(Note: It’s taken me a week to write this, so it doesn’t reflect today’s much lighter mood. Today was the first time since last summer I was able to run errands in multiple places without feeling sick or like I was going to pass out. Yesterday, I did a bunch of work around the house a lot easier than two months ago. But I’m not going to hold my breath, because I already know how this works.)
Right now, I am forcing myself to write. Write anything, because I feel like I’m going to implode.
My new doctor never put me back on B12 shots after the psycho-bitch doctor took me off, and I’m not sure why. With my B12 levels at the lowest range in October, a daily medication I now take will deplete it even more. I think this deficiency has affected me in a lot of ways, both physically and mentally. The more I’m reading about how much B12 may help with several of my symptoms, the more pissed off I get knowing that I’ve been denied what my body needs. I’m hoping the neurologist agrees with me that B12 is way more beneficial than harmful and puts me back on it.
Anger has been spewing lately, to which I’m sure a vitamin deficiency can contribute, not to mention whatever nerve situation I have going on here. Some days I wake up angry for no reason, but my body doesn’t feel well, either. Other days, when my body tends to feel good, so does my mind. To think, I’ve been dealing with this shit for 30 years, and I still don’t have an answer; that is enough to make me angry… because people weren’t listening to me or taking my health complaints seriously. And now I think I’m permanently disabled because of it.
There I was blaming my anger on being sober, but sobriety isn’t the problem at all. I don’t even think about drinking, and even the smell of it turns my stomach. Anything that will burn my insides is easy for me to say no to. The few times I thought a beer sounded good, I quickly remembered getting a stomachache the last time I had a beer last year on memorial day weekend, and that deters any desire for alcohol.
Nope, sobriety isn’t my problem at all. I am sick with something that’s screwing up every area of my life, and now that I’m sober, nothing is numbing it. Being sober also means dealing with people without being numb, and that part sucks, too.
I’ve barely worked the past year, just doing projects here and there to keep a roof over my head. Between my physical restrictions, my brain hasn’t been up to par, either. (Digesting information, remembering, and making sense of things gets blurry at times.) If these gigs go away, I will be totally screwed, because I have no strength or stamina to pursue anything else. I am too tired to fight anymore.
My desire, my spark, my everything – is gone. I have completely burned out, and I’m not sure it will ever come back this time. And to be honest, I don’t care. I feel like my time is done here, and I’m tired of this place. My soul is fucking tired.
Even though I probably qualify for public assistance, the hassle of it all makes me more stressed just thinking about it, because I know it’s another avenue to being rejected and treated like shit. If someone can do it for me, fine, but I just can’t subject myself to the chaos of any of it anymore. I am cooked.
Now I am becoming too tired to help myself anymore. Not to mention the amount of bullshit thrown at me, all to deal with on my own with zero emotional or physical support. I am winging it from the time I wake up until I go to sleep every single day. I’ve been getting maybe two days a week in which I feel okay enough to leave the house for reasons other than errands, then I’m completely exhausted afterwards. My neighbors help if I need something at the store or help lifting. But there are things I need they cannot do or give me. The last thing I want is to be forced into a situation due to being financially fucked and physically disabled.
I feel like this is just the beginning of all of my nightmares coming true.
On another note, I do have a few answers. I have a small hiatal hernia that doesn’t require surgery. For whatever reason, this wasn’t picked up on any of my CT scans, maybe because it’s that small. The doctor said that may cause acid reflux, but not all of the other issues I’m experiencing. It should not be causing pain or squeezing in my ribs or back or rib deformation. Because of the hernia, I’m unable to do any heavy lifting, which means having to depend on someone else… not my cup of tea. Again, just the beginning of the nightmare trickling in…
Some of the other digestive organ issues found were common and/or normal, mainly treating them through diet. However, I do have something called Barrett’s esophagus, which is totally new to me. The doctor said it’s caused from acid reflux, but I never noticed anything significant until last year when I became very sick for about four months with what turned out to be E. coli. This is a bit of a concern, because it could easily turn into cancer, especially knowing one of my grandfathers had throat cancer. My biopsies came out normal, but I do have to go through this procedure again in three years.
I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to ever kayak again regardless of lifting, because my body still seems to be steadily twisting. Still waiting on my neurology appointment, I’m becoming more and more skeptical that anything is going to improve much. I haven’t felt well overall most days, but I’m able to move a little better, thanks to acupuncture. Just the other day, I was finally able to bend sideways slightly and stretch my ribs for the first time in over a year. This seemed to trigger sensations throughout my body that have become extremely active – mainly tingling and chills, and a feeling that I can only describe as being like peppermint. Yesterday, I was about to stretch further, releasing more tightness in the ribs, which allowed me to breathe better! I wasn’t even aware of that. I believe acupuncture is also helping to release emotions, because I’ve been finding myself crying out of nowhere, especially after a session. While I don’t thoroughly understand how acupuncture works, I just know it has worked for me.
It’s also extremely difficult to deal with regular daily bullshit when I’m not feeling well. Things like calling the cable company about my internet service and being given the runaround, only for the call to disconnect after being on hold for an hour. And things like my phone suddenly not working, so some “smart tech guy” told me to reset it, and then it completely stopped working. For that past week, I’ve had no phone. I can’t make calls or log into my bank account, and I can’t even get my military discount at Home Depot without a cell phone. How fucked up is it that we are forced to have an expensive device in order to do normal activities? It truly pisses me off, and I just don’t have the energy or wherewithal to deal with any of it anymore. I am throwing in the towel. I am done – and so is the phone.
I mean really, I don’t even care about having a phone anymore, because the day it broke was a shitty day. Besides trying to get through the day, about seven scam calls harassed me, two of which I thought were medical. When I don’t feel well, and I’m being harassed, this literally affects my nerves, which makes everything worse. Scammers literally get on my fucking nerves!! (Now I have a rape whistle I blow in their ears, which also happens to hurt mine.) I don’t want to be constantly contacted everywhere I go, but I want access to my bank account and apps I use often.
Looking back at things I’ve written (not necessarily here), a lot of stuff doesn’t make sense or sounds generic, like something I wrote in high school. It was probably during one of those times I keep describing as my “brain on fire” (not like the book/movie, but my own description). I can literally feel something in my head, like it’s being lit up, but not in a good way. It usually accompanies other symptoms throughout my body, but I can’t read or write or think straight.
All of this is making me more depressed and hopeless, because I know I cannot do it alone anymore, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like my life has become a complete nightmare, and every worst fear I’ve ever had is coming true. The last thing I want is to be is in a desperate situation, but I already feel I am there.
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