse than I’d ever experienced. The longer he kept me there, the more I was ready to physically fight him. I was a trapped animal, pacing back and forth, trying to plan my escape, because I didn’t know what the hell to do. When I found the keys, Big Liar physically fought me for them and won. I couldn’t believe this was the same camping trip I was so excited about two days prior. 

When I found out the park had outlets to charge my phone, I knew it was my chance out. Slightly embarrassed, I called my bosses to get me, told them everything, and had a bit of a laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. 

The following day, Big Liar “yelled” at me by text that I left him at the campsite, because no one was there to drive him. Boo-hoo. He claimed he drove himself home all alone without a license and “could’ve been pulled over.” Again, boo-hoo! I wished he was pulled over, because he was drunk as hell and on his third DUI, driving illegally, and he deserved it. He was so out of control, I knew he was going to hurt some innocent person if something wasn’t done. I contacted his mother and told her everything. She enabled him and made excuses. That was telling. After that, I ignored him. 

Two months later, Big Liar dropped by my house “to say hi” one night when he was wasted. Earlier in the evening, I had been out drinking, so my judgement was off. I heard he was attempting to work things out with his ex-wife (by then they were divorced). When I asked about it, he said it wasn’t working out. I was stupid and weak; we made out, and then I sent him home. 

A week later, I got a message through Facebook from his ex-wife that she wanted to talk, because “we may be dealing with the same habitual liar.” 

We still talk.